Moving on towards summer

Yes, I've been negligent and haven't written here in a while. I'm a bad blogger. Does this mean I get a spanking?? Oops. Wait. Sorry. Wrong blog.

Anyway, life has continued on its frantic and slightly harried pace - the fantastic CAT scan results were followed by a visit to the ENT (ear, nose and throat doctor)the very next day. You see, Imri has just had too many ear infections; he has basically had non-stop ear infections since he turned 3-4 months old, accompanied with a dizzying array of ever-increasing in strength antibiotics. More importantly, we had seen a decrease in his babbling and his hearing seemed to be affected. So, I went to the DC Urban Moms archives (I post on that wonderful list) and found some name recommendations, called one and booked an appointment, a week or so before the whole CAT scan mess started.

Dr ENT is an older man who is also hard of hearing and has been since childhood - while he doesn't specialize in children, he does an inordinate amount of children's care and even has an absolutely gorgeous fish tank in his office, telling the tale of how the nurse at hisENT's office would let him feed the fish there, if he would be good and let the doctor examine him. I thought it was sweet ... and he has a dedicated area for children which some children's doctors don't have. All in all, it was win-win. He was quite old school in some ways, even courtly as he listened to the ongoing tale of Imri's ear infections. He examined Imri and pronounced quickly that he had a lot of fluid and needed tubes, explaining a few other small things. He said "asap" when he heard of the decrease in Imri's articulation.

So, the following Friday found us at the Children's Hospital satellite office in R0ckville at 07:00. Because Imri was the youngest patient of the day, he got to go first - and everyone involved in his care was excellent. The anaesthesiologist was a lovely warm man, who let me come into the OR and hold my son as he drifted off to sleep. No IVs, just a mask - none of the stress and anguish of a nasogastric tube or any discomfort to my sweet boy, other than the indignity of having a small mask on his face.

Not 15 minutes later, Dr ENT came out and told us that Imri was fine and that he had a great deal of thick fluid behind the ear, causing him basically to walk around with that "being in an airplane" sensation, as described by the good doctor. He invited us to go back to the PACU (post anaesthesia care unit) where a very nice nurse was caring for my sleeping boy. She was excellent - really the kind of nurse you hope would be caring for small children; thorough, sweet and painstaking in going over the post-care instructions with dazed parents. Yeah, I'm an RN but not when it comes to my boy. Besides, I don't tell people usually - John told her. Oy. Nurse Nice genuinely seemed to like children - it's nice to see. The nurse who cared for him while he had his CAT scan seemed to be filling in time.

An hour later we were on our way home with a sleepy boy. He had woken up crying, mostly from hunger as he hadn't eaten since 3:30 in the morning and my nurse-all-night boy wasn't happy at having the boob taken away. And yes, he's back in our bed. He starts in his but moves to ours ... we just can't seem to let him cry it out - he starts to hyperventilate and choke - so he snuggles with me and my sore nips.
But I digress. After waking, he went immediately to nurse and was easily consoled. Not long after, he was jumping in my lap and wanting to play ...

He gets eardrops twice a day and antibiotic for a while longer and we have to put earplugs in his ears for any exposure to water - his first permitted post-surgery bath is scheduled for tonight and I know that the ear plugs are going to be a huge hit ... uh-huh.

But the best part of this is that my son has started to talk. Almost immediately, that afternoon we heard his voice start to babble - and he hasn't stopped. Babbling, shrieking, yelling ... and listening to everything we say. If for no other reason, just hearing his voice again makes it all worthwhile.

So now we're just hoping that's the worst of his medical woes for many years to come. Sure, he needs repeat bloodwork in a month but during his H&P for the surgery, the young pedi (not one of the usual ones) couldn't feel his spleen. That has made a lot of people very happy, including Dr Wonderful who stopped by to tell us that bit of good news.





















So, it's been a good long weekend. We didn't get to half the stuff we wanted to get done around the house but it's clean and our flowers are planted and mulched. Imri has a wading pool - unused as of yet, and a swing, which he adores. He is so close to crawling - can hike himself up on all fours and rocks - and ends up moving backwards but hey, to each their own. He is drooling and chewing his fingers and everything else - we are waiting for teeth to show up some day soon.





















Jr went on his senior prom which was nice despite the enormous fubar-edness of his lack of preparation for same event and my having to put up with the presence of the biothing in my home. But all overshadowed by the sweet tones of my boy saying "bababababababababa" and "dadadadadadada" and responding appropriately to things like "are you hungry?" and "where's the cat?"

But no "mama". Yet.

A girl can always hope ...

It's good news!!!!!!!

Dr Wonderful called me at work ... there is NO tumour, mass or anything else abnormal in Imri's belly or chest - yes, his spleen is enlarged but it looked fine and yes, he is anemic - we are going to continue Iron therapy for a month, then recheck and depending on results, we may go to a pediatric hematologist - but that's a big if!!!!

I broke down and sobbed in relief at work today ... my boy is FINE!! He is healthy and wonderful and just FINE!! Damn, here come the tears again .... I rushed home and scooped him up and covered his little face with kisses. Yesterday was all sorts of hell for my sweet boy but today - it's like the sun won't stop shining. Yeah, it sounds trite and banal and I don't care - it's how I feel. I literally felt 20 lbs lighter after the call from Dr Wonderful (who, btw, called 10 minutes after getting into the office and getting the results, that wonderful woman).

Thank you, every one of you SO much for all your support through a very trying and difficult time - we really appreciate the comments and emails of support. Your words, wisdom and outright caring about a small boy whom you've never met made a very difficult time much more bearable.

Fighting the fear

I don't remember exactly when, but at some point in my life I learned the difference between living in joy and living in fear. It started a serious epiphany of understanding my own motivations and what drives me to this day. It's my belief that a lot of it is hard-wired into us - it is who we are and although there are some aspects of nurture, community, and socialization intertwined, it's hard to escape our genetics.

For the most part, I do believe that most people live in fear; fear of what we have, fear of what we don't have, fear of others, fear of the unknown, fear of what we haven't done yet, fear of not measuring up. For example, the last presidential election preyed on those fears, those small gremlins that live inside us and only come out to whisper quiet nasties in our minds and hearts. Easy pickings, really. Coach everything in terms of a bogeyman and people tend to grasp to the easiest and nearest solution. But I digress into politics when really, I don't mean to do so today (sorry, Jen).

Those who live in joy seem to be few and far between. Those few folks who actually revel in life and all its offerings, who go unabashed into strange places, who don't worry about what others might think of them, who are unafraid to be different or to take a new path.

I don't necessarily believe that one is exclusively one without any of the other. An offering of my own fears would stop most of you from reading this blog any further. Suffice it to say that despite my pessimistic and cynical leanings, I've always been able to find joy in small things - the beauty of a flower, the "remembrance" of a long-forgotten fragrance - although larger fears have often guided my direction and I say that with a measure of sadness. Even self-awareness doesn't always prevent one from doing the wrong thing. Needless to say, I am intimately acquainted with Fear, that bastard.

But fear like this new fear ... I've never experienced anything like it. It's sheer helplessness, aided and abetted by those small gremlins who delight in whispering horrors in my ears. It's a type fear that compels a certain masochism that forces me to go0gle "splenomegaly and anemia, infant". Maybe it's a way of attempting to assert some form of control over this fear - I don't know. I just know that I keep holding my sweet son and repeating to myself "there is nothing wrong with this wonderful healthy boy".




And while fear is gripping me to a large extent, I am trying very hard to believe in this new mantra. If I repeat it enough, perhaps it will remain truth.




Happy Mother's Day to all of us; women pre, post and intra.

Update ...

We saw Dr Wonderful, the sweet non-interventionist doc whom I love.

She thinks we should go ahead with the test.

They are looking for a mass. She didn't say the chances of a mass were very small, either.

I am trying to hold it together till John comes home but it's not working and I am a wreck.

My sweet boy. Please - not to him. Do anything to me, but not to my sweet Imri, please.

Am I a nurse or a mother?

So we took Imri in on Thursday for another check-up because of his ears and enlarged spleen.

Dr MOF took a look and his ears were still infected after a week on Omnicef. So, she decided to give him shots of antibiotics instead - my poor little man. At least the nurses there are excellent. He has a series of three shots (two at a time for a total of six) and today is the last day. It's just miserable - painful - they put Lidocaine, a numbing agent into the injection because of it - and there's no guarantee that this will work. I'm at my wits end and so glad I made an appt with the ENT for Thursday. We'll see what he says. I mean, if so many antibiotics haven't worked - maybe it's viral?? I'm very concerned about Imri's speech development - while he'll only be 7 months old on Mother's Day, it's my opinion that I've seen less consonant and vowel sounds from him of late and that worries me. Did I mention that he said "mama" last week?? *beaming mother*

As for the spleen - well, it's still enlarged. And Dr MOF decided she wanted to ultrasound him. Then she changed her mind and decided she wanted to CT him so they booked us for Tuesday at Children's Hospital in DC. We need to be there by 10 am, which means leaving our house by 8 - traffic is brutal around that time of day. I called there to find out the drill after finding out Imri will have to go without anything to eat for SIX (!!!) hours because they'll have to sedate him.

And, because he needs to get both oral and IV contrast, if he won't drink the oral contrast, they need to put in a nasogastric tube (down his nose and into his stomach)and also start an IV. Knowing my boy, he won't drink the contrast. Please. He barely takes juice on a good day.

Top that off with sedation (and without an anaesthesiologist, it's RN-done conscious sedation)for a procedure that may be unnecessary and I'm left with a real dilemma - do I agree to the procedure on the off chance that they MAY find something wrong ... or do I hold off from something that seems terribly invasive to me?

He is on iron drops and supposedly the anemia is fairly mild - so why not wait the six weeks to see if his anemia vanishes? Anemia is not uncommon in breastfed babies.

I do get a chance to talk to Dr Wonderful, his primary pediatrician today but unfortunately John won't be able to come because he's .... GOLFING ... grrrrrrrrrrr. He did come to the last two appointments, though. Finally.

And while John and Imri are getting somewhat better, I am still sick as a dog. It's awful. I mean, this is the sickest I've been since Imri started daycare and it's going on two weeks now - laryngitis (complete loss of voice)which is slowly resolving and now a wonderful head cold with the type of sinus drainage that gives you a toothache. My nose has become a faucet. TMI, I know. It's not helped by Imri waking every two hours at night, either. Or by the fact that I have no sick time left at work. I finally caved and took benadryl last night.

Anyway ... thoughts and input? My RN gut is telling me "wait" on this but my mother instinct is saying "if there IS something wrong, better to catch it early". I am so verklempt.



Anyway, Happy Mother's Day to us all!

Esa einai ...

When we last checked in with our intrepid hero and his pediatrician (not Dr Wonderful, but Dr Matter-of-Fact) during his 6-month well-baby checkup, Dr MOF was concerned about a slightly enlarged spleen. I shrugged it off, as Imri has had so many ear infections and viri that I sort of did my mental "whatever". Well, not really. I just tried to tuck it somewhere in the back of my brain where it wouldn't scream at me constantly.

So yesterday when I brought him back to her, because of the Cough That Wouldn't Go Away and increasing amounts of snot, despite the antibiotics he's on, she took a moment to feel his spleen again. And it was still enlarged. And I could see the concern on Dr MOF's face. And (and I know I shouldn't start sentences with "and" but Mrs Smith, my 4th grade English teacher is not here right now)words started floating about the examining room.

"Blood disorders" ... "anemia" ... "sickle cell" ..."mononucleosis" ...and the one that had been niggling in the back of my brain ... "leukemia".

I have to tell you - I may be a hardened ICU nurse by trade and training but my world spun a fair bit there. Especially when Dr MOF ordered the bloodwork "stat" - my heart sunk.

I often write here how sweet-tempered my boy is ... and it's hard to explain to people who don't know him that he truly is but I will tell you - he didn't peep during bloodwork. Not a cry. Of course, yours truly kept him entertained during and held his little arm down (while swallowing back copious amounts of tears and smiling bravely at my oblivious boy)but he was such a good boy! Once we were done, I started sobbing and kissed the bewildered blood tech. Yeah.

I was in a dead sleep napping (my allotted nap courtesy of my dear John, who allowed himself two ...) when the phone rang. Dr MOF very kindly told us that everything looked good except for some anemia, to start him on yucky iron drops and that Imri may indeed have mono but we wouldn't know till Monday.
I said (in a very small voice) "no cancer??". She very kindly confirmed "no, no cancer. All looks good". In the grand scheme of things, I'll take mono any day out of all the options listed above.

Once I hung up, I burst into tears. John looked at me, perplexed. "Cancer?" he asked. "You said nothing about cancer." Yeah, I'm like that. I didn't see the need to worry him needlessly for a couple of weeks. As it is, we had already g0ogled "enlarged spleen, infant" till we were blue in the face.

So Imri, mommy and daddy are all fine, except for some laryngitis (mommy), smoking sinus crud (daddy) and a cold (Imri). And to make a good news day better, Imri only woke twice last night.

And while I am not even slightly a religious person, yesterday I raised my eyes to the sky beyond the mountains and gave thanks ...





Oh. And today ... another ear infection with a fever of 102.6 F. *sigh*. More antibiotics. Tubes are a-comin our way.

Much ado about sleep or the lack thereof.

We decided to start Imri sleeping in his crib. My beloved son, whom I love to snuggle with, loves to nurse all night long. And mommy doesn't sleep all night because of it, no squeezebox issues here. So the crib it is, and I am happy we made the switch for the most part.

So,we I started last week and again, for the most part it's been ok, excluding a major fight with John regarding Imri and crying at night, and how to exactly do this, because neither of us really wants to let him cry it out (CIO, for those in the know).

John and I have been dividing *coughcoughBULLSHITcoughcough* the shifts up, because my beautiful boy still wants to wake every 2-3 hours and eat. *sigh*.

This is how the nights have been going:

7:30 - nurse and to bed. Which is earlier than it had been but it seems to be when he is tiring these days.
8 or 8:30 - first wakening (sometimes, not always). More food provided by yours truly.
11:30 or so - crying and hungry. Nursed.
1:30 or 2:30 - crying and hungry. Nursed. Then bottle from dad.
4 or 4:30 - crying. Sometimes hungry, sometimes just needs paci.
5:00 - M/W/F - time to wake up and get going to daycare with mommy.

John is supposed to catch a couple of those shifts. He got the 2:00 last night. After I had already nursed Imri a bit and put him back to sleep - he awoke again and wanted more.

So, I am not sure what to do, because it seems to me that my son is (sometimes) legitimately hungry and other times he isn't. He is obviously having a tough time getting back to sleep on his own without nursing. We I have tried the 5 minute, ten minute thing and it doesn't seem to do a ton of good, not to mention that his father doesn't care for it (see:fight, major). Of course, his father isn't the one getting the brunt of the wakings.

His father is also in bed, asleep. Right now. On a Thursday morning. Because, you see ... I am sick. I am coughing up and dripping down yellow crud and have absolutely no voice. Imri has also started sneezing yellow stuff, despite being on antibiotics some 7-8 days now for another ear infection. John said (with no apparent symptoms and in an audible voice, no less) "I took some sinus stuff last night because I have what you have and it kept me up all night. I'm really tired, so I'm going to go get some rest". I just smiled. He asked me, of course, why I was smiling. Because he knows, damnit. I said "no reason" - because it just really isn't worth getting into. I mean, he wouldn't ask why I was smiling if he didn't already know.

Yeah, baby. And strangely, he didn't hear the baby crying last night, either - except for when I was already in there, nursing and one time, around 2:30. After I had already nursed Imri once and he re-awoke and wanted more.

Do I sound bitter? I am, a little. Mostly I'm bone tired. I was really hoping that having Imri sleep in his crib would finally lead to some rest for me and it's frustrating that it isn't. Maybe we're I'm doing this sleep thing wrong?

And I have to take Imri to the doctor at 1pm and also hope that my own doctor can fit me in today because I really need to be on some antibiotics. I told John that he can watch Imri when I see the doctor today.

I don't mean to be unfair to my husband. He is a good dad and a good man to be married to, it's just frustrating that (huge generalization coming, please ignore at your leisure) men just take the time for themselves and don't seem to think anything of it.

For example: John's nephew eloped and we've been invited to a party on a Saturday in early June. I mention it to my husband and he says "well, it's a busy weekend, you know. You see, it coincides with a (ick)golf tournament(on the Saturday) and the NASCAR race on the Sunday. So I'm not sure we can go".

At which point I looked at him absolutely incredulously and said: "You mean to tell me you've been planning to go to both events and leave me alone to care for the baby all weekend while you party?"

He had the grace to look shame-faced and then tried to wile his way out of it by saying that he had been debating which one he should give up .... uh-huh.

Again, my husband is a good man. He has two huge vices - golf - and that isn't a bad thing, except for that it takes an inordinate amount of time (and money, in my not so humble opinion) - and smoking. Which I won't get into again. Ok, I may but not right now.

And in fairness to him, he does "get it" sometimes, such as the time I went for the massage he got for me over the Xmas holidays and as I was leaving he said "and don't come back without some clothes, ok? I mean, jeans, khakis, some shirts ... you have nothing!" Which was nice to hear and I did, in fact, do some shopping for me, a rarity in my life. And he does put dinner on the table some days, he does do stuff around the house, he does care for Imri (mostly when I'm not there, but still), and he obviously dotes on him.

I don't mean to put him down and I hope I haven't here - I am just shaking my head and the stuff that's spewing out from said shaking is making it onto this page.
These are the major issues as I see them:

1)I am really not sure how to get Imri to sleep longer and not do CIO. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?
2)I am still not getting much sleep and it is really affecting my health and wellbeing and my husband doesn't understand this much.
3)Work is sucking in a huge way, including lots of drama and major short-staffedness, not to mention my nurse manager who is being a total bint.
4)My husband is still smoking and doesn't often "get it", despite conversations about all said issues.

On the good side there is also plenty, however. Imri has decided he likes peaches. YAY!!!!! Finally, a solid I can feed him.













He also has taken a fancy to Granny Smith apples. Yes, the boy who turned up his nose at my freshly made Gala applesauce, stared at me as I munched on an apple and when I gave it to him, went completely bonkers over it. It was very funny.

Imri looked up at me the other day and said very distinctly "mama". I did a double take, looked at him and started to bawl. I am not sure he knows what it means but ... he knows it brings great excitement and tears! I can almost hear him thinking "what's with the food provider?? Nice lady, but kinda strange ... maybe I should try that mama thing again sometime. Ah, maybe not ... there's a toy!!...chomp."

He is also very close to crawling. He has the arm thing down pat but the leg thing isn't working quite yet.

Daycare continues to be a good situation for him - he is getting good care there.

And more than anything? He is just plain ol' deliciously wonderful! Such a happy child - and I am so so SO in love.


















And if you can stand one more good thing? My immigration papers are in and I have the receipts to prove it. Yay!! Now I just have to wait for them to schedule my fingerprinting session and then ... keep on waiting till they process me. Which may be a year or more. Hey, but at least I'm legal :)