Imri's sleep has improved dramatically. It's like a switch got flipped about a week or so ago and he has taken to sleeping MUCH better. He still awakens 1-3 times a night but is easily settled with some water. It's all the more remarkable considering he is teething premolars and has had a miserable cold. The humidifier in his room has helped - I think the white noise also has some soothing qualities there. Changing him during the night also seems to help, or putting a overnight diaper on him. I'm just glad we stuck to our guns and didn't do CIO.
Imri's naps during the day have improved as well - from 20 minute power naps to naps lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours! Yowza. It's rather amazing. And while I am still tired, I am not exhausted constantly and my marriage has improved.
Speaking of which, the other day I noticed some spotting. That in conjunction with the pelvic pain I've been having and plain old stomach tenderness made me nod in realization ... the bitch was back. It was an assumption, as I really have stopped tracking my cycles, I put on a pad and went on my merry way. That night there wasn't much there but I dutifully put on a pad the next day as well, as the spotting continued.
Today? Nothing. Zip. Weirdness. So I posted to my fellow infertiles on our bulletin board and they immediately asked if I had POASed. Of course not, I replied! We haven't been trying. Besides, I didn't think I had any FREDs in the house. I finally did find one that had expired some six months ago and took it right into the bathroom, laughing at myself for even thinking what I was thinking. I mean - J and I haven't been very intimate at all of late - it's hard to do when you're in sleep training hell - and I couldn't even remember the date of my last period. Not to mention I wasn't using first morning urine ...
Imagine my shock and surprise as a second line appeared nearly instantly. Faint, but definitely there.
I figured it was wrong. It's out of date and heck, there's just no way. So I unhurriedly got myself and Imri together and wandered over to the Wall of Marts, where I purchased the Cle@r Blue HPTs, you know, the ones that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". When those first came out, a stab of envy went through me that I'd never get to use them - silly, but hey - such is the life of the infertile. I was still laughing at myself as I plopped them into the cart - after all, there was no way - I was being self-indulgent.
Got home, got settled, got the FRED out of the bag ... it was mid-afternoon. Off I went to the bathroom and peed dutifully, watching the little hourglass churn away.
Holy crap.
I'm pregnant.
I am going into the OB tomorrow morning as the pelvic pain is slightly worrisome and they want to make sure it's in utero. Also, it would be nice to know when I'm due, if I ever get that far. And to top it off, I had Xrays done last week - I laughed at the "tell us if you think you may be pregnant" sign. As if.
John and I are both stunned. I've given away everything "infant" that I had ... and I have no maternity leave coverage as I let that drop. Money is very very tight. I broke it to him gently, expecting him to be quite upset, but he is not. Worried, more than anything.
But I'm pregnant.
Overwhelmed, happy and terrified don't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling. I had become content with the thought of only one child, my sweet Imri. After all, how could I ask for more? Certainly, there is no better. Yes, I was content. And now the thought of two under two fills me with fear. I'm sure the happiness will follow very very soon.
Holy shit.
I'm pregnant.
Last night Mary Poppins was on TV. We don't normally let Imri watch much TV but Mary Poppins? Please - it's a wondrous thing and he seemed to enjoy the musical cartoon parts of it. Those are the best parts, anyway. But he does seem to have taken Mary Poppins lullabye to the children to heart. You know, the one she sings when they insist they aren't going to go to sleep?
Stay awake, don't rest your head
Don't lie down upon your bed
While the moon drifts in the skies
Stay awake, don't close your eyes
Though the world is fast asleep
Though your pillow's soft and deep
You're not sleepy as you seem
Stay awake, don't nod and dream
Stay awake, don't nod and dream
We're still in the trenches regarding Imri's sleeping habits. We are not taking him out of the crib any longer, no more night time feedings, no more co-sleeping, he gets water when he cries ... it's been a few weeks now and he is still waking anywhere between 2-7 times a night. He got to a point where he'd go down around 8 and sleep till 11:30 -12ish - that has gone out the window too now, with an early waking around 9:30. It used to be 10:30, now it's 9:30. On the bright side, he *is* taking two full naps at daycare now - usually an hour each. That is new - he has never napped that way in the past but it may have something to do with the new sleeping pattern at home combined with some changes in where he sleeps at daycare.
I'm truly not sure what to do anymore. He's given us one or two nights where he has only woken once or twice and I thought I had reached Nirvana, but those are rare - and I do the majority of sleep patrol duty. It's effing hard as hell when you're working full time. It's even harder when the man you love decides to stay home the one night he did extra sleep patrol just because he can. And you come home after 10 hours on your feet and ask "what's for dinner" and nothing has been taken out, no housework has happened and your beloved spouse answers "nothing" to the question of "what did you do all day?".
I'm having trouble staying awake while driving home and that is bad, my friends.
This is my approximate schedule:
"rise" to Imri's hungry cry around 4:30-4:45. Nurse and try and put him back down for more sleep. It works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't.
shower if I can. I have taken to showering with a small boy staring at me, surrounded by books and toys in the bathroom.Dress.Change small boy and dress him.
Fix his lunch/snack if I didn't do it the night before. Make my breakfast, coffee, etc. Run everything out to the vehicle and start it up while he is in his highchair, working on a bottle/raisin bread.
Leave between 6-6:10.
Arrive at daycare around 6:30. Get him settled, etc.
Arrive at work around 7:30. Work - usually the longest and busiest room, on my feet, pushing heavy stretchers, etc etc etc whine whine moan complain till 4:30 - sometimes till 5 if we are really short staffed. Or if I have to pick up Imri, then I leave around 4.
Get in the car and battle I-270. Struggle to stay awake and drive safely amongst the many assholes that pollute that road. Get home anywhere between 45 minutes to 2 hours later (yeah, Thanksgiving was a bitch), so around 5:30 - 6.
Walk in the door to a boy's beautiful smile. John hasn't taken anything out for dinner, fed the boy nor changed a diaper. I do all of those things over the next hour or so, which brings us to 7ish. Then John and I eat. Imri usually jonzes for food from our plates. Yeah, I'd love to do a sit-down family dinner every night but I'm just thankful for getting food on my plate and sitting down in front of the TV at this point. Wolf down food so I get time to play with Imri.
8ish - Imri wants boob - but there's not much there anymore so it's upstairs for stories, bottle, boob and bed. Once he's down, I quickly get into pjs and make his lunch. To bed betweeen 8:30 and 9:30, with great hopes that usually evaporate with the first cries ... and up throughout the night - 9:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30 ...and sometimes in between.
So I'm pretty much going from 5am to 9pm. And then from 9:30pm to 4:30am.
I'm exhausted. And I really don't know what to do to change things.
But, nonetheless, I wish you all a belated Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Xmas and a very happy, joyous, and - restful - New Year.
and update you nice folks on the goings-on in our lives. It's been hard to find time with going back to work fulltime and a melange of other things - holiday stuff, some tough times between John and I, going to Canada to visit, you know - the usual crap.
The biggest news to pass on is of course, Imri-related. He is officially a toddler!! He took his first steps the day after his first birthday and about 2-3 weeks later there was no looking back. It's been wonderful, truly. His language is also flourishing now, he uses identifiable words; boo for book, ca for car, tuh for truck, baba for bottle and something only mom understands that means "raisin bread". He understands a heck of a lot more than he says and I am constantly amazed by the things he does understand. Holy crap. I've really started censoring my liberal use of the F bomb and have been on John's case to curb his Marine language but so far, not much change there!
Imri also has a whole slew of animal sounds. He babbles all the time. He has taken to shaking his head 'no' when asked if he wants something in particular to eat - and he eats well. Last pedi visit he weighed in at 26 lbs, 8 oz at 13+ months old.
He can also take a room apart faster than a platoon of Marines. Oh, and you should see him hitting golf balls with the plastic golf clubs - once he hits the ball, he drops the club and starts to clap and laugh, all pleased with himself. As he should be!
In other words - lots of work, but blissful work. He adores his books still and although he often requests us to read to him, he has also started flipping through books on his own and making "words" as if reading. It's pretty funny and amazing at the same time. His fascination with all things mechanized continues to grow; cars, trucks, buses, vacuums - he adores them all.
Right now he is working on his premolars - we thought he had an ear infection behind one of his tubes but a visit to the ENT showed otherwise - glad the pedi was wrong on that account. So the low grade fever is probably teething related - and he has a cold and congestion. Par for the course, I guess.
Do I sound as happy as I am? I hope so - it's been a tough balancing act but we're making it work. I get Wednesdays off, so we always have a day off together and that day is precious to me. I try and get us outside (he loves the outdoors) but with the cold weather, it's not always possible. And there ain't a lot to do with small kids around here (that I'm aware of, anyway) so we go shopping or to the mall, etc. I wish we were closer to DC - museums, music, that kind of stuff ... but oh well.
We are in the midst of "sleep training" here. Imri's sleep had gotten so bad, he was waking every 1.5 hours or so and I was crazy with fatigue. I called a stop to it one night when I had enough and just decided "no more picking him out of the crib". We've been working on that for a week now and things are improving slowly - it's been rough. Long time readers know that I will not do CIO, so we have stayed in the room with him when he's been upset/crying, we go in and soothe him a bit but no picking up, no more coming to bed with mommy. We offer a bottle with water, but no more boob other than when I nurse him to sleep. We actually are starting to get "some" sleep around here. And by "some", I mean that a couple of nights have had uninterrupted stretches of, oh .... 2-4 hours. Slowly, my friends. It will get better. But we're doing it our way - the way we deem best for Imri. He is not a CIO kid and we are not CIO parents.
In other news, my stepson dropped out of college as he was failing his classes. Gotta say that I saw this coming from a mile away - 12+ hours a day online and no homework getting done, no studying and tons of attitude. And yes, we made him pay back every cent of tuition as per our agreement - he wasn't happy about that. He also decided to move in with his mother on his 18th birthday, which is probably the wrong choice for him but it's his choice and that's all there is to it. Hey, there are no rules there whatsoever, no chores and no demands for him to do something - anything - and get off the couch. He also managed to nearly sever his right ring finger while making french fries at his fast food job while here and luckily, a good surgeon saved it and it has reattached well. Oy. John and I tried to make the point about finding more fulfilling and less dangerous (and better-paying) work but it fell on deaf ears. Ah well. We were all 18 once. We have truly done our best for him - hopefully he will clue in one day when he becomes human again. He claims that he will go back to school when at his mother's - but I told him to stop kidding himself and us - if he didn't do it while here, with full support and tuition paid, why would he do it there, when he will have to foot the entire bill, no support, etc? Yeah.
Anyway, it's out of our hands now and if we can just get Imri to sleep more, the stress level here will be reduced tremendously.
So there you have it. Hanukkah is around the corner and I am excited - I bought a bunch of holiday-themed books off Ebay and way too many presents for my boy. Ah well! Hopefully he will like latkes and sufganiyot as much as his mother does!
Oh yeah, speaking of that - I rejoined weight watchers. It was time. 8.6 down so far and 25 more to go. Ouch.
I'll try and stay in touch, I promise.
