A daycare update

Imri's first couple of days at the new daycare went well all things considered. He was the first infant there in the morning - they can take 9 and there are 7 FT spots, 2 PT, he is one of the PT kiddos.

I stayed for about an hour +, fed him, "showed him around", made his crib (I wanted to), stocked "his" drawer, talked to the providers about my concerns, changed him, etc. I had typed up a whole page of "what Imri likes" stuff (yeah, I'm that kind of mom) but had forgotten it at home (!!) so I sort of went over everything.

I left him lying on his playmat, happy. I kissed him goodbye and tried not to show him my tears - ran out of there like a bat out of hell before he could see me sobbing. I called 2-3 hours later (it took ALL my reserves not to call sooner)and heard him crying pretty hard - he was hungry and they hadn't gotten to him soon enough. K, one of the senior staff and the early morning person said that other then that he had been doing very well, so I hung up slightly heavy-hearted that he sounded unhappy.

I got a call just before my lunch break from daycare ... my heart lurched when I saw the name on caller ID. I've had too many saying "come get him" and I thought the worst. But M, his primary daycare lady was just calling to say "I know you've been worried but I wanted you to know he's doing great! He even slept in his crib!" (he doesn't at home!)

I was so happy and so delighted she went out of her way to call me. That really impressed me and put my heart at ease.

Now given, he didn't have a really long nap in the afternoon the way he does with me and he didn't eat as much as usual, but that's pretty normal for first day, I think.
All in all - it was a really good first day! I am so relieved, as is John who picked him up.

And Imri slept in his crib the next morning for his mommy too - and again in the evening. I was delighted.

The second day went much as the first. This time I remembered to bring his "instruction sheet". I hope they don't think I'm out of line for typing it up, but I wanted them to get a sense of who he is, his likes and dislikes, etc. I included the following paragraph:

Please don'’t allow Imri to cry for long periods of time. It goes against my parenting philosophy and what I feel is best for my son. He is a very happy boy and usually only cries if he is hungry or being ignored. He loves to play, is very alert and curious and is happiest when someone is playing and laughing with him.

Is that obnoxious? I don't think so. Anyway ...

Imri is currently the youngest there, which is nice because he gets a bit more one-on-one. There are two senior staff and one aide for a total of 9 babies, although I don't think that they usually have all nine at once. M, the younger of the two senior staff has been very good with Imri, while K, the older one dotes on him but she's - and I don't mean this to be unkind - she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. For example, when I left him the other day I mentioned to her that he was doing his "I'm hungry" thing (he sticks his tongue out) and even though I had just fed him, he would probably need more. Well, she didn't feed him until he was all worked up so he had a crying fit - and this happened on both days. An ounce of prevention, etc etc. Nice lady but not quick on the uptake.

I guess I'll reiterate on Monday. Imri had one of his blowout poops Friday - he only poops every 2-3 days. I'm sure they appreciated that. That'll show em for not feeding him fast enough :)

He's eating pretty well for them but not sleeping the way he does for me - it's noisy and he can't snuggle up with mom. He only had a couple of very short naps yesterday and was exhausted when I got home around 6pm. John had just fed him but was doing little to get him sleepy - he had him in his lap, facing the TV. I don't know how many times I have to say "TV is not the right thing for him". But I digress.

So that's the story so far. I've kept my phone calls to two each day and John has been picking Imri up as he can get to him earlier than I can - we also found out it's very near to where he parks the car for his carpool - so it works out well that way. It also keeps me off the bad parts of I-270 (ok ok, the worsest bad parts)in the morning.

John mentioned something like "If it works out, you'll be able to go back full-time soon". Right. Not gonna happen, so sorry. Maybe if he stopped purchasing golf stuff, we'd have more cash. I'm just sayin' ...

Hell if I know

what happened. I don't know why all of the sudden the blog went to "moderated comments". Likely it's something I did, but heck if I know how or when. It's back to normal now. I was wondering why no one had anything to say about the last entry. I'm so glad to find out that you like me! You really like me!

So this is the deal: I'm exhausted. What else is new?

Work is suddenly being nice to me. You see, another full time nurse quit last Friday, leaving them high and dry. Suddenly they realize - they need me. Badly. There is a nursing shortage and their ads have brought in zilch. So my boss is working with me and indeed gave me last Friday off for the daycare search. She's also agreed to give me half of this Monday off.

I have a long memory for crap like that. I am a very hard-working (always)and loyal employee (when treated right) so I figure turnabout is fair play. Just wait till I have my green card.

As for daycare: I have called and emailed and visited and networked more daycares in the last week than a person should. I found one in particular where I loved the woman who runs it (in-home) and Imri adored her - she was so good with him. Unfortunately, she's full - she thought she might have an opening because one child might not be working out but he may have turned the corner now. Not that I'd wish misfortune on another parent, but I was really hoping that it would work out. I had such a good feeling about this place and about her. She will have an opening in November and she is keeping us in mind. November. *sigh*. But it's fairly close to my work now, who knows where I'll be in November.

I found a larger centre that seemed all right but it was very expensive. You see, most places won't do part-time infant care, so you have to pay for full-time. This centre wanted $280 dollars. A week. Heh. That's nothing. Kinder C@re wanted $335. And they weren't impressive. Not that I begrudge them money for caring for my child but still - when I compare to prices paid by friends in areas that don't get "Montgomery county tax" - well, it's very high.

So I kept looking and finally found a centre in Monrovia (does "Monrovia" sound Sherlock Holmes-ish or is it just me?) which is a tad out of the way but they want far less and it's in a more rural setting with a huge back yard. I'm still not 100% happy - when I walked in, one of the caregivers for the older kids was sitting reading a magazine rather than playing with kids, etc. Not a great sign. But she's not in the infant area and I don't think Imri will be there long enough to fall into her shrewish clutchesinto her care. The other caregivers seemed nice enough - it's country, so not terribly educated but hey, there are more important things. I guess.

I also have a big fear of him being left in a crib for hours. I will have to do some stealth visits, I think - there were a number of babies in their cribs when I arrived. I am going to be very specific with them, as they are watching my child and I am paying their wages - I spoke to the director who was a very lovely young woman and she assured me that there would be no long crib stays but I stayed up half last night worrying. At this stage I'm unsure as to whether I'm just worried or whether it's my gut.

Anyway, I'm going to continue my search for excellence (I've long since given up on perfection)in daycare. Thank you all for your support and offers of help - I wish I lived closer to any number of you. If you do know of great daycare somewhere up the I-270 corridor between Frederick and Montgomery counties, please email me? And to the anon poster who offered help with immigration stuff - could you email me too please? kinneretb@gmail.com

Yeah, gmail has awesome spam filters. I'm not afraid. And btw, if you want a gmail account, email me - I have about 85 left to give away. It puts all the other free email accounts to shame. I love me some gmail.


So there you have it. We start Wednesday. I'll keep you posted.

Oh yeah, it gets better:

I got to work on Friday and my boss told me that I either work my full shifts as scheduled or I have no job. I stared at her. And reminded her that I have only been back a week (4 scheduled days) and she basically told me "too bad".

Nursing and medicine. The caring professions. Yeah.

The moment I have residency paperwork in my hot little hands I am finding another job. Any company that has such little compassion for an obviously struggling and overwhelmed new mom can go fuck themselves. That's assuming I still work for them when that occurs.

So, I may have no job shortly as I currently have no daycare. The woman I was using looked "surprised" when I stopped in to pick up Imri's stuff on Friday. I told her that she was unkind to leave me without notice and she then said that I was welcome to use her for this next week. As if. No thanks.

Two friends; one from work and another - a sweet woman who I met via the Resolve bulletin boards -are watching Imri Monday and Wednesday respectively. I am so very very VERY thankful and grateful to them both. I just hope it goes well, because if it doesn't, I have no job.

On Friday, John will stay home with Imri and watch him. That is if I still have a job.

I called my mother yesterday in complete crying hysterics and I actually heard the words "mommy, please come" leave my lips. No joke. I haven't called her "mommy" in over 20 years. That's how stressed out I am. She would love to come but my dad isn't doing so well. I know it hurts her that she can't come - she drives me crazy but sometimes you need your mommy. Kind of like Imri does now.

My parents have offered to help a little with my visa paperwork (they are on fixed income and don't have much cash at all)and want me to hire a lawyer. I think it's a fine idea, I just need to find one. Anyone out there an immigration lawyer or know one?

I checked a daycare center out on Friday afternoon - I hate seeing kids lying in cribs with nothing to do. I don't want that for my baby, especially not for Imri who has made it clear that he needs attention. And they told me they wouldn't call me if he cried a lot - which worries me. I mean, I know he's going to cry. I just don't want him crying so hard that he works himself into a sweat. Is this unreasonable of me? I don't know anymore. I just don't want him that upset for hours on end.

So, I am going to check out a bunch more on Tuesday. One other may know if they have an opening tomorrow, I need to call. Oh, and did I mention the phone call with the daycare provider who told me in her raspy cigarette-hoarse voice that she loved babies because "they don't talk"?

Yeah.

I won't be using her.

On the good news front - Imri's jumparoo came (another Ebay conquest). He's in love.

Hey, I'll take small victories these days.

*sigh*

I called my boss and broached this with her:

Tomorrow I will drop Imri off at daycare as per usual, but will go back around 10, nurse and snuggle him for 30 minutes, then try to work for another 2 hours. She agreed to it but was hesitant "How long do you think you will keep on doing this?".

I wish I knew. That's what I told her, too. It's not as if I could even just let him cry (if I wanted to) - Daycare won't do it. She has other kids and is too busy.

My boss told me that was fine, we would try it tomorrow but she needs to re-evaluate whether she can keep me. Yeah. Nursing - the caring profession. Not that I don't understand where she's coming from nor am I ungrateful for what she's done so far, but hell, we've only been doing this for the last week. Give me a break. He's THREE MONTHS OLD, for chrissakes. Why are people so mean?

How I long for Canada - this is so damned unfair and stressful. Do I have any legal recourse if they fire me for something like this?

So, I may not only be losing my daycare but my job, too. I have never been terminated from a job in my life. And I can't get another one without a new visa but I can't get a new visa until I file my residency papers ... and on and on. And if that happens, we may lose our home, because we won't be able to pay all our bills and our mortgage too.

I am so beyond stressed that words don't even begin to describe it. No wonder my psoriasis is through the roof. Only I can't use anything on it because I'm breastfeeding.

I'd type more but I'm crying too hard. Sorry.


Yeah. I wanna hide too.


Update
Daycare called. Tomorrow will be Imri's last day there. She can't handle it - he needs me, she says. It's too painful for her and him. She won't do the two hour thing. She hopes I can be a SAHM.

I don't even know what to say.

Daycare saga - aka the neverending story

Imri was very good on the - wait for it - one hour and one half commute this morning. One and a half hours because Marylanders don't know how to drive in the rain. *sigh*. He slept most of the way, the other part he remained mesmerized by the rear window windshield wiper. Thank you, Hyund@i.
We got to daycare and got settled. I nursed him and left him at 7:50 on Daycare's knee, a happy boy.

At 9:00, the woman who had given me Daycare's name came by and told me she had seen Imri - he had been sort of crying but consolable. She had picked him up and played with him, then settled him in his bouncy seat and he seemed happy.

Around 9:30 I started to look at the clock.

At 10:30 my cellphone rang. I could hear him screaming in the background. Daycare said "He's been crying like this for 30 minutes. I tried to wait him out - he even took 2 oz of EBM but he is sweating from crying so hard. Please come."

I left after apologizing profusely to my unhappy boss. Imri was still crying when I got there, but those heaving tired cries, not the screams I had heard earlier over the phone. It took some time to get him settled - his eyes were swollen with fatigue and tears.

Daycare said he wouldn't nap. She bounced him, rocked him, held him, tried to lie down with him as she had seen me do - when she was with her own daughter, Daycare's mom did the same - no luck. She said he had been held almost non-stop since he arrived. He wouldn't nap. Only ate a little. Was inconsolable.

I settled him to eat as she spoke and he attacked my breast as a person starved. Listening to this I started to cry. I really don't know what to do anymore - my boss is unhappy, my daycare provider is unhappy, my husband is unhappy, everyone seems to think I'm a lousy mom for whatever reason and most importantly of all, my son is unhappy.

I am stuck. I would switch to a different job such as a night shift or weekends in the hospital, but I can't switch jobs (because of my visa status )until I file my residency papers which I am working on, but it will take some time. We need the money from my job to pay our bills, so SAHM is sadly not an option. I work fairly far away from where I live, which poses problems for having an in-home nanny, or for finding daycare closer to home. My husband works even farther away from home. We have no family in the area - my entire family is in Canada and John's is spread out across Maryland - and his mother, who lives close to where he works (and would love to watch Imri)is currently in hospital, having her other leg amputated because of diabetes and heart disease. She already lost the one leg a couple of years ago.

Imri is sitting beside me right now in his bouncy seat, yelling at the starfish that keeps spinning round and round. When I look at him, he looks up at me with a huge grin and laughs delightedly. We converse for a while (mostly laaa!! and hoo! and eeeeeeees and aaaaaaaaaaahhhhs)and he laughs some more, then proceeds to tell the kissing fish to get a room in an increasingly loud voice, much to my amusement.

I just wish I could make him as happy as he is right now, when he's at his daycare.

And thank you to all you nice folks that dropped in from Ask Moxie - I really do appreciate all input and advice, please keep it coming.

One step forward, 2 steps backward

Thank you all so much for delurking. If I had any money, I would donate to somewhere, but right now we're tapped. Sorry. Thanks for the shout-out though.

The weekend went well. Imri took a bottle from John while I was out grocery shopping - with protest, but he took the full 3 oz and wanted more when I got home. We entered Monday with great hope.

Hope came and left when my cell phone rang at work around 10:30 am. Imri is inconsolable, crying and screaming, won't take a bottle even a little bit. I asked her to try for 10-15 more minutes - she did and called me back. Nada. I went to pick him up and he was so upset. It took me quite a while to settle him.

3 hours at work. Hey, it's one more than two hours.

Daycare is stressed about him and his "neediness". Her 9 week old eats and goes to sleep for 2-3 hours at a stretch. Imri has never done that - ever. She said "we will reassess on Friday"

Work isn't happy either and I can't blame them.

I really don't know what to do and have asked Moxie and the Internets for advice. Anyone??

One of the women from my Resolve bulletin board told me that her mom ran a daycare and she fully expected the first couple of weeks with a new baby to be rough, especially if the baby is the more sensitive type. She said that baby would need a lot more holding and a lot more help with the bottle, etc - that is was to be expected. I thought so too, but maybe it's just too much for Daycare to handle with her own infant being so young.

Shit. I think I'll be looking for a new daycare center soon. Shit.

Wish us luck tomorrow.

Is it still "de-lurk" week in blogland?

I'd love to hear from some of you lurkers ... who are you? Where are you reading from? I know there are a fair amount of you (the stats don't lie, baby) but rarely do y'all ever comment. This is your chance to say "hi, it's me!". Go for it.

And an update ...

I took Imri into daycare on Thursday and just stayed with him there for a few hours. Daycare lady didn't really involve herself. She stayed nearby and watched, talked and cooed at him but let me play with him in her home so he could get used to everything. We then went into work and I talked to my boss who, while unhappy about the state of affairs because they do need me there, was wonderful and is working with me to make this work out. So it feels like a win-win situation (because I have to work, which sucks - I'd rather be a SAHM but I digress)which lowers my stress tremendously.

Yesterday I took him in as well, stayed for about 1.5 hours, then went into work with the hopes of staying 2 hours and helping out with lunch relief. It worked out well for all involved, Imri included. DL was going to call if he got very upset but ... he did well. He napped for her after she rocked/bounced him which was great. He only ate 2 oz but then he does snack and for the most part, he remained happy. Monday and Wednesday we will try from 8-12 but I will bring him in a bit earlier to settle him.

It's a gradual thing and it's working for his mommy, too. I may have to stick to 4-8 hour shifts at first, but we'll see. And I will give my husband kudos for saying "we will do whatever needs to be done, don't worry about it" because I really needed to hear that from him.

My mom agree with EVERYTHING I did. A sign of the coming Apocalypse, boys and girls. Prepare now and don't say you weren't warned.

Imri is 3 months old today. Oh, have I mentioned that Imri is wearing some size 6-9 month stuff????? And that he can put his feet on the bottom of the exersaucer so it's now fair game? And that he loves his "t|ny love" activity gym (and so do I)? And how vocal Imri is becoming, with very distinct cries for hunger ("ahhni" - is it just proud momma or does that sound suspiciously like "hungry", which is what I always ask him ... "are you hungry"?)and for just general pissed-offed-ness ("laaaaa")?? He is so alert and involved with the world around him, it's wonderful! And that I got a bunch of cool toys off a lady who lives nearby (she advertised on Craigslist and her son is 2-ish and it turned out as we were chatting that she suffered from infertility and had to do multiple IUIs?


I tell ya, we're everywhere. Be vewy vewy afwaid. And please delurk?

My not-so-good, bad to terrible, awful first daycare day

I was as organized as a stressed mommy at 5 am could be today - John helped me pack up the SUV with all the stuff I needed; diaper bag, diapers, misc. medications, onesies and wipes for the daycare, favourite bouncy seat and activity gym, my backpack with pump, bottles and hands-free bra, extra uniform, lunch bag, bag with bottles and frozen EBM ... IOW, everything possible.

Traffic wasn't great by the time we hit the road around 6:15 and we got to daycare around 7:15 just as Imri was getting fussy. I nursed him and held him and snuggled him and then fled before I completely broke down in front of him. I got to work around 8:00 after sobbing hysterically on the phone to John.

9:20 my cell phone rings. Daycare says Imri has been screaming inconsolably for 20-25 minutes, they have tried everything and will I please come? I tell the charge nurse and take off.

I get to the daycare - he has stopped crying but is fussy and miserable. He doesn't even smile when he sees me but clings to me. Daycare says he was fine for the first while, played in his bouncy seat, was laughing with the "big girls" (4y.o.) but then started fussing - he wouldn't eat, wouldn't play, wouldn't sleep. She rocked him, bounced him, tried everything and he continued to scream ... until she hung up the phone from talking to me. She said "It was as if he knew you were on the way". He took 1 oz of EBM, but that was it.
My poor baby's eyes were swollen with tears and fatigue. He was SO tired and SO upset. I tried nursing him down but he would hardly eat and every time I laid him in the PNP, he would wake after 2-3 minutes crying. There was no consoling him at all.

Daycare and I decided that it was best to call it quits for today - I am going to bring him by tomorrow (we are supposed to be M-W-F) for a couple of hours, at which point I have to go in and talk to work, and see if we can work something out for the next several days as we try and ease Imri into progressively longer days at daycare.

I started packing up my stuff- he started crying as soon as I handed him to Daycare. It's not her - she's lovely - he just doesn't want to be away from his mommy. As soon as I had him in the car seat, he looked up at me, closed his eyes and went to sleep.

We're home now (although we had a power outage since noon) and he's much happier - he wouldn't let me put him down at first, but now that we've had a good cuddle, nap and feed, he's a much happier boy. He's such a sunshiny kid to begin with ... for him to cry like that means he was really unhappy and I will NOT let him CIO at 12 weeks.
Some of the girls at work said "you're spoiling him" ... well, I don't agree. I don't believe that letting young babies cry and cry and cry is the right thing to do (that's how I feel, others may disagree). I know my son better than anyone does - I knew this was going to be a difficult day because I didn't - and don't - think he's ready for daycare. But we need the money from my work.

Anyway, hopefully work will be understanding and let me do some half days as we ease Imri into this new arrangement, otherwise someone else better volunteer to pay the mortgage.

I can just hear my mother tonight when she calls to see how the day went ... "well, if you had just left him outside for a while ..."

Nipple nipple, who's got the nipple?

Imri took a bottle from me and from John yesterday - I had gone out and purchased #2 @vent nipples in the hopes that it would work better than what we had ... and it did. Much rejoicing resounded throughout the land.

Today I confidently attempted a repeat. All he'll do is gum it. John is trying right now with the same results. *sigh*. I really don't know what to do. And I just bought a good-sized lot of @vent bottles and nipples off of Ebay. Ah well.

Imri's been hanging off my tits today. Seriously, the kid hasn't stopped and oh boy, are my nipples sore. I'm guessing 3 month growth spurt. Which would explain his needing to eat frequently through the night lately after a brief (and much enjoyed) jaunt of 4-5 hours of sleep at once. Oh well.

I hardly slept last night as I lay in bed, looking at my sleeping son (and husband) between 1 and 4 am. Sleep finally came around 5, when John rose but by then it was too late - time to rise and shine with early-riser boy. I'm pretty darn tired tonight, add to it that John came home late because his mom is in hospital, and Jr had been his shmucky teen self (caught him lying again) and I'm plum worn out. I'm sure the reason for my lack of sleep is my meeting Sunday with the daycare person.

Daycare (and work) start Wednesday. She and Imri got along although he was fussy with her. He's been more fussy than normal of late (definitely growth spurt stuff). I'm still (and so is she) worried about the eating thing. I don't know what to make of it at all - he took it twice in a certain kind of bottle and nipple, then no more. Then twice more with the new stuff ... and no more. Both frozen EBM and freshly expressed stuff. Maybe it's just coincidence. I'm sans answers. Maybe it's the growth spurt thing but I honestly don't know.

I don't want him to starve at daycare (thank you all for your input on this) and my kid being the stubborn boy he is (what, you think he inherited that from me??) might just go on strike. Fortunately, I work 10 minutes from the daycare, but still ...

And yes, of course in some small (or not so small) part of me, I really hope he doesn't take the bottle at all and I have to stay home with him. Absolutely I do. Don't be silly. Gods, I'm tired.

(Do you think I have enough parenthesis in this entry?)

and a Happy New Year

A small story from the other day - I ambitiously took Imri grocery shopping. Not a quick in and out, either ... but a serious order. He started fussing about 1/4 of the way through. I took him out of his carseat and held a nearly 15 lb baby in one arm, pushed the cart with the other. That was much fun and lasted until he got very hungry. He refused the bottle of cool breastmilk I foisted upon him, no matter how I tried. He got fussier and fussier, angrier and angrier and progressively more vocal about his situation.

Three quarters of the way through the Gi@nt Eagle found me in the paper goods aisle, sitting with half my butt gingerly parked on the shelving between large packages of B0unty paper towels, my shopping cart piled high with groceries and partially in front of me, obscuring the view as I breastfed my son.

The only thing that surprised me were the nice comments I got from some moms that walked by, smiled and basically said "you do what you have to do!". I was positive some mean soul was going to get nasty and do a mommy-drive-by, but I was pleasantly surprised at the support offered. And Imri was delighted at the availability of warm breast milk. There you have it.

We've been trying to get Imri used to his crib and its been hit or miss. Miss, mostly. The young man in question does NOT like being separated from his mommy. And daycare starts next week *insert howl of anguish from mommy here*.

Last night, Imri had his bath, then ate (only one side), fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. That lasted 20 minutes. So, more rocking, he ate much more, singing, etc. Another 10 minutes. Then finally he went down for about an hour. I rejoiced but still ...that brought us to 11:30pm.

Considering that the night before he had us up every 15 minutes on the hour till 1am and the couple of nights before that weren't much better, I considered myself lucky and dragged my sorry and exhausted carcass to bed, avec my son, fed him and we both crashed. I guess I'll just keep trying to push it later and later. John hasn't been helping much over the last couple of nights because of the &^#%*@ college football games. Oh and his new DVD recorder/new computer. Whatever. I'm not doing this alone.

Yeah, you may be hearing some bitter. The husbandly one and I are having some issues, especially regarding his coping mechanisms which seem to be on a short fuse usually and more so of late. Not to mention the lack of smoking cessation. And, it seems the shorter fuse = more smoking than usual. And butts left on our driveway to multiply. In general, his shorter fuse makes me unhappy - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells some days and I don't like it, neither am I impressed.
Add to his smoking, the abundant family history of diabetes and heart disease (serious heart disease), as well as his eating habits - and hey, I feel like he's throwing away our years together. And if you read this (he usually doesn't venture here) my love, that hurts me beyond my ability to tell you without causing us further grief.
The following is an open letter to the love of my life. SKIP DOWN if you don't want to read my maudlin diatribe.

You are my sweetheart, my beloved. We got a late start on this love thing, you and I, which makes the time we have together all the more precious. You are the reason for so much of the happiness in my life. I love you with all that I am, and what I'm seeing you do to yourself hurts. You are killing yourself and I say this as your wife and as an RN.

I want to grow old with you. I want us to watch our son grow into the amazing and wonderful young man we know he is going to be, get married (if he so chooses) and have children - our grandkids - and for you to actually be there to revel in that sweet joy. And I want to be able to love YOU. Not your memory, not what we had, but you in the flesh and blood, even if we're both wrinkled, crinkled and scratchy. I don't want my senior years filled with visits to your headstone.

Yes, this diatribe is full of "I" statements, but it's you who is being selfish ... Imri needs his dad and I need my husband. And I am filled with fear, true fear, that I am losing you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday far far too soon for us.

I don't like airing our dirty laundry in public but I need to get it out somehow without either of us getting angry and defensive. I've suggested joint counseling and you've shot that down but I don't know what else to do to reach you and tell you how worried and scared I am. This is not exaggerating, sweetheart and deep in your heart, you know that what I am saying is true. I love you so much - please don't do this to yourself and to us. Please quit smoking. Please.

OK, END DIATRIBE.

On to other and better things - Imri has found his hands. This realization has helped him sleep in the crib unattended, I believe. He can self-soothe a bit now so I am quite happy. And on the "other" and not "better" - daycare starts next week when I return to work. Ack. We are meeting the daycare provider this Sunday in her home, just the three of us. It will let her get to know him, etc. However ...

Small problems with the whole daycare issue are these:
1. He doesn't sleep well alone and he still startles readily.
2. He won't take a pacifier.
3. He has stopped taking the bottle. (I went out and bought some new/other nipples, hth)
4. He likes being held. A lot. and he really likes interacting with people, not so much with his activity mat.
5. He's a snacker. Doesn't usually go for long feeds.

I think my kid is gonna fail daycare. Oy.
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?


Found my hands!



Happiness



Out cold after a long fun-filled day

Happy Chanukah!

From all of us at Chez Chaos.

Under the letter O for "obvious"

Do not hold baby above your face as if "flying" right after feeding said baby.

See also: "oops",

See also: P for "projectile", V for "vomit" and &^@%#*.

Five things about me

As I mentioned previously, the gorgeous and talented Daytagged me with a meme, requesting that I share 5 things about me.

Five things. Man, I'm gonna have to dig deep, especially seeing as she did such a great job - and has such an interesting life. I am not so sure I do ...er... at least not stuff I want the general public to know about. But here goes.

1. I spent two years in the Israeli Army on the West Bank. All politics aside, it was probably one of the better times of my life.

2. I love food and find it extremely sensual. John says that my motto should be "life is too short for bad food and bad coffee". I'd take a serious cooking class if I could afford to do so. Unfortunately, I don't often have the time to cook as I would like - and besides, my husband thinks Kraft dinner (Mac and cheese to the Americans) is haute cuisine.

3. I am very pro-choice. Having found myself knocked up at the tender age of 16 and having to be "interviewed" by a committee of 3 men who had the right to decide whether or not I could have an abortion, opened my eyes to the lack of rights that women had - and have - regarding their own bodies and reproductive rights. Sadly, I find those rights - rights we have fought so hard for over the last several years - are being eroded in the USA. It makes me madder than I can say and my regret is that I don't have the money nor the time (nor the vote - yet)to devote to making my voice heard more loudly. Makes me question whether I should bother filling out those US citizenship papers.

4. I wish I was a kinder, more graceful and more patient person. I often wish I was more of a lot of things.

5. I never thought parenting would be so utterly wonderful. Yeah, it's hard. But I don't care. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love and adore my son. I never thought that I'd want to be a SAHM and definitely never thought I'd be nigh-hysterical at the thought of having to leave my boy with someone else.

Maybe that's more than 5 ... but there you have it.

In case I don't get back here on time, a happy and joyous holiday season to all my readers. Who knew last year, when we were in the depths of despair after another miscarriage that this year would bring Imri into our arms? I can never ever say "I'm not a lucky person" ever again.

Happy Hanukkah!!

Bonehead Maneuver #14,348

Ah, my wedding and engagement rings, I thought to myself as I smoothed lotion over my freshly-showered self. Imri snoozed nearby and I grabbed my beloved rings. It had been so long since I had a chance to wear them - they came off around 16 weeks into my pregnancy because of awful swelling. I had tried them on before, but they hadn't fit and I had put them away and waited patiently.

"I've lost 35+ lbs ... I'm SURE they'll fit NOW!"

I slid on my wedding band, a slender band of white gold and diamonds. It barely squeezed over my knuckle and landed in its place. "Snug but ok" I thought. And reached for the engagement ring despite the "Danger! Danger!" whispering in my teeny brain.

Two minutes later found me with my hand in ice water and the other hand on the phone to the emergency room, my finger swelling rapidly and turning different shades of colour, none of them good.

Ten minutes later found Imri and I in the SUV and headed for the emergency department, icepack held tightly in my hand.

The RN's words were "grossly swollen". His usual ring removal tricks wouldn't work - they had to be cut off. None of the really nice RNs laughed at me, in fact they shared similar stories. They asked me if it hurt and nothing really hurts but my pride.

I love my husband. He hasn't laughed at me once over this (wise man).

The good news? The rings are repairable (read: up-sizeable)and Imri finally pooped. It's only been three days. Three days worth of baby poop in one ...er... pooping. Oy.

I just wanted to wear my rings again. *sigh*

And that's my day so far. How's yours?

Happy mediums

I'm starting to think maybe I was raised by wolves.

Perhaps I'm being unkind to wolves in my assessment of their parenting skills, but I really am shaking my head after some comments by my mom and eldest sister.

Now I'll give them both the fact that it's been a long while (40 and 20 years, respectively)since either of them has raised an infant and attitudes and things have changed yada yada yada but seriously, folks?
Some of the comments have been as such:

"Wrap the baby up and leave him outside for a couple of hours - it'll do him good to get fresh air and you'll get a break". This said when it was in the 30-40s (Farenheit).

"You shouldn't feel like you HAVE to breastfeed - I mean, you need to take care of YOU!"

Her: "You shouldn't hold him all the time". Me: "But he's clingy and cranky and I don't think he's feeling well - besides, he screams when I put him down". Her: "Well, just put him in the crib and go out for a walk".

Me: "He just got his shots and is sleeping, I want to keep an eye on him". Her: "Put him in his crib and go to sleep yourself. He'll be fine".

(OK, maybe that last one isn't that big a deal when you read it, but it is to me. I am a mom and an RN, I am well aware - probably far too aware - of the many issues that can arise when it comes to vaccine reactions. And hell, I've been reading too many "don't vaccinate your kid" websites, I admit it. Besides, he doesn't sleep in his crib. Yet.)

So now I figure that I must have been left alone in my crib, screaming for hours in the cold Winnipeg snow. It stands to reason.

I'm just getting tired of the judgments that are being handed down by the Famiglia. Many warnings of how I needed to get Imri accustomed to the bottle - well, he took to it without any problems - or practice - when we were out holiday shopping in the mall. How he's "too clingy".
You see, I don't believe in letting babies this young "cry it out". Actually, I don't believe in CIO at all, at any age. I don't believe that infants should be left alone to scream. Nor do I believe that I am spoiling my son. Does he need to learn to go to sleep on his own? Absolutely. Does sticking him in a crib and letting him deal with the consequences at 8-9 weeks of age sound like a plan? Not even close.

Basically it boils down to this (and both Beaver Girl and Day seem to be addressing similar issues) - I am the parent and I will parent as I see fit. I may suck at it, but as long as my son is happy, well-fed, content and flourishing I can't be sucking too badly.

And according to the doctor, Imri is in the 75th percentile for height and weight and meeting all his milestones, so I'm thinking he's doing pretty well.

In the meantime, he got 4 (poor baby boy!) shots yesterday. DTaP, Polio, Hib (meningitis) and Pneumococcus. It was very important to me that he get his Hib vaccine, as I had meningitis as an infant and very nearly died. As a result - well, other than the obvious, I also have no hearing in my left ear. As for the others? I read up at this good site and made some decisions. The RN who administered the shots was very good at her work and I was thankful. Imri stopped crying after 3-4 minutes and only I was left with tears.

I gave him Tylenol in the doc's office around 11 am and figured we'd see how he did, rather than just dose him round the clock. He slept and ate and seemed pretty good, overall. At 4pm, just after a diaper change, he started to scream. I gave Tylenol quickly but the screaming continued. He screamed. And screamed. Imri is usually relatively easy to console and he was having none of it. I called the ped's office and after being on hold for 10 minutes and almost hanging up and driving like the crazed mother I am to the hospital, a nurse finally came on and basically told me to stick it out another 15-20 minutes and if he was still going for it, I should call back. Fortunately, after *only* 25 minutes of screaming, he finally quieted. His mother, however, was another story. Did I mention that during this time I kept trying to get ahold of John frantically, only to find he wasn't answering his cellphone? Yeah, that wasn't fun either. I was a mess of tears by the time he walked in the door.

Anyway, I dosed Imri again at 8 and again around 1:30 am, just to make sure he was ok. This morning his temp is 99.7 which is fine and I didn't give him any more - he's also been sunshiny, smiling, laughing and cooing.

Up till now, that is. I decided to start getting him used to being put to bed and soothing himself to sleep - that method where you put your baby down and let him know you're there if he gets very fussy, even pick him up and shush for a while but put him down again ... it took a good 45 minutes but he eventually did fall asleep. Poor little guy - crying with his eyes closed, he was so tired. I hate when he cries. But he did eventually fall asleep from sheer exhaustion - and he knew I was there the entire time.

I guess it's some form of happy medium.

Time for my nap too. Can't you tell?

Things you might need if and when your infant comes aka Amy, this one's for you - oh and some other thoughts too.

A couple of thoughts. I was asked by someone why I considered myself infertile (yes, I'm typing this one-handed as my son is sleeping in my arms) as my infertile history isn't as "lengthy" or as "dramatic" as that of others in my link list. Well, aside from debating whether or not that's a rather rude or immaterial question, I realized that I wrote a lot on another journal I used to keep and never transferred it here. I'm gonna try. Bear with me please.

Amy who asked for grrl's list - I have it but have no way of contacting you. Your profile is inaccessible. Let me know how to contact you assuming you're still interested. I can tell you a couple of things that saved me, however.

A bouncy seat w/vibrating mode. OH YEAH, baby. I have the FP aquarium one, he loves it.
PNP with vibrating mode (are you sensing a theme here?)
The swing? Not so much early on but better now. FP Aquarium one as well.
Washable changing table pads. Lots of em.
A good nursing bra. Seriously. I've just ordered a hands-free one for pumping. I hate the one I got at Targez.
Kolcraft infant carrier(infant car seat hooks on).
Washclothes!
Sleep sacks.
Laundry hamper - I bought a big white garbage can with a foot pedal because the laundry hampers at the accursed Wall of Marts had tiny openings, no foot pedals and clearly were NOT designed by a mom with a baby hanging off of her and poopy clothes in her hands. Plus they were more expensive than the garbage cans. Mine looks just like a laundry hamper anyway.
Nursing PJs!!- Can I emphasize this enough (if you plan on breastfeeding)? I had maybe one nightgown with a button-down front. Needless to say, that has changed.

Snugli -drives me bonkers just getting it on. It's a great concept and maybe the one I have is just wretched in design because when I do get it on, Imri loves it.
Boppy - not bad but it's soft and sort of "caves in" which isn't really conducive to great latch if breastfeeding.
My Brest Friend- atrocious name (who the hell is their marketing person???) but I found it useful during the first few weeks. Not so much now because I have fast let-down. But solid and it clips around you which frees your hands a bit.
Infant bath seat - ix-nay. First Safety, I think? Imri hates it and the suction cups just don't stay down. So I get in the bath with him and hold him - he tolerates it that way. I think it will get better when he's able to sit up on his own.

Diapers - we used P@mpers Sw@ddlers when he was newborn but once he started to grow, they leaked no matter how much we went up a size. So now we use Huggie$ $upreme and they rock. YMMV, of course.
Oh and Diaper bag - I ordered the Land's End do-it-all bag and while I love it, it's also quite large. A little too large, actually.

So there you have it. Oh and don't buy too many of those cute clothes - you'll get tons from friends and family.

While I'm talking baby - is there such a thing as an ongoing growth spurt? Imri wants to eat ALL the time. I know there's one at 3 and 6 weeks, 3 and 6 months, etc ... but he is 9 weeks now. Believe it. My son is 2 months old.

Since I seem to be addressing comments, one for David who seems to be perturbed that I am "knocking the US". Well, yes I am. And I shall continue to do so, as long as I feel it necessary. Just FYI, I am an equal opportunity knocker. I knock Canada when it screws up. I knock Israel as well. But on the issue of maternity leave (and healthcare but that's a whole nuther ball o wax), the United States of America is downright PATHETIC and I will say so loudly and clearly and shall continue to say so until someone hears me - and others - and things change. Which will be never because it's against business interests. Which seem to rule in this country above all else, even the welfare of children.

It behooves one to wonder (and I say this without any scientific evidence, I admit it freely)why the US has the highest rate of violent crime of any other Westernized nation - perhaps because moms have to go back to work far too fucking early??

So yeah, I prefer Canada and its social safety net because I believe that not only do citizens have a responsibility to their country, but vice versa as well. I realize that I sound like a flaming liberal (not that it offends me to be called that,I think being a social liberal is a good thing) but you'd be surprised how conservative I am fiscally. Just so you know.

Oh and don't get me started on the assholes who are upset at the Shrub's "holiday" card. Screw you and the horse you rode in on.

'Nuff said.


Oh shoot. Day tagged me. Wench. Next post.

He smiled at me

Really really smiled. Not once. Not twice. Three times in a row amidst a couple of awful/cranky/miserable (and sleep-deprived mommy)days.

All is forgiven, my son. Yes, that's all it takes.

Hedonism 101

Imri loves his food, oh yes he does. He's like mom that way ... more than he realizes. My son seems to be a hedonist.

I put him to the breast. He gets a true gleam in his eye and even before he started to smile for real, he would smile. It's just a look of pure happiness and joy. And then ... the ritual begins.

He sniffs my nipple as if to insure that this is not one of those imposter nipples - nope, it's the real mcdeal. Then he either gloms onto it like nobody's business if he's truly hungry - or, if not as starved, he runs his lips over it lovingly; once, twice, three times, shaking his head from side to side with accompanying sound effects, the gleam in his eye becoming a sparkle.

He licks my nipple once or twice, almost cautiously, then reassured again starts to suckle. And stops, as if he forgot something, raising his head and letting the nipple slip out. He nuzzles it several more times, sniffing as he goes, with the odd grunt or exclamation of glee, milk smearing all over his face. Then suddenly he attacks and nothing else matters - love is forgotten and all that is left is the need to fill his stomach.

If he loses latch or somehow the nipple slips out, he lets out a wail in short order, a wail reminiscent of tragedy, starvation, and a life of misery - unless it is reinserted quickly. To which he chortles with pleasure and gets back down to business.

Yeah.

Last evening I gave him a bath, in the hopes that the warm water would soothe him and perhaps I could put him down early (and in his crib, not John and my bed, AP parent that I am turning out to be)- around 8 or 9pm, have him wake around 11-12, feed and see how he does, either leave him in the crib or bring him into bed. Well, the first part went really well : bath, feeding and he fell asleep. I stole into the nursery around 8pm (we still don't have a rocker there *sigh*) and laid him down, sound asleep until about 8:25 when he started to cry because of gas.

Another feeding attempt yielded little sleepiness. Anyway, he promptly went into his dad's arms now because mom seems to be only synonymous with food. Currently he's screaming bloody murder aka "I'm hungry" although he has pretty much fed non-stop since 7:00. It's 9:30.

We went with the usual 10-11 pm sleeptime. In bed. With me. He finally slept ... after another feeding. But he sure smelled good.

Speaking of baths, he hates being put in the bath seat and screamed as if he was being tortured until I picked him up (I was in the tub with him) and held him, then took a bowl and poured the warm water over his body - which he absolutely loved. I mean ... he LOVED it, smiling as warm water cascaded over his nekkid bits. He cried when I stopped and took him out, only to coo at me when I gently patted him all over and patted his tuchas. You should hear him giggle at diaper change time. I kid you not - one of his favourite activities.

My son the hedonist. It's gonna be fun!

Air Imri

Imri is a very gassy boy. He doesn't have colic, but oh boy does he have gas. While he sleeps, I'll often hear him pass lots of gas - which is great, even though I wonder how one small boy has so much air inside his gut. And I mean a LOT of air. Oh yes.

But when he's awake and primarily when eating, gas becomes a big deal. He'll get red-faced and angry and start screaming (and snorting, making it worse)while trying to pass it. It's almost like he's saying: "OH MY GOD, there's AIR coming out of my BUTT!! AIR!!! Out of my BUTT!!! What fresh hell is this?? HELP! Please HELP!!"

It's very upsetting seeing him so frazzled over farts. Really. I try and soothe him, give him props for passing it,etc. - it works sometimes, other times not so much. Mylic0n drops help a little - maybe. Hard to say. I've read so many different things that either say "diet affects this" or "diet doesn't affect this" that I'm cross-eyed and still confused.

The one consistent thing I've picked up from reading the various baby experts is that this too shall pass - usually around 2-3 months of age. And then I thought ... Imri will be 7 weeks old this Friday - nearly 2 months old and hopefully, the gas terror is on its way out. But 7 weeks old - when the hell did that happen?

On the one hand, I'm relieved that this misery may be on its last legs for his sake, and while I am delighted at seeing the changes in my boy as he grows - I looked at some of the outfits he wore only a couple of weeks ago and they are too small. He doesn't look like a newborn anymore. He is growing and changing - smiling when I smile, laughing frequently ...so many changes, so quickly - it's wonderful and difficult, all at the same time. I guess I finally understand what every mom told me "cherish it because it passes so quickly".

So quickly that I had my post-partum checkup yesterday. Imri came with me in his stylish outfit and new "shoes". It went well and the doc even commented on how beautiful he is, totally unsolicited. He better be, she delivered him. Still, the appointment was one more thing that carries the stamp of "time is passing quickly". Which is bad because work looms ahead.

I dread having to go back to work. DREAD it. I try not to think about it because it's the absolute last thing I want to do. If we lived in Canada, I'd have a whole year of paid leave (which Canadians pay into with mandatory payroll deductions - it's not just for mat leave but unemployment, etc) to care for my baby, rather than pay for someone else to care for him. Here in the land of "family values" I only get my saved vacation time (and I had used up a large chunk of that with the last miscarriage) and what I have paid for out of my own pocket - a measly 6 weeks, which insurance has cleverly cut to 5 weeks "oh yes ma'am, 6 weeks minus your 'elimination' period of 7 days". Bastards. I'd like to show them what elimination really means. Yeah. I mention to John frequently that Canada is a brighter option for so many reasons, this just one of them.

Oh, and hon? If you read this? Happy Anniversary :) And yes, let's seriously consider Canada, ok?

Anyway, I didn't write this to be a kvetch-fest, but rather to talk about gas - because really, what mother doesn't want to discuss her child's GI tract on the Internet? And I've done that, so now to the pictures - because that's why you're here, isn't it?



Nice shoes, huh?

Anal retentive

You know that trick that you're told NICU nurses do with babies? The one where you use a rectal thermometer to gently stimulate the pooping reflex if need be?

Oh boy, does it work.

Revenge of the baby, part one.

Young Imri got his first shot Friday. It was traumatic for both mom and baby ... baby has probably forgotten already but the sudden look of pain on an otherwise happy baby's face will be engraved upon my memory forever. I'm not sure who cried more.

Other than that, he is doing well. His weight is now 9lbs 14oz and he has nearly gained 2 inches in height. He is still relatively small - between 25 and 50th percentile but that's better than the 10th percentile he was in. Besides, I'm not so hung up about numbers, truthfully. He's thriving and that's all that matters. I even got my first sort-of smile/giggle today, which brought me to tears. Of course. I cry over everything, especially the good stuff.

After the shot, he slept most of the afternoon away (interdispersed by much eating, only come evening to be attacked by a bad case of the gassies. I had already figured that it would be a rough night considering how deeply he had slept - and I was right - bad bad gas, compounded by being bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ready for play at 10-11pm. No amount of hushing, lullabye-ing or rocking made him any sleepier. I passed him off to Dad, which prompted much wailing until I realized he wanted to eat. Again. At least it helped him pass the gas somewhat. Poor little guy. It wasn't a fun night for Mom or Baby. We got a brief bout of sleep from 12-3, then waking on the hour every hour to eat. I kid you not.

Fast forward to Saturday where we hear many farts but no bowel movements, at least not since Friday afternoon, unusual for he who craps frequently. I figured something was brewing even though he was in a better mood. Sure enough, this afternoon during a leisurely feed I suddenly looked down at my infant son and proclaimed loudly "What the HELL is that??". Simply put ... the boy stank. I mean ... he reeked.
Now I am definitely wanting my money back because Drs Sears et al have proclaimed throughout the baby-rearing kingdom, that breastfed babies crap DOES NOT SMELL. Or at least, not as badly as formula fed babies. If this is just the beginning ... my GODS, are we in for a treat as things move forward.

Anyway, I took the smiling stinker upstairs for a change, only to realize that it was a huge blowout ... poop all up his back and everything. I was right - he had been saving up.
I got him cleaned up pretty well and he was lying there half starkers, looking at me and gurgling. Then he started to cry and I leaned over him to comfort him/pick him up ... which is when the ambush hit! Pee cascaded all down the front of my sweat top, on the changing table (which I had just cleansed of poop)and on the brand new carpet. Imri gurgled contentedly. His nefarious scheme had succeeded! I couldn't help but burst out laughing and in doing so ... well, let's just say that all my Kegel-doing in the world didn't help. OOps! I then hauled his stinky self to the sink for a mini-bath. Mind you, I just changed my shirt ... I definitely need a shower over here. Definitely. Hopefully I'll find time eventually. Yeah.

I'm waiting to see what he has planned in retaliation for next month's shots. Stay tuned.













I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille ... come just a little closer ...

I hope you dance

I am typing slowly as a certain young man is sleeping peacefully on my chest. We decided that a musical interlude was called for as he's been fussy - yesterday we ended up at the doc's because of a terrible sore stomach and gas, most likely indigestion caused by yours truly, the bad mommy who ate orange chicken without thinking too much about it. Oops.

So, I put on an old CD of mine from Israel called הכבש הששה עשר or for those without Hebrew font or knowledge, "The Sixteenth Sheep", a children's album put out some time ago by some famous Israeli singers/songwriters. It's absolutely wonderful and clever, both lyrically as well as musically. When it came out in Israel, it made big waves and several of the songs were on top 100 lists - but that's Israel for you. Speaking of which, I know I have readers from Israel ... any baby music recommendations? And that's not just directed at the Israelis amongst you, btw.

So Imri and I danced to the music - he listened intently to the music and my singing, his bright eyes looking at me, at the light in the room, at everything until he drifted asleep in my arms. And I started to cry ... a fleeting memory to carry with me forever, my infant son slowly falling asleep in my arms as we dance.

My sweet sweet Imri. This feeling is something well and truly beyond happiness, beautiful boy. I love you so much.

Hey, I'm we're still here

Actually, I'm rejoicing in the 6 whole hours of sleep I got last night! No, not in a row ... you must have forgotten what it's like having a 3 week old ... but for the first time in a while, he ate well (I am breastfeeding him)and slept for 2-3 hours at a stretch, then awoke to eat - and sleep - some more. As I have now deluded myself into thinking that I am actually well-rested, I will probably go on and on about a jumble of things that interest no one but myself. Here goes ...

Poor Imri has gas. Mylic0n drops do help but they are not a cure. The foods I eat seem to make no difference although I am trying to keep milk products to a minimum, despite studies that show it makes no difference. But last night Imri slept without waking in screaming agony even once. And voila, mom feels like she won the lottery. Yeah, I'd give a lot for some decent REM sleep, but hey - I'm not complaining. Honest.

My beautiful son is a very sweet-tempered boy - and I am a lucky woman. He cries - nay, screams, when the basics don't go his way - ie, the breast is not offered promptly and forthwith, when I insist on cleaning his poopy bottom, or the aforementioned gas attacks. Other than that, he is a sunshiny child, alert and interested in most things around him, preferably light sources of all kinds. He is holding up his head with remarkable ease for an infant - he actually was doing that when he was new-born, but he really holds it up now - yes, I'm a proud and doting mommy and I'm bragging. So there.

Imri is a boy of many names, one of which is "Grunty McSnorty" ... you should hear him when he's tucking into a meal at my breast. It's pretty funny - if I could figure out how to use John's vid-cam, I'd tape him. He'll make a moue` with his mouth - I'll insert the nipple and he'll get a gleam in his eye and start shaking his head frantically and grunt repeatedly... "no!! No mom! Not like that!!" while straight-arming me and popping on and off the latch until I finally place it correctly and to his exacting specifications. Yeah, he's gonna be an engineer. Oy. But he's a great eater when he *does* latch on. And he does too smile, darn it. I see it frequently when he's put to the breast. Funny how that is.

He loves to be held and to snuggle, which has made it a tad difficult to use the bassinet regularly. As it stands, John has taken over the couch downstairs (mostly because I threatened him with various plagues if his *&^$%#&! alarm clock EVER woke me again after I had finally fallen asleep ...) and Imri and I share the big bed. Yes yes, I have heard of the evils of co-sleeping, but I fail to see the difference between him lying on his back on our bed with me next to him (and trust me, I don't move. Hell,no, I'm sound asleep when he is)and him lying on his back in the bassinet. He is happy and content and more importantly - he sleeps. And also of extreme importance ... when he sleeps, I sleep. It's all good.

He does freak me out sometimes when he does his "light sleep cycles". Yeah, I even googled it because it happens frequently during feeding time - suddenly his eyes will open and he'll look around - only he's not really looking around. His mouth moves, he makes little laughing sounds, maybe even continue to nurse ... only he's not awake. Thank the google gods for hits on "ask dr sears.com" which describe my baby to a T. I was close to calling the pediatrician.

Whom I adore, by the way. Dr E is a gem and I love her. On our second visit (with the whole jaundice scenario)to see her, she heard me talking to my mom in the hallway and came round the corner with a sweet smile and asked "how's Imri doing today?". She knew his name already - call me silly but that, in addition to her calm demeanor and breadth of knowledge impressed the hell out of me, considering how busy she is.
She asked me why I hadn't had him vaccinated for Hep B while in hospital ... is it only me that thinks that inoculating a newborn falls into the category of "cruel and unusual"? Besides, they couldn't promise me that the vaccine didn't have thimerisol in it, so ... I said no. There's plenty of time for it - probably at his one month visit, when he gets a few others. Ouch. Yes I'm an RN, but when it comes to my son, I'm just a mom - they had to take blood from him during the jaundice thang ... not just a heel stick either, they did venipuncture and I was a complete and utter hysterical and sobbing mess. It's a good thing my mom was with me. Nuff said.

Speaking of which, it was wonderful and awful having my parents here. Both of them are wonderful people who only want the best for us all but we are all set in our ways and they forget that they're in their seventies. Add to the mix one hormonal, exhausted and strung-out postpartum woman and you have a setup for all kinds of hijinx. The kicker for me was when my dad decided to reorganize my linen closet. Yeah.

My parents helped out tremendously though - they worked very hard helping get our house ready for the bris and with Imri having jaundice and me on orders not to drive - well, it would have been very tough getting around. Not to mention the cooking and cleaning she did ... and the hard work my dad did helping John finish the nursery.

And John - he has been wonderful. I can't say enough, so I won't. I am a lucky woman.

Anyway, I've babbled on enough. Please feel free to share advice, assvice and anything else and thank you so much for your good wishes. If you've emailed me and expected a swift response - well, can you hear my laughter from over there? Yes Paul, this means you.

And a reward for those of you who have read this far ... more pics! My beautiful baby is getting so big so very fast. Oh, and since Blogger is giving me grief with the titling of pics - the dark pic before the nursery pics is what the room looked like when we moved in. Yeah, and kids lived in that room. Amazing.

I'm not much of a photographer but

... I really had to post this picture. He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I'm in love.

Stealing a moment

to post some pics ... the jaundice has resolved nicely, the bris was beautiful and on my 40th birthday which made it even more special. All my siblings were at my side, my parents were here and even some of John's family came. John is besotted with his new son and is so very proud.

Here he is ... my beautiful and beloved Imri.

Introducing ....

Well, it's been hard to find the time to post - a rough week including an infection (me) and jaundice (baby) which has meant many doctors visits on both ends and much bloodwork for my poor beautiful son ... but he's here and magnificently gorgeous, of course.

It started one week ago when u/s revealed far too little amniotic fluid and I was ordered to go straight to the hospital for induction. This set off a panic in two countries - Canada (my parents and sibs)and the US (my husband who was NOT expecting an early visitor!).

By 12 noon last Thursday they had already done u/s and confirmed the fluid status - and that the baby was doing practice breathing in utero, so he was a good delivery risk. I was 37 weeks, 3 days at that point.

They started induction with Cytotec (vaginally) which did wonders for contractions and slight effacement but little for dilation which remained at 0. Yeah. So four hours later we did another dose of Cytotec by mouth which did pretty much the same thing. Contractions were strong and regular, effacement was good but we didn't progress. So, another dose of vaginal Cytotec 4 hours after that ... and we were completely effaced.

At this point I had been labouring for about 12-14 hours with no real progress and it was early in the morning. The nurses and my doc were awesome - the doc decided after the third Cytotec dose to start me on Pitocin, an IV induction drip. Man, that stuff works but after several hours, I was exhausted and still only slightly dilated. The doc was concerned about my exhaustion - which was apparent to all, it seems and they offered me Nubain. I had already decided that I didn't want narcotics but after nearly 24 hours of labour and no end in sight, my husband encouraged me to take it so to get some desperately needed rest. I did and was so glad!! Just goes to show you, you need to be flexible in your birth plan, seriously. I wouldn't have made it without that rest.

When I awoke we realized that I was now 3 cm dilated and this was good! Finally! They called the anaesthesiologist who put in the epidural but ten minutes later I had no relief from what was now heavy labour. So the anaesthesia dude dosed the epidural ... and suddenly everything got really slow and tinny-sounding and I went down. I kept trying to tell my husband and the nurse that something was terribly wrong but I didn't think they could hear me and I couldn't move (I thought I was dying, seriously) - it seemed like forever (I found out later it was about 1-2 minutes) but we found out that the epidural was in the wrong place. The doc removed it and I slowly returned to normal - but still in heavy labour.

They asked me if I still wanted an epidural and I definitely did ... but I had to wait another 30 minutes for another attempt and that was hard - serious strong contractions, which I handled well but was in a great deal of pain. John was wonderful through this entire thing, btw. So 30 minutes later we got in an epidural without further incident, thank heaven ... and I got some relief and some sleep.

When I awoke, the nurse did an internal ... and viola! 36 hours later and I was fully dilated! And I told the nurse I felt pressure .... before I knew it, I was being told to push!

41 minutes labour our beautiful son was born as I pushed and watched through a mirror - the most incredible sight I've ever seen. He weighs 7lb 1oz, 20 inches long and has reddish-blond hair. He is beautiful - truly beautiful and perfect and worth every bit of everything we went through to bring him here.

I hope to have pics soon - they are on the computer but I haven't really had time to do much with them. The bris is Sunday (delayed because of jaundice) so once he's named, I will share.

Thank all of you for your wonderful support over this time! I will keep you posted.

If it's a guest poster, you know there has to be news

Oh I love this part! This is when it is SO good to be the Auntie Em!

Ahem... I am pleased as punch to announce that at 1:47pm, Eastern Standard Time...

His Royal Highness Prince Chaos was born!

He weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce, has reddish hair... Apgar scores of 8 and 9, and is already latching on.

Mom (yes...MOM...can you believe it?) will post the birth story later, but she is over the moon and quite in love with her beautiful son. Everyone is doing just great.

Oh, and do not fear. He may be Prince Chaos, but we will teach him to be Prince Charming, and no silly symbols for names!

More later, thanks for all your love and support. I know that the Sister of my Heart and the entire family really appreciate it.

Off to the hospital !!

They are inducing me - the amniotic fluid is too low! Wish me and baby Chaos good luck, folks :)
It's time!

Miscellany

37 weeks. I am enormous.

I waddle. Slowly. And I am utterly exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get.

Work is getting very hard. Damn 10 hour shifts. I left after 8 today.

I have frequent abdominal pains which I assume are Braxton-Hicks. My stomach is so tight right now I think I'm gonna pop.

The baby is definitely lower - in my crotch-type lower. I swear I feel his hands in my cootch sometimes.

I'm still trying to bake as much as possible, for some reason. Right now all the fixins for Chocolate Truffle Cookies are on my kitchen counter - all that's lacking is energy. Ah, I can do it tomorrow. On Yom Kippur. Right.

We bought a used chest freezer off Craig's list. I am so happy.

We bought a beautiful area rug for our family room, the room with the ruined carpet. At least now we won't be ashamed to welcome folks into our home.

I bought a second-hand Snoogle pillow off Craig's list for 15 bucks and it's a great investment. Seriously. I should have bought one months ago. They're $50 new, so that held me back but $15 ... that I could swing.

I have no linea nigra. I checked. With a mirror and everything. And I still have an innie.

OB appt is on Thursday - with a non-stress test. We shall see what we see. I bet I'm dilated. I better be.

I've had two patients tell me how "cute" I look. Hmmph. I don't FEEL cute. Grrrr.

John is still working on the nursery. The baseboards are nearly done. Then the carpeting begins.

Beaver Girl's water broke today! Yay!! I can't wait to read her and little beaver's story.

I honestly don't think I'll go till my due date (31st) but who knows? We'll see.

And now you're caught up.

36 weeks and the countdown begins

I'm amazed if anyone is still reading. Sorry 'bout that. It's just hectic times here at Chez Chaos and it feels like a holding pattern - at least for me.

John is still working hard on the nursery - I think he's planning on laying carpet soon, which is good - yes, it finally arrived albeit without the ordered high-end padding, so they upgraded us to commercial padding. Seeing as they had an 8+ month pregnant woman sitting on their doorstep at 8pm, patiently awaiting her promised (and late) carpet delivery, it was the least they could do. John's been painting trim and adding his own touches to the room and it's going to be beautiful. Also, I scored bedding on Ebay that matches our wallpaper border - 40 bucks for bumpers, dust ruffle, headboard, sheet and comforter. In mint condition. Go look at the price of baby bedding if you don't understand how good that is.

This past weekend we went to childbirth classes - I was skeptical but I found them helpful and more importantly, John found them helpful, particularly in the "how to make your labouring wife feel better" department. Yes, massage is good. Massage is very good. I've already received a gratis foot rub since that day. All hail our instructor.

This is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. My best wishes for a healthy, happy, fruitful and sweet year to all my readers! Le'Shana Tova Te'chatevu! I rushed home from work last night and roasted a chicken with honey and did other good things - Jr was cute when he said "it smells like when we go to Canada in here". We usually go to Canada for celebrations, so that was nice. I played some of my favourite Israeli music and we dipped apples in honey with a blessing for a sweet New Year. It's definitely going to be a good one!

I had to renew my driver's license today - I didn't realize they'd be taking a new picture - they didn't with John!! I had no makeup on and all my baby fat. Oy. The nice part was that we didn't have to wait long - although the DMV was packed solid (no school today, what was I thinking?), the very nice man running things came up to me, eyed my belly and tsked. "You have at least a two hour wait". I cringed and asked if there was an envelope I could have to mail the thing in (which is why I went there in person, I had lost the special envelope they send you)and to which Nice Man said "come with me" and had one of the tellers do me next. I thanked him profusely - that was just plain out nice. To give you an idea, they were on number 56 and mine was 83. Yeah. There are kind people out there. Of course, he may have just been concerned about me giving birth right there and then. I am looking rather enormous these days.

Jr applied for a job at the nearby Sheetz (gas/convenience) and has to go back tomorrow for an aptitude test. YES!!! Please send good thoughts his way - and my way - because the kid really really REALLY needs a job. Or should I say *I* really need for him to have a job.

Last but not least - I had my 36 week (!!!) OB appointment today. His Highness is, in Dr Delivery's parlance "a little chubby". He's still measuring around 82-84th percentile, IOW he's about 6-7 lbs. His shoulder measurements might be a tad large, I'm not sure. Dr D is rather close-mouthed which isn't a bad thing with me because I tend to obsess and worry about every little thing - but I did find it a touch patronizing. Of course, I'm also hormonal and find the McDonald's cashier patronizing these days, so go figure.

But he was cautious about my low amniotic fluid. He wants me to start drinking 4 liters of water a day. Oy. I was, once upon a time in my second trimester when my bladder was free and easy. It's not so easy now but I'll try. He also wants me to have a non-stress test to make sure all is well with His Highness.

My blood sugars are good - he was glad to see that.

We did the Group B Strep test and my very first internal which revealed that my cervix is still closed and I am slightly effaced. I would tell you I'm going to 42 weeks only Dr Delivery told me that with my type of GD, they're not going to let me go much past my due date. Amen.

As for risk of a c-section, he was non-committal. He said "we'll see what happens" basically. Which is fine with me, but will make my mother crazy. Ah well. Yes, the same mother who basically chewed me out for using Dreft on the baby's clothes. No, I don't quite get it either.
I guess I'll be hiding the Dreft together with the pork chops when my parents come visit. It's just easier than arguing.

Things I did today

Relaxed and took it easy in the morning because of feeling poorly yesterday and leaving work early. Man, it was good to luxuriate in the "alone at home on a beautiful day" feeling. I know it won't happen again for a while.

Found out that Home Dep0t claims the nursery carpet will be in tomorrow. Right. The doors we ordered won't be in till mid-October. Supposedly.

Ordered my Land's End diaper bag.

Mailed shower thank-you notes.

Picked up Dreft, another cute outfit for His Highness, a bunch of stuff for the hospital (moisturizer, lip balm, pjs, etc) and some printer cartridges, one of which is defective. *sigh*.

Packed my hospital bag. (!!!)

Got the infant car seat installed. (!!!!)

Picked up my SIL's bassinet and a pile of baby clothes.

Started washing all baby clothes for under 9 months of age and towels, washclothes and receiving blankets. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Folded said baby clothes etc neatly and have packed them away from marauding cats.

Came to the realization that there will be a baby living here very very soon.

Might I possibly be nesting?

It's all in the numbers

I'm feeling good, really. Other than tired, which is to be expected, I assume. My bladder won't let me get away with more than 3 hours of sleep at a time for the most part. And baby boy is active and hiccoughing, which is cute but a touch annoying. Especially at three am. Currently his foot is firmly placed, heel first, against my right upper quadrant.

Have I mentioned how much I adore feeling him move? It really is the best thing.

The OB was concerned about my headaches, but I think they are coming from my neck - no surprise there, really. He decided that he wants me to come in this coming week, which basically means that from here on in, I'm being seen every week. He also insisted on another growth u/s which rocks, especially as it's my primary OB who will be doing it - that's the following week at 36 weeks - and probably will be my first internal exam. Nerve-wracking but exciting, nonetheless. I'm going to start having to deal with terms like "dilated" and "effaced". Ack.

My bloodwork came back well - while my platelets are still low - 116 - that's still up from last week's 105 and my liver enzymes seem to have decided that normalcy is a better way to go. I concur.

I'm having a tougher time with my sugars though, and remain a tad baffled at how eating a half english muffin with canadian bacon and cheddar cheese with a juicy peach will not spike my sugars at all (86), but give me some form of dinner with 1/2 cup of (light)ice cream and see me go through the roof to 150-160. I won't mention McDonald's french fries - nor the Royal avec fromage. Nor the Cold Stone Creamery visit this afternoon. Hey, I had a salad for lunch ... I *should* be able to have some ice cream now and then. I left half in the freezer, I swear. I'm really hoping my sugar will be good after this.

My biggest problem (ok, debatable but still)is that I don't usually eat desert immediately after dinner but I have to check my sugar 2 hours after the start of a meal. So, if I don't eat desert (and that means fruit or other sweet stuff) pronto after mealtime, it screws my sugar monitoring up. Or, I have to wait 2 hours to have it, which when you eat dinner at 8pm, isn't conducive. Not to mention the "before bedtime snack" I'm supposed to enjoy right before shut-eye. It's frustrating.

Now seeing how I don't really spike from fruit, I've been increasing my fruit intake a little bit. Plums seem to be ok, peaches (small to medium) seem to be fine. Apple need to be small and grapes do need to be measured out. I'm good with that, I just want some fruit, damnit. Meat and cheese are getting old.

It's very hard to stay good in my pasta-loving family but I've been trying. Mostly I'm too tired from 10 hour days on my feet to cook anything other than pasta - and because I'm so brain-dead these days that I forget to take anything out of the freezer in the mornings.

I sorted all the outfits we received from various peoples and I have a large pile of sizes, ranging from 0-3, 3-6, 0-6, 6-9 and even some 6-12 months. We have onesies, pants (yes, we received pants, Stace), sleep gowns and sleepers. I have a pile of blankets, including a "swaddle me". And it's all in my living room because the nursery isn't ready yet, although John has put up some of the wallpaper border (Classic Pooh, of course) and we had to order more. Oops.
Here's the pile o clothes and blankets:










And here's some more of the stuff we got, including the lovely rocker/recliner I got for 10 bucks at a garage sale and below, the dresser/armoire I got for 20 bucks, also at a garage sale.


























Oh and Donnie asked for belly pics ... here you go, sistah. I am officially enormous.





































This will be you one day soon, Donnie. Believe me. I didn't think it would happen to me, either! Note the innie. Ahem.

Gratitude

I'm off to the OB's shortly. Not sure what to expect - I think it's too early in the game for an internal although I'd really like to know if I was dilated or effaced at all. Yes yes yes, I *am* a control freak. Please. This is not news.

I'm going to stop and have bloodwork done first. Yes, I've resisted having it done till now, I'm a good girl.

On the home front ... things are better with Jr. We finally hashed it out this weekend, and while I'm not expecting things to remain stellar for long periods of time, I did throw in a few "there is enough love in this family for four" and "we're excited about you being a big brother" and other similar comments into the mix. I do think it helped. We also took Jr shopping where my acumen served us well in terms of both fashion choices ("My best friend thinks these jeans are COOL! He wants some just like them!!") and financial choices - thank you JCPenneys for providing both sale items AND an extra 15% off for us loyal customers. I became cool (very short term, I know)for allowing TWO pairs of jeans, a shirt AND a jacket - and all name brands.

We also purchased a few baby items just in case we didn't get enough onesies, socks and outfits. HAH! We also bought an infant bath tub and some extra sheets. Just in case. Oh, and did I mention the adorable Redskins outfit we got?? John was beaming.

Let me tell you folks about the baby shower ... it's hard for me because I keep bursting into tears. The people I work with were extraordinarily generous - I mean that. So much off the baby registry that my mind is utterly blown - the Kolcraft stroller, the pack n play, baby monitor, baby swing, bouncy seat, Baby Einstein stuff, CDs, extra infant carseat base, Avent bottle set, Aquarium crib toy and tons of clothes, diapers, wipes, outfits ... and a gorgeous sweater knitted by the nurse manager. I'm missing bunches of stuff, I know. I was in tears most of the time. One of our nurses made a "diaper cake" - layers of diapers and washclothes all rolled up and tiered to look like a cake - and covered with baby novelties and little things like pacifiers and bibs ... amazing. I've tried to post a pic of everything but had to cut out some of the enormous pile to protect the innocent. You *can* see the diaper cake on top.

We are tremendously grateful - there is no way we could have ever afforded all this - my living room looks like a baby store. There is no way I could ever say thank you that would express exactly how heartfelt it is, that would cover how truly grateful we are.

John said in his usual laconic way (after he closed his mouth that had dropped open at the sight of everything)"they must like you". I guess they do. They really do.

In case you read this - thank you - with all my heart, to each and every one of you. It means more than you know, more than I will ever be able to express. We are very blessed to have you care so much about us and our baby.

It's mostly good news

A quick post as I am rather busy this morning - my work shower is today! I am truly excited.
Good news - the 24 hour urine came back negative. I called the doc's office and spoke with the RN, gave her my name and her response "oh, I know about you!!" said in a nice way but ... oy. Good thing I'm always very nice to the nurses there. Or anywhere, really.
I have the slip for bloodwork and I'll get it done this weekend or Monday - I definitely feel less pressure now that the urine came back well. And my next appointment is Tuesday, so hopefully all will remain good and happy at Chez Chaos. Well, relatively so. We're still dealing with the stepson who is being a nearly complete ass.

I'm feeling pretty good except for almost constant upset stomach and tummy issues. Other than that - nada. My baby boy is a mover and shaker ... can I tell you how much I adore feeling him move and stretch? He doesn't kick a lot, just moves around and it sends me into some weird sort of smiling place. I'll lie there at night and watch my stomach move and shake, feeling rather Ripley-ish and glad I know what's in there.

We went out and purchased carpet for the nursery (ack! nursery! Ack! I used the word!!) as the current carpet is messed up and one corner has mold on it. Yeesh. Since we purchased it AND got a home dep0t card, we now have the power to charge even more renovations and get more stuff done. Scary. We may be able to order closet and pantry doors, too. Don't want to dig that hole too deep, you know?

So, feeling better and more optimistic on this end. I'm trying to ignore the teenager for the most part - it's my feeling that he is acting out because he is feeling his world change - 12th grade, baby on the way, no more "only child" status (he isn't at the biothing, she whelped a few), no more "apple of daddy's eye" status, etc etc ... but John doesn't see it. Yet. Still it's no excuse for his lousy behaviour - and John has to start dealing with it appropriately. And now, not soon. I'm close to my breaking point and I'd really like a peaceful last month or so prior to His Highness's arrival.

Alright, time to split. The nails MUST get done, you know. Thanks for the encouragement and for coming to catch up on me.

Update on Hypochondria

I called my OB's office yesterday, wondering what in tarnation had happened to my lab results, whereupon the nurse told me they didn't have them back yet. Yours truly questioned this because 1)hell, it's a pre-eclampsia workup and 2)isn't anyone in that office keeping track of my status?

Yeah, I was kind of annoyed. Even if it comes out to be nothing - what would a woman who didn't have a clue about her health have done so far? Seriously, I wasn't - and am not - impressed. At least I know what to ask and what to expect, up to a point.

Anyway, the nurse told me she'd call for the results. 90 minutes later I hadn't heard anything so I called back and she told me she was waiting for the doc to go over the results. I've been a nurse for a while - that told me there was indeed something to "go over".

My primary OB called me back, bless his heart. I love that man - he knows his stuff and when he talks to you, you feel like you're the only patient in the world. He's the reason I'm with that practice to begin with.

So here's the conversation.

OB: Hi Kinneret ... I'm looking at your results - tell me why we did these tests?

Me: Well, the doc I saw last Tuesday said that between my (relatively) elevated BP (128/80), the proteinurea (trace), the swelling and visual disturbances that it wouldn't be a bad idea.

OB: Hmm. I probably wouldn't have run these based on your history... but we have so here's the thing - did you do a 24 hour urine?

Me: Yes, yes I did. And the doc didn't have my chart last time because they couldn't find it.

OB: I have your entire chart here (sigh of relief from me). They didn't run a total protein on the urine which makes the results pointless. (Please note my growing silent incredulity over the phone)However, your platelets are low ... and one of your liver enzymes is slightly elevated. I want to repeat the bloodwork for your next visit and we'll try and get the lab to run the protein on the urine - if not, you'll have to do a 24 hour urine again, I'm sorry.

Me: It's no trouble (hahahahahaha!! I SO want to be toting around another cooler full of pee at work!!) but what exactly are my platelets and LFTS (liver function tests)?

OB: Let me see here ... your platelets or click here (for the more medically inclined)are 105 but you've been low before. Your ALT (liver enzyme) is 42 ...normal is 0-40. Nothing I'd get excited about normally but taking everything into consideration, it's worth a repeat.

At which point I asked him "so I'm sensing there's nothing to worry about here" and to which he answered carefully "well, let's repeat these tests and see what we get - right now we don't have enough information to determine anything".

So there you have it. I called the office this morning and the lab will indeed run the urine again ... and I will do the bloodwork once they send me the form. I'm hoping it's nothing, obviously and feeling pretty comfortable with my primary OB at the helm of this.

Hypochondria being what it is, I am trying very hard to stay positive, think good thoughts and not imagine phantom pain in my right upper quadrant. I'm actually feeling good for the most part, except for intermittent bouts of feeling crappy. If you do have any experience with this, either pre-e or HELLP, please share your thoughts with me? I'd appreciate it. Thank you.