Nothing seems to sit right in my stomach and there is constant pressure around my sternum/epigastric area. I swallow Pepc|d - not huge amounts but enough and it doesn't do much. Ick. It's just a yucky feeling and I wish it would go away. It's messing with my intentions of staying relatively svelte for this pregnancy. I read my early typings from my pregnancy with Imri and I had gained 8 lbs by week 5 or so. I was nauseated constantly then and the only thing that made it better was carbs. Mostly.
That trap has been mostly avoided this pregnancy as I haven't been nauseous morning, day and night but when it hits, it's terrible. I've gained about 2 lbs by week 10 which is a great improvement but I wasn't skinny to start with. Gestational diabetes is not the way I want to go again and so far my sugars have been good (I check at work sometimes) but then they weren't terrible last time. Have I mentioned craving spicy food?
Ick.
So yeah, 10+ weeks. Nuchal is next week. My belly is definitely distended and things are fitting differently.
And I am terrified. Seriously frightened of being a mom to two children. Seriously frightened of loving one more than the other, resenting one for "intruding" or taking away time from the other, frightened of barely being able to manage my time now - what the hell will I do with two??? Not to mention the money woes which seem to be compounding ...
I had truly grown content with Imri, happy with just one and ...voila. Here we are. It will sound absolutely terrible, and go ahead and flame me but a teeny tiny itsy bitsy part of me has this horrible hope that we will find something terribly wrong at the nuchal. Does that make me a monster of some sort? It probably does.
Maybe it's hormones, maybe it is. I don't know. I can't post these thoughts on my infertility bulletin board without people thinking I'm an ungrateful wretch and perhaps I am. I've always thought I'd be a better mom to one than to two ...
We go to Canada for Passover - once again, we will announce to the family during my favourite of holidays. I am looking forward to that and seeing my father's face. Sure he knows already, but I can't wait to see the joy shining through. And that makes me smile. Even through the nausea.
I'm not the best blogger, that's for sure. In fact, I'm feeling pretty inadequate about a whole host of things. The knowledge that this is likely hormonal helps for about 5 seconds before I get bowled over with another wave of hormones. I laugh for no reason, cry for no real reason. I'm craving spicy foods - heck, I was dipping bread in the leftover Buffalo wing sauce the other day. I've started feeling nauseated to a tremendous degree over the last few days and that, coupled with the crippling fatigue has me feeling pretty useless around the home.
John has been doing extra duty with laundry and stuff - cooking has become non-existent and prepared foods have become standard (other than the kickass chili I made for Superbowl. Did I mention that?? Kickass, I tell you!.)Yuck. I just want to nap where I can and John has indulged me, to the most part. So I'm left feeling inadequate and as if I'm not pulling my fair share of the load. Which is fine, ultimately. I am pregnant, after all - and this is normal. I could deal with it but for the "dada" thing.
Everything has become "dada". Late at night when Imri wakes and I come stumbling in, I hear "dada". We go downstairs and I hear "dada". I sing songs about Imri and mommy and he looks at me impatiently and says "dada", waiting for me to sing about Imri and daddy. I feed him in his highchair and he asks "dada?", wondering where he's gone. I'm carrying him, with him snuggled into my shoulder - a sweet moment - and suddenly the word "dada" fills my ear. And so on ...
I know it's normal. I know it will pass. I'm actually delighted that he feels close to his father and that they are so bonded - and that John is wonderful with him.
But the hormones have their feelers in me and I just want to scream sometimes "Can't you ask for me???????? I birthed you, nursed you, cared for you when your father was too nervous to do much because you were so small ... I am still your primary caregiver ... can't you ask for MAMA?????"
Eventually the alien that is inside Ripley will calm down and things will improve but as for right now I'm just a emotional mess.
Imri is as cute as ever, if not more so. He still adores his fruits and vegetables almost more than anything else. I gave him some dessert (a rare occurence) of chocolate brownie the other day and he kept asking for more ... like mother, like son. He has started taking great pleasure in "hiding" from us. His language continues to explode and he is growing like a weed. We got him new shoes the other day and I doubt they will fit much longer. Most of his 18 month pjs are just fitting, not the loose-fitting big things from the beginning of the winter.
I'm not ungrateful. At all. I just wish the word "mama" would fall a little more often. And that the hormones would chill the hell out already. Yeesh.
Nuchal is March 8th. Hmmph.
I meant to update on Wednesday after my OB visit but time just seems to run away from me these days. Thanks for the emails!
All is well in alleged babyland. I saw the heartbeat ticking away ... I measured a little small but within normal limits. Again, I saw the nurse practitioner/midwife whose sono skills aren't wonderful, so I'm not too worried about it. She is very pleasant - and she listened. It was interesting - she went through my history and asked me questions that I KNOW I had eben asked last time but for some reason weren't in my chart ... I know they are there now.
Spotting continues, but it's definitely old blood. I was told to "take it easy" and rest. Needless to say, I laughed uproariously and nodded. I mean, really. I have a nearly 30 lb toddler and I'm an RN. Gimme a break. Should I mention the nausea?
I'm also scheduled to see Dr High Risk in early March for the nuchal. Assuming we get that far, that is. Early March????What am I supposed to do between now and then? Assume all is well? Arghh.
Amnio is scheduled for the week of Passover, but I will change that because I can't take all that time off - we are supposedly going to Toronto for the holiday. But the list of reasons for a visit to DHR has grown since last time. Not only am I "AMA" or "advanced maternal age" and hypothyroid, but I had an Xray in early gestation, had GD last time, had oligohydroamnios (low amniotic fluid) ... shall I go on? *sigh*. I really am trying to enjoy this but so far it ain't easy. I'm way too much of a worry-wort.
Work is being nice to me, so far. My nurse manager has been understanding and even giving me lighter assignments - I have not asked for that - and I went to our center director and asked if it was possible to do an "advance" while I was out on maternity leave, ie 50% of earnings with a committment to pay it back over so long. I told her I'm willing to sign a contract or whatever is needful. She was relieved I was planning on coming back to work ... I tell ya - I wouldn't if there was a way to stay home and earn money. Not really something that a nurse can do. But she said she'd bring it to the doctors and see what they said. I figure the worst thing they can say is "no". No harm done.
Imri is utterly delicious these days. He turned to me this morning, palms up and said "whe dada?" He had used "whe" (where) before and "dada" is an ongoing intonation, but it was the first time he had put them together as a sentence. He is into everything and his vocab is exploding. He repeats everything and delights in the look on our faces. He has "TU!!!" hands and feet ... and noses, it seems.
Four premolars are making themselves known and Imri is a facucet of drool, but a charming one. Sleep has been erratic, predictably, but last night he pretty much slept from 8:30 to 6:30 this morning, with one brief awakening. I am not foolish enough to think that tomorrow will bring us more of the same but it's a good thing even in small amounts.
We told my parents the other night. They are beyond excited and are insisting on purchasing the next crib for us. Mom laughed when I mentioned a toddler bed for Imri ... "believe me, you want him in a crib as long as possible". She's had four kids, I think she might know of what she speaks.
You know, I had plans for some serious finger food cooking for this Superbowl Sunday. I think it's on hold, however...
When I was nursing Imri late last night, I noticed the smell of old blood. As a nurse, it's one of the odours you *always* recognize, it's not something you can forget ...
Sure enough, this morning I noticed some old (brownish) blood stains on my underwear ... paid no mind to it. I got to work, went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. A fair amount of it, too - enough for me to get a pad. So I called the OB, a bit shaken. Top it off with some cramping and I was fit to be tied.
The OB's office told me to come in this morning - I called John and he sounded so upset - it really moved me deeply that he actually sounded upset that this pg was in danger, with all the stress that this has put on us and everything. In a way, his response made me feel better.
I had to tell work about the pregnancy, of course. I really didn't want to but I didn't see any choice, seeing how I had to leave ... ah well. Everyone was extrememly supportive, which was nice, including my nurse manager - who looked as shocked as we did when we found out about this pregnancy.
I steeled myself for the inevitable, no heartbeat or the like, I really did. But ... the bean had other ideas! There it was, heartbeat ticking away - maybe 160-170s and measuring around 6w5d ... with the nurse practitioner's admission that she isn't a great sonographer, so that measurement could be off a bit too (I'm 7w1d today) ... and by this point, the blood was more burgundy than red.
I may have a subchorionic hematoma and they definitely want to see me for my scheduled appt on Wednesday, so we may have more answers at that stage. I am to rest and take it easy all weekend and I'm not allowed to lift Imri (yikes).
But .... WHEW!!!!!! My little bean is still there and ticking away madly. Houston, we have a heartbeat! John sounded pleased that all was well and that lifted my heart too.
Jr is here this weekend too, so I am going to lay low and keep my stress down. Hah.
I will keep the Internets posted with whatever happens this Wednesday but so far so good.
As for the Superbowl munchies? Let them eat cake ... now off to bed with me.
