32 weeks and counting ... contractions

I spent the better part of Monday afternoon/evening in L&D after spending the better part of Monday afternoon contracting while at work. And crying. Yeah, I knew that at nearly 32 weeks we are probably in the relative clear, but still ...

All is well with the baby, thank the heavens - no one is sure what happened and by the time I got to the hospital and got on the monitors, most of the contractions had stopped. The only thing I can correlate is that in the hospital, I was lying and resting, something I can't really do at work. We don't want me to go on bedrest as that will precipitate (greater) financial crisis, so ... we'll see what happens.

I can't say enough about the great nursing care I got at the hospital - it's the same hospital where Imri was born and I thought the care then was great too. It's nice to see and to be able to say.

The Braxton-Hicks I'm having are nearly constant and they are driving me up the wall. It's truly uncomfortable although much better than the real thing. It's just difficult to relax when your belly is always tight and hard. Ick.

Anyway, I have an OB appointment today, so I will be asking them a lot of questions as to what I can and can't physically do, as well as my platelet level (which as far as I know, is still hovering around 100,000), possible induction and if so, dates ... and what to do about my adorable daughter, who at last count is still breech.

Yeah.

Imri continues to thrive and grow. He really is a sweet boy and his imagination is showing beautifully ... he asked me this morning for a waffle and for me to slice it into "sailboats". Took me a moment to realize he meant for me to cut it into triangles. He is talking in full sentences and while some of it is toddlerese, most of it is completely understandable.

We are working on his penchant for hitting his mother. While I do realize (because I've read the same research you have)that this is most likely because I am the person he is connected to the most, it still annoys the heck out of me, not to mention that it hurts. And I'm hormonal enough to take it personally.
What I've done is start cheering whenever he touches "gently" or "makes shane" (Yiddish). It seems to be working right now, as he loves to hear "hurray".

He remains fascinated by all things mechanized, including Thomas the Tank Engine, tractors, trucks (particularly garbage trucks) of all kinds, cars, bicycles, motorcycles ... you get the drift. Our collection of trains, planes and automobiles continues to grow hugely.

We have started talking to him about the baby and he sort of gets that there's a baby in mommy's tummy. He insists that it will go live with Tim and Patty who live across the street - hey, maybe he gets it more than I think he does ...

That's it in a nutshell. I will try and keep the Internets posted as to further developments.


Imri, showing off his "sailboat".

Under the T for TMI

We've been sick. Well, actually, it started with Imri - we took him to the town fair last Tuesday. That night he started vomiting. And vomiting. And vomiting. It was awful, especially since he cried and cried when vomiting ... it's so hard on little ones who just don't understand. He kept crying and looking at me with that "why, mommy??" look. Needless to say by the time morning came round, we were all exhausted and I was out of clean nightgowns to wear.
The scariest part of illness is holding your baby in your arms and he just lies there, listless and lethargic. I took him to the doctor who was pretty concerned about his weight loss as he hadn't been able to hold down anything, including water - he had lost 5% of his body weight. The doctor basically said - fluids, one tsp at a time or he'll end up in the ER. Fortunately for us, Imri decided that popsicles were a good thing just at the right time.Whew.

He's just starting to get back his complete appetite now although he's been fine since Friday or so. We were concerned that he had gotten food poisoning from the fair, but it didn't act like classic food poisoning ... something that was confirmed when at work on Monday, I became quite sick. By the time I got home Monday, I felt like death warmed over and later that night I vomited too. I don't think I've thrown up in over 15 years, seriously.

So it seems to be a virus and a nasty one, too. Nothing else, just nausea and vomiting and feeling awful but at nearly 30 weeks preggers? It's not fun. I can't even imagine how awful my sweet boy must have felt.

Missing all this work has put a serious damper on our already strained finances and I'm not sure what we're going to do. We're looking at our options and may need to speak with a lawyer.It's pretty bad. I'd just rather do it now than have to deal with the phone calls when I have a newborn to care for. John doesn't seem to get this but then, he is a procrastinator.

I just hope I feel a lot better tomorrow because I have to go back in to work. No real other choices there.

In the good news department - I passed my 3 hour glucose tolerance test! Holy smokes! I never would have believed it. Platelets are holding steady around 100,000 so no worries yet. Onward and upward.



At the fair - a very happy boy.

Nearly 29 weeks gone

I failed my repeat one hour glucose tolerance test. By one point. One measly point.

More importantly, they tested my red blood count because of my feeling of exhaustion and guess what? My platelets are hovering around 95,000. Normal is usually somewhere around 200,000. So, this could explain my exhaustion ... and is probably due to the Lovenox (blood thinner) that I'm on.

Off I trotted today to have my 3 hour glucose tolerance test. As before, it was just loads of fun - fasting overnight, and 3.5 hours stuck in a cramped waiting room, with four blood draws. They also drew my platelet repeat. Thank goodness the phlebotomist was excellent.

Then I had to boogie to my perinatologist's office a mere 25 miles away - in 30 minutes. After a stop at the nearby fast food joint, I was starving! Fortunately, 270 was clear and I drove like a maniac pregnant hormonal woman the whole way there, so I got there on time and as a bonus, got my favourite sonographer too.

Baby girl is measuring on target, which is great - it means that even if I do have GD, it hasn't affected her yet. She weighs about 2lbs 13 ounces and is perfect! The sonographer measured my amniotic fluid which was 13.4, also excellent. As of my next visit at the end of July, I will start weekly biophysical exams which is like a non-stress test. The baby has to score at least 8 to pass, from what I understand.

I spoke with Dr High Risk who was pleased with the baby's progress. He is a touch concerned about the platelets but says he isn't going to worry unless they drop below 90,000 at which point I will probably go on steroids. Won't that make me a joy to be around? I've been on prednisone before and promptly became the Wicked Bitch of the East. But I'm not worrying about that, there's no point.
His biggest concern was for me because low platelets *could* mean no epidural ... but again, I'm not going to stress over it right now. So much can happen between now and then.
He also reassured me dryly that while I may have only failed my OB's GD markers by 1 point (I scored 136, cutoff was 135), I would have failed his by 6 points as his cutoff is 130. I think he was trying to make me feel better ...

Oh, and the baby, who was nicely turned head down last time, is now breech. The sonographer reassured me that there's nothing to worry about and that there's plenty of time but ... ack.

But, amidst all that ... came this ...


Isn't she beautiful?? Just for orientation sake, she is looking to your visual right, her lips and chin are middle-bottom slightly to the right.

I think she's gorgeous. And that she looks like her brother ...

A tale of idiots and incompetence ... or ... how you need to be a good self-advocate

I woke up today and knew it was going to be a long day. I had to do the repeat of my fasting 1 hour glucose tolerance test as well as other bloodwork and then I needed to get my Rhogam shot. What I didn't know was how long my day was going to be, nor how filled with unnecessary frustration and sheer incompetence.

Some background: I have a fairly rare blood type. I am O negative but I have something called a "weak D". That means that sometimes, my blood type shows up as O positive, even though I am negative. This especially happens if I've had Rhogam recently. For all intensive purposes, it doesn't affect me unless 1) I am donating blood or 2) I am preggers.

Since John carpools, I knew I'd have to take Imri to daycare which is 20 minutes away, then return to town to do my 1 hr (all while fasting), then go to my OB's to pick up my slip for the Rhogam shot (I'm Rh negative), then drive to the hospital near where I work for yet more blood work and an injection. Lovely.

(And to top it off, I'm the one that had to call the OB and ask for the Rhogam, they had completely missed it at my 27 week appointment. And they argued with me about it, too, telling me I was O positive - which as I've explained, I'm not)

So I did. I got Imri's stuff together and took him to daycare, wistfully watching him wolf down raisin bread and milk all the while, then went to the lab and drank the nasty disgusting drink and sat there for an hour, had blood work done. Then got in the car, drove to the OBs, got the paperwork. Stopped and got something to eat (finally!!!!) and drove the 35 minutes to the hospital near where I work, as my OBs office doesn't give the shots and the hometown hospital doesn't do it outpatient either.

I get there at 10:30 and they go to register me and turns out they need pre-auth. And my doc's office should have taken care of it but now we need to call them and get it all done. So I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally they take me back, register me and draw my second set of blood today. It's now 11:30. They tell me it can take an hour or two, so why don't I go get some lunch?

Great idea. I drive to the nearby Safeway, pick up Janet Evanovich's latest paperback, get a sandwich and some cherries (1.99 a lb!) and head back. It's around 12:15. I eat my sandwich, snack on cherries and enjoy my book. Time passes. I check on status and nothing happening. It's 1:30. I wait till 2:15 and go and ask again. By now I've finished the book, my sandwich and a great manyl of the cherries. I want to get my shot and go home, spend time with my sweet boy - our Wednesdays are special to me. The guy behind the desk tells me someone will be right with me.

At 2:30 a woman comes out of the bloodbank and tells me that I am O positive and that I need to talk to my doctor's office because I don't need the shot.
I look at her incredulously and explain to her that she is mistaken - I was diagnosed Rh negative back in the 90s after an ectopic pregnancy and there is no doubt about it. I also explained to her about the weak D. She says that I am showing a strong positive and I tell her that I've had Rhogam recently - once when I was in the ER with bleeding and once after amnio. She looks at me askance "you had Rhogam? It's not showing up". I pull the little cards out of my wallet and show her.
She turns and goes back into the lab.

She returns 10 minutes later and tells me to call my doctor's office as I don't need this shot, she spoke to someone I have never heard of before and that's what they told her. I patiently ask the woman which office she spoke to, as I go to the one in my hometown and I'd like to speak with the same person that the woman spoke to.

She begrudgingly gives me the number and acts as if it's a big deal and I am being a pain. She then demands the doctor's order (which is where they drew the blood, so I don't have it) and sends a flunky to run and get it.
I call the number and realize it's not my office so they don't know me, even though they have electronic charting. But I ask for the person the blood bank woman spoke to and this person, whom I've never met starts telling me with a superior tone how I don't need this shot.

I interrupt her, as it's now been over 5 hours at the hospital - I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm hormonal and I've had enough. I tell her my story and how I know what I need and would she please talk to a doctor. She puts me on hold and eventually comes back to the phone and tells me the doctor ok'd the shot. The person behind the desk (not a bloodbank person) takes the message and passes it on.

15 minutes later the same bloodbank woman comes back. This time she points to the number of my hometown office and tells me to call it as there is no need for my shot, and to speak with Sara. By now I am livid. I go over my information with her again and tell her that I'm an RN. But two doctor's orders aren't enough for her. And to top it off, she waves at everyone as her day is over, she's leaving. It's now 3pm. I've been at the hospital since 10:30.

I go over to the phone, furious. I call and get Sara, who is a nurse, I think. She starts to tell me that there's been a mistake and I don't need the Rhogam - I interrupt her point blank and tell her straight out - there is NO mistake. I AM Rh negative. This HAS happened before. They have the proof in my chart from when I had my big bleed at 11 weeks - they have a copy of the bloodwork from the hospital ... etc etc. The same things I've been telling people for hours, it seems. Everyone one else in the waiting room had now heard my entire medical history - and have come after me and left before me ...

She listens - actually listens - and says she needs to speak with my OB. Thank heaven the big man himself is there. She puts me on hold and I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait and finally Dr S himself comes on the line "what's up, K|nneret?".

I give him the short version and he asks to speak with the supervisor - of course, I'm on the outside phone, not the hospital phone so they can't transfer the call and it takes forever to get the supervisor to the phone. While I'm waiting, I hear him talking to someone else who is pointing out how I am O positive in some bloodwork ... and then I hear him say .. "but look - here she is negative!".

HALLELUYAH!! Someone in that office can READ!!!!

Then I hear a stern tone in his voice ... "who marked this chart as O positive???".

Finally, the supervisor came to the phone, spoke with my OB for a couple of minutes. Then he turned to me and softly apologized, saying that they were following protocol, that my blood type is extremely rare and that they will have my shot for me very quickly. I was so overwrought that I burst into sobs. He promises that my chart will be flagged from now on ...

I left the hospital at 3:40. Over 6 hours after I got there.

I knew I was right - I am an educated consumer AND an RN ... but no one wanted to listen. So - the moral of the story is "speak up!! No one will advocate for you but you".

Oh! And when I finally got my shot?? The nurse got blood all over my pants. Just insult to injury ...

And then I came home ... and all is better.

Literally speaking

I looked at the ticker I use on my infertility bulletin board today ... 99 days left in this pregnancy. Considering I only went to 37 weeks with Imri - I probably don't even have that long. Holy smokes. We really need to get cracking on fixing up Jr's room and turning it into Imri's room. I'm thinking a train theme. Mebbe.

Have I mentioned that Jr is currently enjoying week 3 or 4 on Parris Island, doing Marine Boot Camp? Hopefully it helps him realize his potential and increase his self esteem and self confidence. He needs those things desperately.

I remain grumpy and hormonal these days and hence I was looking forward to spending a couple of hours at a girlfriend's jewelery party this past weekend. I often have Imri with me when I go, so it was up to John to watch him this weekend when I went out.

Now understand - I rarely go anywhere myself. I don't have a lot of friends in the area, so this was a treat for me - John wanted me to take Imri "so the girls could see how big and cute he was" (right, I didn't fall for that) and I ended up putting Imri down for a nap around 12. I was looking forward to some fun girl time!

I told John "Imri may wake up crying because he didn't eat much breakfast, but that usually means that he's hungry - there are fishsticks or meatballs, he likes both. There are veggies and he always wants fruit" John nodded and off I went, cell phone at the ready, in case of emergency.


I got home around 3:30 and found John and Imri sitting on the couch, eating raisins. Everyone seemed happy - John told me how they had just come in from outdoors and were having a snack, and Imri had slept for about 2 hours. Great! Right?

Well, as we sat there, John says "Oh yeah. And he didn't wake up crying so I didn't give him anything to eat."

I did a double take. And I said .... WHAT? He repeated himself. I said ... so he hasn't had lunch? "Well, you said he'd probably wake up crying ... and he didn't. And he said he wasn't hungry (he always does)- so I figured he was fine!"

I shook my head in disbelief. John then told me that he had a loose poopy diaper too ... to which I asked ... and you're giving him RAISINS????? (this recently happened and we talked about how you shouldn't really give dried fruit to someone with diarrhea). John got peevish with me and told me that he was merely following instructions.

So I guess that based on John's logic, John himself should only eat lunch if he's crying from hunger, huh?? I mean, if he's only going to feed Imri if he's crying from hunger ... sounds right, no?

Sure enough, I sat Imri in his booster and gave him cheese, hummus and crackers which he wolfed down in record time and he had a huge dinner a couple of hours later.

And John still doesn't get it. Even last night he was claiming "I was merely doing as instructed". I said "hey ... I didn't say 'only feed him if he's crying'. I said 'he may be crying when he wakes ...'." Speak about literal interpretations!

From what I understand, this is not an unusual theme in the grand scheme of men taking care of their children and I don't get it. Especially as John raised his own son from a relatively young age ... but then, he lived with his mother and I'm sure she helped out a lot.

It's just curious to me.

Imri's been sick the last couple of days and not sleeping well at night and I am going to get my hair cut late this afternoon. A much-needed and well-deserved break - John is returning a touch early from work so I can go. And because Imri has been sick and whiny, I am looking forward to some alone time.

I'm assuming that I don't need to tell John to feed Imri dinner. Stay tuned.

You can probably hear me whining from across the Internet

I am grumpy. Not sure if it's hormones, lack of sleep or whatever, but I've been in a crappy mood for a large part of the last week. Some of it has to do with work, which has gotten even more stupid than I thought possible, some of it has to do with John, and some of it has to do with ... well ... hormones and lack of sleep.

Yeah, I'm not sleeping well, mostly because of hip pain. That and getting up with Imri every night. While there are nights that he sleeps through, they are rare. He is usually up once a night, often twice. While it doesn't take long to get him to soothe back, usually (and sometimes he'll do it on his own), I invariably find myself up at some point between 1 and 3 am. John doesn't seem to hear him. Strange, that. Last night after two awakenings between 11:30 and 12, I told him the next one was his - he was grumpy about it ...grrrrrrr. He got the 3 am one ... after I woke and told him about it.

Not that it mattered because I toss and turn throughout the night with the hip pain, so I wasn't sleeping deeply anyway. I'm tempted to take Benadryl and sleep but it usually just makes me feel drugged, not sleepy.

Oh, and I passed my gestational diabetes test! Cut off was 130 and I squeaked by at 127. Although I did have coffee that morning with a 1/2 tsp of sugar and they still marked it as "fasting". Whatever. The OB's nurse already told me that I'll be re-tested at 28 weeks. Joy.

And the swelling has started a bit - burritos are little salt bombs, it seems, so the morning apres burrito, my fingers and toes were feeling tight and my rings were stuck on. Better than it was with Imri when it started at 16 weeks. I'm at 22.5 weeks now. I better start cutting back on the salt, damn it. Did I mention my cravings for caesar salad?

I also went to the OBs last week for some pretty significant shortness of breath but all my vitals came back normal - they sent me for bloodwork which I ... oops, haven't done yet. Hard to find time, really. I had the choice on Wednesday of dropping Imri off at daycare and doing the bloodwork or spending the day with my son. Guess which I chose?

Our washing machine stopped spinning so we called Sears who told us that our 2.5 year old machine was off warranty, tough titties and that it would cost 65 bucks just for the repair person to come out, never mind look at the machine and please buy the extended year warranty for 200 dollars. Oh, and we won't be able to come out for 2 weeks. So sorry, not really, so what if you have a toddler who needs clean clothes.
When the repair person did come out, turned out that our machine needed a major rebuild to the tune of 399 dollars. Only one hundred dollars more and Sears would have had to give us a new machine.
Right.
Last time I buy a Kenmore. Seriously.

Also, let it be known to those who play golf: if you leave your pregnant spouse with your toddler and go off to play golf for 6-7 hours, please be advised that one of the first things you should do upon your return home is ask your spouse if they need a break, just in case they need to do something like change their pants after a coughing fit at the park stretched the limits of their put-upon bladder. The other option, of eating cake and watching TV while your tired, wet and pregnant spouse struggles to put a toddler to bed, just isn't wise.

I'm just saying.

I am so sorry. Honestly.

I didn't mean to panic everyone. My bad. It's just so busy around here and I've been so damned tired. I mean really. And the hip pain doesn't do wonders for my sleep either.

Let me think back ... we had a great time in Canada, except for me getting sick with John and Imri's cold - they were fine by then. So of course, I felt like crap the entire time and couldn't take anything. Joy. Didn't really go anywhere either because it was cold and I felt awful. Nonetheless, it was great to be with family ... and to tell them about Number Two. My siblings were blown away!

March and April have just been busy - so much to do around the house and so little money to do it with, not to mention that I can't do much so I watch Imri while DH whittles away at the "to do" list. Nothing seems to be easy, you know?

Amnio went well, as much as could be expected. Oh yes, and I tested positive for MTHFR ... what can I say?I'm just lucky that everything went well with Imri's pregnancy in that regard. So, I'm on Lovenox twice daily, 2000mcg of Folic Acid, 100mg of B6 and 250mcg of B12 as well as my prenate. Delightful, especially as I have to take them at night with much water, which means I invariably get up to pee ...

All the amnio results are back and everything is fine! I am so happy about that, particularly the spina bifida test, because of the MTHFR. Whew.

Imri is wonderful. Truly wonderful - he is getting so big and is really turning into a little boy now. His 18 month visit put him at 30lbs and 34 inches and he's had a growth spurt since then. He is still eating well, particularly "watermany" (watermelon), his favourite. His language skills continue to blow us away (being the doting parents that we are) and I am starting to add in Hebrew words now. He runs more than he walks and loves the outdoors. He also loves Thomas the train and is delighted with youtube as there are many many episodes online there. Particularly "big onry!! big onry!!" or "Big Strong Henry" to those who know of such things.

He is a very sweet-tempered child and I feel very lucky. I'm hoping that this new addition isn't the complete opposite of him ... yikes.

Here are some pics from this weekend of Imri and dad ... we found a toy lawn mower at a nearby flea market - Imri wouldn't let it go from the moment he laid eyes on it. At least 50 people commented on how cute he was and how he could come over and do their lawn any day ...








So that's my update. I'm now halfway there, at 20+ weeks. Or, considering my history, past the halfway mark most likely. Level II ultrasound is this week and I hope I'll be able to post some pics. I actually went out and did some baby shopping this past week.

Oh and did I forget to mention?

We're having a girl.

How much happier and luckier can one woman be?

Walking out the door ...

We are off to Canada for Passover! As my homocysteine levels are low as are my Protein S levels, I am now on Lovenox twice daily. Oh joy. We are waiting for the MTHFR results.

But we are off to Canada! See you when we get back. Happy Passover!

An update on both my kids

There is so much to say and so little time to write it down. I promised myself that instead of napping when Imri went down, I would post a quick update. Not just because of you, the Internets, but also because this has become my "baby book" of sorts, the only one I have ever started. I wish I was as organized at home as I am at work. Ah well.

Imri update first ... Imri, as has been mentioned before, is obsessed with cars, trucks, trains, anything mechanized and that goes "vroom vroom". Up until this week, he has always said "big cah!!!!" BIG BIG CAH!!!" whenever a truck went by. This week, we were outdoors (he LOVES the outdoors)and he pointed to the neighbour's truck and excitedly said "big KUK!!!! BIG KUK!!!!" Quite loudly, too. It's even more interesting when he does it on the changing table ...




It's pretty funny and I have gotten some strange looks from people, but ... hey, he's a toddler. Besides, pronunciation isn't everything.

I was on the phone the other day, and when I got off, Imri turned to me with hands up, as if shrugging and said "I don't know!! I don't know!!" He slurs it, but it's pretty clear that's what he's saying, probably repeating something I said. He also said "I see cah!" about a car he saw in a book. I'm so blown away. Sentences?? This early? Holy crap. He gets "bird" and "bread" mixed up and points to the bread and says "teet teet"!! (tweet tweet). How cute is that?

And in the "gone and I'm sad" category: No more "mama" and "dada". It's "mommy" and "daddy" now ... *sniff sniff*. He even corrected me the other day when I referred to myself as mama ..."nnnoooooooo!! mammeee!". Also gone are any clothes that are 18 months or less. Yowza. I have to go out and buy my boy a whole new wardrobe in 2T/24 months. He is such a bruiser.

Did I mention the beginning of "no","mine" and "I do"?? Ah, the joy.

Imri has also taken to lying in his crib now when he awakes from naps and talking to himself. It's pretty entertaining and a nice change from the immediate crying that used to commence on waking. *sigh*. He's getting so big, so fast.



As for #2, I saw Dr High Risk this week for yet another scan. Baby is measuring right on target. Dr HR pointed out some placenta previa that remains around the lip of the cervix and noted what at first he thought was separated membranes (bad) but then decided was a clot on the placenta (bad, but not AS bad). He sent me for a bunch of clotting factor bloodwork which isn't back yet. I'm still spotting/bleeding but nothing heavy, just enough to need a pad all the time. So, staying on light duty for now - he encouraged staying at home, but we just can't afford that - and continue to monitor.
Did I mention that Fedex, those morons, lost my nuchal translucency bloodwork?? So they poked me again while I was there. Jeez.

I see the OB this week and next week, after we get back from Canada, I go in for another scan. So far, no one has said that I can't go to Canada although J had been pressuring me to stay home. I don't want to stay home. I miss my family, I never get to see them and it's not like we're going to Guatemala ... (no offense to any Guatemalans out there)but the healthcare system in Canada is excellent and we do have insurance. Unless Dr HR says "absolutely not", I'm going. Which means I'm really hoping that the bloodwork comes back negative for clotting issues. 14 weeks and counting.

J is painting the kitchen this weekend and I am trying to take it easy and clean the house at the same time.

Wish us both luck ...

I took my son out to lunch today ...

Yes I did. We went out to get some stuff at the nearest Targez and then inspiration struck ... why not go somewhere to eat rather than the crap they have at the store restaurant??

There is a nearby diner that we go to, so off he and I went. And it was amazing. From the first moment onward, we had a blast. I ordered a Greek salad for me and chicken nuggets and fries for him ... his came with milk or chocolate milk, so I opted for the later, which he had never had. The waitress offered to empty his water-filled sippy and fill it with chocolate milk. I wish I had a camera to capture the widening of his eyes as he sucked back on that cup ... too amazing.

Everything is new, everything special when you're seventeen months old. Yes, seventeen months old. Wow.

He tried a little of everything, but his main fascination was with the Kalamata olives in my salad. I thought he was saying "owie" but no, it was his version of "olive". He blows my mind ... I think we've had olives once and he remembered. He chowed down on those olives till the waitress went and brought us a whole big container-full, some are in my fridge right now. Yes, I tipped her very nicely. Imri had her completely charmed.

Imri ate the following things for lunch: crackers, a little matza ball soup, a couple of carrots from said soup, cuccumbers from my salad, feta from my salad, some of the chicken tenders and a couple fries, and large quantities of olives. His diaper should be a treat later.

But the best part was spending time with him; talking, playing with stuff on the table (he was fascinated by the sugar package holder and filled and emptied it multiple times), laughing together, learning new words, eating different things and talking about everything ... just being with him and having fun. Yeah, I'm hormonal now and sappy always, but I had tears of joy in my eyes.

Imri, you are such a delight and a joy. Yeah, it sounds like bragging but it's not just how whip-smart you are, nor your "here I am, love me!" presentation to the world - you are just one special boy, in every way.

I love you more than I can say, and I just don't have the words to explain how wonderful you are, so I'm stopping now. You amaze me, 'nuff said.

And a small update on #2 ... I have both a decent sized fibroid and a subchorionic hematoma, both which may have caused the bleed. I am officially on light duty at work and Dr High Risk wants to see me next week again. The spotting continues, as well.

Onwards we go.

More than you asked for ...

Let me reassure my friends in the computer - the nuchal scan was great. Dr High Risk walked in, took my hand in both of his and said warmly: "It's so good to see you again!".

I'm not kidding. I love that man.

Anyway, nuchal measurement was 1.4 which he said was average and "in this case, we love average". Bloodwork was taken, everything looked great and we should have final results including odds and risks of various trisomies by the end of this week.



Which fast-forwards us to this weekend. Gorgeous weather, finally. Imri's loving it - walking and running outside, going for rides in his "car". He is talking a mile a minute and while we're not sure about the meaning of some things ie "capee" which seems to be said at any number of occasions, "ABC!" and "wise kwipies" and "big big big big BIG cah!!!!" are prevalent.




I had Imri out on our backyard swings - he was loving it, laughing out loud and enjoying the weather. John was working on the house, tearing down yet another bit of rotted wood. And I had to go pee. At least it felt that way. Hey, don't be like that - those of you who've either had children or have worked long hours in an ICU - or both - know what it's like. Before you can do anything, you feel a little trickle ... oops. Pantyliners work well. Only ... it wouldn't stop. And my bladder didn't feel that full.
I looked around, making sure no nosy neighbours were peeking and checked. Blood. Lots of it. I called out to J, panicked. He sounded annoyed. In fairness, he gets so little time to do stuff that needs to get done, and he was getting a cold AND his back wasn't good ... but I called out again and told him I was bleeding heavily. He came quickly and got Imri, we went into the house, me gushing blood as I walked. I called the OB.

30 minutes later we were in the ER - putting in an IV and drawing bloodwork. My nurse brain noted that colour of the tubes ... CBC, chem panel, clotting factors, type, cross and screen. Yeah. I think I'm forgetting one. But enough to make me realize that they were taking this seriously. I informed them of my Rh negative status and that it doesn't always show up on bloodwork - I have something called a "weak D" and my blood type can show as O positive sometimes (erroneously). And yes, I was focusing on everything but the life I was sure was draining out of me. How else do you cope with something like that??

I kept bleeding, although less so when not standing or walking. Imri was being his sunshiny toddler self and wanting to explore everything. J was cranky and not feeling well, and worried about me and not coping well with aforementioned toddler. All I could think was "damn. I wish I lived closer to my family. They'd be here in a heartbeat ..."

Speaking of which, the u/s tech came in and scanned me. At first the baby was very still and my heart dropped. The tech said "don't worry, there's the heartbeat - 164!" I burst into tears, of course. It seems that I have a fibroid which is quite large and there seems to be a pool of blood around it, as per the technician. Also, part of my placenta is low, which caused the earlier bleeding so it may have been causing this too.

But the heartbeat was there and the baby started dancing for us - J was in the waiting room with Imri, so he still hasn't seen this baby. But the tech brought me a copy of the pic afterwards as her bedside printer hadn't been working.



And then ... I had to wait for the Rhogam shot. And wait. And wait. And wait ... I spent more time waiting for that shot than actually being treated. Ah well. The staff were great. And we hit the McDonalds afterwards because I hadn't eaten all day and Imri kept saying "eat" "eat". Yeah, chicken mcnuggetz and fries. I'm going to hell, aren't I?

I've been put on bedrest for 24 hours, hence me sitting home here alone with enough time to update y'all. I see the OB this afternoon and hopefully all will be well. I'm hoping to get a note for light duty for work, as pushing 200+ lb people on stretchers isn't my idea of taking it easy.


So there you have it. I'll taking "boring remainder of pregnancy" for $400 please, Alex.

PS - thank you for the kind comments on my last post. I really appreciate your understanding and compassion.

Fears

Nothing seems to sit right in my stomach and there is constant pressure around my sternum/epigastric area. I swallow Pepc|d - not huge amounts but enough and it doesn't do much. Ick. It's just a yucky feeling and I wish it would go away. It's messing with my intentions of staying relatively svelte for this pregnancy. I read my early typings from my pregnancy with Imri and I had gained 8 lbs by week 5 or so. I was nauseated constantly then and the only thing that made it better was carbs. Mostly.





That trap has been mostly avoided this pregnancy as I haven't been nauseous morning, day and night but when it hits, it's terrible. I've gained about 2 lbs by week 10 which is a great improvement but I wasn't skinny to start with. Gestational diabetes is not the way I want to go again and so far my sugars have been good (I check at work sometimes) but then they weren't terrible last time. Have I mentioned craving spicy food?

Ick.

So yeah, 10+ weeks. Nuchal is next week. My belly is definitely distended and things are fitting differently.

And I am terrified. Seriously frightened of being a mom to two children. Seriously frightened of loving one more than the other, resenting one for "intruding" or taking away time from the other, frightened of barely being able to manage my time now - what the hell will I do with two??? Not to mention the money woes which seem to be compounding ...

I had truly grown content with Imri, happy with just one and ...voila. Here we are. It will sound absolutely terrible, and go ahead and flame me but a teeny tiny itsy bitsy part of me has this horrible hope that we will find something terribly wrong at the nuchal. Does that make me a monster of some sort? It probably does.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it is. I don't know. I can't post these thoughts on my infertility bulletin board without people thinking I'm an ungrateful wretch and perhaps I am. I've always thought I'd be a better mom to one than to two ...

We go to Canada for Passover - once again, we will announce to the family during my favourite of holidays. I am looking forward to that and seeing my father's face. Sure he knows already, but I can't wait to see the joy shining through. And that makes me smile. Even through the nausea.

Under the letter D

I'm not the best blogger, that's for sure. In fact, I'm feeling pretty inadequate about a whole host of things. The knowledge that this is likely hormonal helps for about 5 seconds before I get bowled over with another wave of hormones. I laugh for no reason, cry for no real reason. I'm craving spicy foods - heck, I was dipping bread in the leftover Buffalo wing sauce the other day. I've started feeling nauseated to a tremendous degree over the last few days and that, coupled with the crippling fatigue has me feeling pretty useless around the home.

John has been doing extra duty with laundry and stuff - cooking has become non-existent and prepared foods have become standard (other than the kickass chili I made for Superbowl. Did I mention that?? Kickass, I tell you!.)Yuck. I just want to nap where I can and John has indulged me, to the most part. So I'm left feeling inadequate and as if I'm not pulling my fair share of the load. Which is fine, ultimately. I am pregnant, after all - and this is normal. I could deal with it but for the "dada" thing.

Everything has become "dada". Late at night when Imri wakes and I come stumbling in, I hear "dada". We go downstairs and I hear "dada". I sing songs about Imri and mommy and he looks at me impatiently and says "dada", waiting for me to sing about Imri and daddy. I feed him in his highchair and he asks "dada?", wondering where he's gone. I'm carrying him, with him snuggled into my shoulder - a sweet moment - and suddenly the word "dada" fills my ear. And so on ...

I know it's normal. I know it will pass. I'm actually delighted that he feels close to his father and that they are so bonded - and that John is wonderful with him.

But the hormones have their feelers in me and I just want to scream sometimes "Can't you ask for me???????? I birthed you, nursed you, cared for you when your father was too nervous to do much because you were so small ... I am still your primary caregiver ... can't you ask for MAMA?????"

Eventually the alien that is inside Ripley will calm down and things will improve but as for right now I'm just a emotional mess.

Imri is as cute as ever, if not more so. He still adores his fruits and vegetables almost more than anything else. I gave him some dessert (a rare occurence) of chocolate brownie the other day and he kept asking for more ... like mother, like son. He has started taking great pleasure in "hiding" from us. His language continues to explode and he is growing like a weed. We got him new shoes the other day and I doubt they will fit much longer. Most of his 18 month pjs are just fitting, not the loose-fitting big things from the beginning of the winter.

I'm not ungrateful. At all. I just wish the word "mama" would fall a little more often. And that the hormones would chill the hell out already. Yeesh.

Nuchal is March 8th. Hmmph.

Sorry 'bout that

I meant to update on Wednesday after my OB visit but time just seems to run away from me these days. Thanks for the emails!

All is well in alleged babyland. I saw the heartbeat ticking away ... I measured a little small but within normal limits. Again, I saw the nurse practitioner/midwife whose sono skills aren't wonderful, so I'm not too worried about it. She is very pleasant - and she listened. It was interesting - she went through my history and asked me questions that I KNOW I had eben asked last time but for some reason weren't in my chart ... I know they are there now.

Spotting continues, but it's definitely old blood. I was told to "take it easy" and rest. Needless to say, I laughed uproariously and nodded. I mean, really. I have a nearly 30 lb toddler and I'm an RN. Gimme a break. Should I mention the nausea?

I'm also scheduled to see Dr High Risk in early March for the nuchal. Assuming we get that far, that is. Early March????What am I supposed to do between now and then? Assume all is well? Arghh.
Amnio is scheduled for the week of Passover, but I will change that because I can't take all that time off - we are supposedly going to Toronto for the holiday. But the list of reasons for a visit to DHR has grown since last time. Not only am I "AMA" or "advanced maternal age" and hypothyroid, but I had an Xray in early gestation, had GD last time, had oligohydroamnios (low amniotic fluid) ... shall I go on? *sigh*. I really am trying to enjoy this but so far it ain't easy. I'm way too much of a worry-wort.

Work is being nice to me, so far. My nurse manager has been understanding and even giving me lighter assignments - I have not asked for that - and I went to our center director and asked if it was possible to do an "advance" while I was out on maternity leave, ie 50% of earnings with a committment to pay it back over so long. I told her I'm willing to sign a contract or whatever is needful. She was relieved I was planning on coming back to work ... I tell ya - I wouldn't if there was a way to stay home and earn money. Not really something that a nurse can do. But she said she'd bring it to the doctors and see what they said. I figure the worst thing they can say is "no". No harm done.

Imri is utterly delicious these days. He turned to me this morning, palms up and said "whe dada?" He had used "whe" (where) before and "dada" is an ongoing intonation, but it was the first time he had put them together as a sentence. He is into everything and his vocab is exploding. He repeats everything and delights in the look on our faces. He has "TU!!!" hands and feet ... and noses, it seems.

Four premolars are making themselves known and Imri is a facucet of drool, but a charming one. Sleep has been erratic, predictably, but last night he pretty much slept from 8:30 to 6:30 this morning, with one brief awakening. I am not foolish enough to think that tomorrow will bring us more of the same but it's a good thing even in small amounts.

We told my parents the other night. They are beyond excited and are insisting on purchasing the next crib for us. Mom laughed when I mentioned a toddler bed for Imri ... "believe me, you want him in a crib as long as possible". She's had four kids, I think she might know of what she speaks.

No finger foods for you ...

You know, I had plans for some serious finger food cooking for this Superbowl Sunday. I think it's on hold, however...

When I was nursing Imri late last night, I noticed the smell of old blood. As a nurse, it's one of the odours you *always* recognize, it's not something you can forget ...

Sure enough, this morning I noticed some old (brownish) blood stains on my underwear ... paid no mind to it. I got to work, went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. A fair amount of it, too - enough for me to get a pad. So I called the OB, a bit shaken. Top it off with some cramping and I was fit to be tied.

The OB's office told me to come in this morning - I called John and he sounded so upset - it really moved me deeply that he actually sounded upset that this pg was in danger, with all the stress that this has put on us and everything. In a way, his response made me feel better.

I had to tell work about the pregnancy, of course. I really didn't want to but I didn't see any choice, seeing how I had to leave ... ah well. Everyone was extrememly supportive, which was nice, including my nurse manager - who looked as shocked as we did when we found out about this pregnancy.

I steeled myself for the inevitable, no heartbeat or the like, I really did. But ... the bean had other ideas! There it was, heartbeat ticking away - maybe 160-170s and measuring around 6w5d ... with the nurse practitioner's admission that she isn't a great sonographer, so that measurement could be off a bit too (I'm 7w1d today) ... and by this point, the blood was more burgundy than red.

I may have a subchorionic hematoma and they definitely want to see me for my scheduled appt on Wednesday, so we may have more answers at that stage. I am to rest and take it easy all weekend and I'm not allowed to lift Imri (yikes).

But .... WHEW!!!!!! My little bean is still there and ticking away madly. Houston, we have a heartbeat! John sounded pleased that all was well and that lifted my heart too.

Jr is here this weekend too, so I am going to lay low and keep my stress down. Hah.

I will keep the Internets posted with whatever happens this Wednesday but so far so good.

As for the Superbowl munchies? Let them eat cake ... now off to bed with me.

An infertile baby boom?

I'm actually kind of blown away. Without a lot of spare time on my hands, I don't usually get opportunities to read the blogs on my list here - but I finally got a chance to catch up today and I was pleasantly shocked and surprised to see a bunch of positive pregnancy tests in the Infertile Blogosphere!

I am SO hopeful for Thalia, Bugsy,Frances,Bugs and Olivia ! A virtual possible babyboom in our virtual midst ... if I calculate right ...

Silly me. I was going to say "we should all be due around the same time!".

Don't worry. I knocked wood. As if it would be that simple ...

It reminds me of a posting on our infertile bulletin board "my coworker isn't pregnant ... she's 'having a baby!!'. " And it's sadly true - the fertile world doesn't understand (lucky them) that "pregnant" doesn't equal "baby" for all of us. Which explains my erstwhile ambivalence to this alleged pregnancy, I suppose.

When pregnant with Imri, by this stage the morning sickness was full blast. Ick. Not to mention the sore boobs, cramping, etc. This pregnancy? No sickness, really. No sore boobs - yeah, a tad veiny but not sore unless Imri is sucking on em. I seem to still be lactating a little, which I thought would stop during pregnancy. The cramping and pangs I get tend to worry more than reassure me.

And the fact of the matter is - we are seriously screwed financially with this pregnancy - no maternity leave and boatloads of debt - we are not sure how we are going to make it through. People who say "you'll find a way" are kind and offering comfort, but unless they have a couple of spare mortgage payments to throw our way, I don't think they grasp the enormity of it all. It's pretty serious.

And termination? That's not really an option now, is it? I am fiercely pro-choice but how in the world would I ever live with myself? How could I do that and wonder if it was another child as amazing and wondrous as Imri?

J and I make decent livings - it's just old debt that has us in the hole - we *should* be able to provide easily and we can't and it's killing me.

I need to start playing the lottery. Oh yes I do. Right now it's the only way out that I see. But helpful suggestions are always welcome.

I just wish I could be more ... joyous.

Yet another update

I had an ultrasound yesterday - I saw the Nurse Practitioner, who by her own admission told me that she wasn't great with the sono machine. I had figured that by my calculation, I was 5 weeks, 6 days and we probably wouldn't see a heartbeat anyway. IF we were lucky enough to see a normally developed embryo ...

Imri was with me and was rather perplexed at the goings-on but he sat on my stomach as the NP gently inserted the wand and we saw ...

An intrauterine, well developed yolk sac and the beginnings of a fetal pole, all measuring exactly 5 weeks, 6 days old.

Imri was quite excited and kept jumping up and down on my belly, which didn't make the viewing any easier but - it looked good.

They want me back in two weeks for another sonogram - hell, I feel like I'm at my old RE's office. And I'm not complaining. I'm starting prenatal vitamins again. And blessedly, so far no serious morning sickness, just a little queasiness.

May I say yet again ... wow.

As to other things, Imri is doing well. He got out of his sleep routine recently after a couple wonderful weeks of normal sleep and we're not sure why. We're blaming teething premolars and yet another cold. A few miserable nights but we are improving slowly and last night he only woke once. Given, that was for an hour, but better that than every hour. That has happened far too often.

He also had his 15 month appointment yesterday and is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. My boy weighs a bouncing 28 lbs, 8 oz. No wonder my darned back hurts.



Imri's vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds and his favourite words are "car" and "golfball". Yes, boys and girls - he learned "golf" and "ball" and put them together. Of course, he doesn't differentiate between a golfball and any other kind of ball, or a golfball and a golfclub, for that matter. But boy, does he get excited at the sight of a golfball. I had foolishly purchased a Pooh Bear golf set some time ago ... a favourite toy now, it seems. And Daddy aids and abets this, of course.



The only thing I try and brainwashtrain him to say is "Montreal Canadiens"

Under the B for beta ...

I called the OB's office anxiously when I hadn't heard anything by three o'clock ... the very nice nurse said "Oh yes, the doctor just hasn't seen it yet but it did go up". And I asked for numbers, of course.

The first beta (14dpo or so) was 93.
The second beta (18 dpo or so) is ...

551

Yowza.

I am not naive enough to think that we are smooth-sailing from here but I'd say doubling definitely occurred. I'm waiting for a phone call from the doctor to discuss our next step. Considering that I am 41, had a tough pregnancy last time, complicated with GD and a dance on the outskirts of HELLP ... I just want to make sure we're ok.

Did I mention that the OB who did the u/s the other day was the notorious Dr Shitty?And that she was really nice? Empathetic, even? Wow. Maybe I just caught her on a bad day that once. Hey, if a subfertile, hypothyroid-and-other-autoimmune-issues-41 year old woman, with one blocked tube and who had almost NO sex for an entire month, can get pregnant without trying, anything is possible. I wouldn't be the first Jewish woman to get pregnant under seemingly miraculous circumstances ...

And now ... we wait (and an update)

Got my bloodwork results. My progesterone was 21.1, which is great. My HCG? It's 93.

With my last miscarriage, my first beta was 83. With Imri it was 264.

I just don't have a great feeling about this pregnancy. Call it a gut feeling. Top that off with the knowledge that my next beta is tomorrow but I won't get results till Tuesday - well, you may as well stick me with a fork.

And J is so stressed over finances ... *sigh*.

But I do know that there is proof that I am indeed, pregnant. I sent J to his eye doctor appointment this morning. Upon arrival, he found out that it was, in fact, scheduled for Friday. NEXT Friday. Prego brain strikes early, my friends.

So there you have it. We wait.


Update
I was reading through Imri's sleep journal and found a reference to AF coming on December 14th - so this is indeed very early on. A beta of 93 isn't terrible in that case. I couldn't get my second beta on Saturday and since I won't get results till Tuesday anyway, I'll get it done tomorrow (Monday).

Let the waiting recommence. And thank you all for your comments and supportive emails. I still don't quite believe this yet.

Where do I begin?

Imri's sleep has improved dramatically. It's like a switch got flipped about a week or so ago and he has taken to sleeping MUCH better. He still awakens 1-3 times a night but is easily settled with some water. It's all the more remarkable considering he is teething premolars and has had a miserable cold. The humidifier in his room has helped - I think the white noise also has some soothing qualities there. Changing him during the night also seems to help, or putting a overnight diaper on him. I'm just glad we stuck to our guns and didn't do CIO.

Imri's naps during the day have improved as well - from 20 minute power naps to naps lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours! Yowza. It's rather amazing. And while I am still tired, I am not exhausted constantly and my marriage has improved.

Speaking of which, the other day I noticed some spotting. That in conjunction with the pelvic pain I've been having and plain old stomach tenderness made me nod in realization ... the bitch was back. It was an assumption, as I really have stopped tracking my cycles, I put on a pad and went on my merry way. That night there wasn't much there but I dutifully put on a pad the next day as well, as the spotting continued.

Today? Nothing. Zip. Weirdness. So I posted to my fellow infertiles on our bulletin board and they immediately asked if I had POASed. Of course not, I replied! We haven't been trying. Besides, I didn't think I had any FREDs in the house. I finally did find one that had expired some six months ago and took it right into the bathroom, laughing at myself for even thinking what I was thinking. I mean - J and I haven't been very intimate at all of late - it's hard to do when you're in sleep training hell - and I couldn't even remember the date of my last period. Not to mention I wasn't using first morning urine ...

Imagine my shock and surprise as a second line appeared nearly instantly. Faint, but definitely there.



I figured it was wrong. It's out of date and heck, there's just no way. So I unhurriedly got myself and Imri together and wandered over to the Wall of Marts, where I purchased the Cle@r Blue HPTs, you know, the ones that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". When those first came out, a stab of envy went through me that I'd never get to use them - silly, but hey - such is the life of the infertile. I was still laughing at myself as I plopped them into the cart - after all, there was no way - I was being self-indulgent.

Got home, got settled, got the FRED out of the bag ... it was mid-afternoon. Off I went to the bathroom and peed dutifully, watching the little hourglass churn away.



Holy crap.

I'm pregnant.

I am going into the OB tomorrow morning as the pelvic pain is slightly worrisome and they want to make sure it's in utero. Also, it would be nice to know when I'm due, if I ever get that far. And to top it off, I had Xrays done last week - I laughed at the "tell us if you think you may be pregnant" sign. As if.

John and I are both stunned. I've given away everything "infant" that I had ... and I have no maternity leave coverage as I let that drop. Money is very very tight. I broke it to him gently, expecting him to be quite upset, but he is not. Worried, more than anything.

But I'm pregnant.

Overwhelmed, happy and terrified don't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling. I had become content with the thought of only one child, my sweet Imri. After all, how could I ask for more? Certainly, there is no better. Yes, I was content. And now the thought of two under two fills me with fear. I'm sure the happiness will follow very very soon.

Holy shit.

I'm pregnant.