Another bout of crud

A quickie here because I've been neglecting the Internets lately. Funny how that is between working part-time (30 hours a week) and taking care of my son (how sweet that sounds)the rest of the time. I'm amazed I still find time to shower. Well, I don't sometimes but that's a whole nuther posting.

Imri has another ear infection. *sigh*. Again, no signs or symptoms - the only thing that clues me in is his need to nurse all night long - and even that is a guess on my part. I'm never sure. I was wracked with mommy guilt: "how could I not know my child was sick??? I must be a bad mommy!" and while I know that's not true, part of it tweaks that place inside, like a tongue worrying a sore tooth.

I'm just glad we had the follow-up appointment with Dr Wonderful. She is delighted with him; she always comments on how alert he is and has since day one. This time she clasped her hands gleefully at the sight of him "tripoding" (for those not in the know, like myself - sitting on his tuchas and balancing himself with two arms forward)and at his babbling. Yes, my boy is forming consonants as well as vowels and he grows more delicious each day. He also has rolled over from front to back! He seems to think this is quite the game, and though he tries mightily, he can't quite roll from back to front. Almost but not quite. Imri also keeps opening and closing his hammy hands, as if realizing "hey! these things actually work!". He is reaching for all and everything and it's amazing to watch him. Oh, and his laughter ... that amazing sound. I'd do anything to hear him laugh.

However, Imri decided to projectile vomit all over the place last night - these are the times that I remain grateful that we co-sleep. While I am aware that he probably wouldn't have aspirated the vomit, it certainly helped that I was right beside him and turned him immediately onto his side, then help him aloft, stomach down, as he proceeded to spew all over my freshly laundered sheets. After I changed him and John changed the bed, I nursed him and we went back to sleep ... well, almost asleep because just as we were about to drift off, Imri felt the need to repeat the performance.
I did call the pedi then (midnight plus)and although Imri snubbed his nose at the pro-offered water and later the pedi@lyte, he did nurse slowly (with me trying to block large gulps from happening) and finally drifted back to sleep. He did, anyway. I slept poorly, waking frequently to make sure he was still 1)free of any further vomit and 2)breathing. Call me silly. Go ahead.

So, an ear infection and a tummy virus - he did have diarrhea the day before at daycare and then for me, but I foolishly thought it was gone. Today he has been better but still subdued. Still diarrhea. No vomiting but definitely not as hungry as he usually is and much fussier than normal. But every now and then, he looks up at me and smiles that gorgeous smile and all is well again. He is so very beautiful.


Especially in this onesie ...

Very little about baby

I wish I had something scintillating to say. So before the next kvetch-fest, I send you to March Madness where you too can get involved in figuring out the Conservative brackets. I'm hoping that come November the conservatives will have no brackets left. May I just note that South Dakota has BANNED abortion. Yes, that state has actually legislated against abortion except for when the life of the pregnant woman is in danger. Yet another blow against women and their right to control their bodies and fertility. Please vote wisely come November.

To add insult to injury, as with the rest of the infertile blogosphere, I am incensed by the president of Resolve's comments to Newsweek magazine - way to perpetuate stereotypes, dude. Thanks so much.

Now given, my particular problems were not caused by medical issues per se, no endo (at least not much), no PCOS (only a suspicion), just minor Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism. And even that wasn't really it - more a tubal issue, thanks to an ectopic, thanks to a mixed up relationship, thanks to being a screwed up teen-ager, thanks to a million reasons which are too complex to delve into early on a Sunday morning.

So ... yeah, I kind of fit into both categories and I was still insulted by the president of Resolve's interview and subsequent mea culpa (or lack thereof). Since when do you let the reporter dictate the kind of interview you're going to give? Don't give us a cop-out answer about how the reporter really wanted to focus on this or that aspect - tell the damned reporter "these are my conditions for doing the article" or no dice. Believe me - they want you for the story as much as they want to cover certain "aspects". Yeesh.

A lot of women in the blogosphere have written letter to Resolve - I wish I was as articulate as Brooklyn Girl
or as inspiredarticulateerrr heartfelt as Beaver Girl or any number of the women who wrote in anger, but the fact is - I am not. And while I'm name-dropping, please wish Akeeyu, Julia and Julianna good luck. Please.

So I kvetch here instead. Yes, you got one kvetch-free entry, if you're an infertile, you didn't dare hope for another. I debated taking down my Resolve link but I decided against it - after all, they do good, despite their asshole of a president. And - why exactly - and herein my bias will show - why exactly is the president a male? Not to be ignorant - heck, male infertility is a fact, but it just seems to me that men head so many organizations where women are the main participants/victims/users/insertwhateverfitshere.

That's definitely true in nursing.

I guess this would be a great jump-off into how much I have come to dislike working with women, but ... *shrug*. What else is new? Can you tell there is strife at work?

The sad part is that even if I left my job (which I do like, despite having a defensive/passive-aggressive/play favourites-type boss), I know that it will not be much different anywhere else. I have worked in many varied environments in my healthcare career; psychiatry, ICU, ambulatory care, telephone triage, regular nursing floor - and the environment rarely changes. Even if you're lucky enough to have a good nurse manager, which sadly is a rarity, the cattiness, back-stabbing and gossiping amongst the staff (and doctors, don't forget the doctors)is enough to drive you bananas. I'm not certain if it's women or nursing. Maybe it's both. And maybe that's where the president of Resolve gets it from - hell knows, he fits right in.

I love being a nurse. I love what I do, no matter where I do it and it which setting it is performed - caring for patients and doing my absolute best for them means a great deal to me. It makes a difference in people's lives, whether it's saving a life in the "every second counts" atmosphere of ICU, or helping alleviate the sometimes paralyzing fear of a patient about to undergo an endoscopy. I love it and I'm good at it. I just wish nurses ...well, I just wish we could all get along. Maybe then we could actually unite and cause something good to happen. The nursing workforce is huge, seriously. There are a few hundred thousand registered nurses across the United States - that should be some serious political power for change. Instead, we are torn apart by in-fighting and cattiness.

I suppose I'm not much better. I have not done much except kvetch about it.

Perhaps this kvetch was brought about by receiving one of the area's nursing magazines and seeing the nurse week gear they had for sale. I want none of it - and I really want to want it, baby. I do - well, other than the inane "nurses are angels" crap. I mean, really, folks. But I want to want the cute "don't mess with my mom, she's a nurse" outfit for Imri. I want to want the "RN" license plates you can get in Maryland. And I treasure the stuff my husband (and patients) have given me in the past. But something about all this nurse stuff - and not just the gear - leaves me cold.

And that makes me sadder than my meagre writing skills can describe.





I feel so much better now

A kvetch-free entry

I just re-read several of my last entries and realized something important. I've been kvetching in all of them. So I hereby promise you a kvetch-free post.

Imri has started laughing. It is the most wonderful sound I've ever heard (and yes, that includes the one and only time I ever heard in stereo, accomplished with the help of certain pharmaceuticals).

Imri stands on my lap - stands, I tell you. He stands and holds himself upright, I only contribute the balance factor. And he jumps and jumps and jumps - and he laughs, that open-mouthed, happy-eyed, wonderful laugh.

Then, I sit him on my knee and bounce him and sing "bippity boppety boo" and we bounce and he smiles. I stop bouncing ... and start again. He looks up at me and the smile grows huge. I stop once more ... and bounce once. He giggles. I bounce him again ... he starts to laugh and laugh, his glee-filled eyes bright and shining and joyous.

He is reaching for things - my hair, my nose, my mouth. Anything he can grab in his chubby little hands or cram in his own mouth. He is a mere hair's breadth away from being able to roll onto his stomach. He is so close to being able to sit up unassisted.
Ah yes, life is good. Way good.

Even if we do have another ear infection.

Run, kitty ... run!

Imri is at a really great stage right now. He's come to the realization that there are things outside himself - and that he can not only entertain himself, but interact, as well.
This is good for all involved but the cat.

Imri has fallen in love with one of our cats, Simcha. He looks for her constantly and smiles big when she comes into view. Yesterday I said "Imri, where's the cat?" and he turned his head until he saw her. I was most impressed. Imri is most impressed with her tail. Oy.














Simcha has always been the more standoffish of our two cats, but she has taken a keen interest in our little guy and has been very patient with his clutching at her fur. She actually comes and seeks him out - it's pretty cute.
On the other hand, my big cat Shimon started pulling out his fur three months after Imri was born. Depo shots have only held him for a couple of weeks and he starts again. He looks like he has a mohawk. It's very distressing and I really don't know what to do. It's a sheer stress response and I wish I had the time I used to have to cuddle him - he was always my baby - but I just don't. And I hate having to push him away when he tries to sleep up against the baby, but I do, for obvious reasons. I may have to put him on Paxil or something. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

And just so you know - Augmentin is from the devil. Imri had 8(!!!!) diarrhea-filled diapers in three hours after only 2 days on it. I called and spoke to a nurse about my concerns regarding: 1) dehydration, 2) his poor bottom which looked awful and 3)the need for some other course of action because he was obviously miserable.
The nurse argued with me. "It's not that kind of diarrhea" she said in response to concern number one. I raised my brow - which she couldn't see, of course, but if she had been able to see, she would have known that she should stop there.

Because, boys and girls ... how the hell does she know what kind of diarrhea it is? Has she seen it? And two ... diarrhea is diarrhea and Imri is only 4 1/2 months old. So there's a definite concern of dehydration, especially in one so young and with the extreme response over such a short time. I was unhappy. I reiterated to her my concerns regarding his bottom - if it looked this bad after 2 days of Augmentin and he needed to do 10 days ... well, it wasn't looking good.

She seemed most eager to get me off the phone - told me she would ask one of the doctors and someone would get back to me.

Which she did a couple of hours later only to say "we need the name of a pharmacy in case the doctor decides to put him on something else". I gave her the info and told her that they better think of another option for him as I had not (and would not) give(n) him his morning dosage of Augmentin. She exclaimed at the importance of continuing his medication, despite everything and yadda yadda yadda at which point I finally cut her off and brought out the big guns.

I told her I was a nurse.

If nothing else, it shut her up.

I will say this - for the most part, the nurses at the center are wonderful. She was just rubbing me the wrong way. Sure, I'm not the most reasonable of women sometimes, but her responses made no sense to me. So I pulled out my trump card. Sue me.

My mother will tell all and sundry that I'm a nurse - when my brother was in a car accident (nothing terribly serious), she kept telling the doctor in the ER "but my daughter is a nurse at VeryImportantHospitalinBaltimore!!!". Oy. I hate telling other medical professionals that I'm an RN. But when it comes to my son's health ... hey. I got over my hatred very quickly.

In the end, a doc called me (mine wasn't there that day) and I brought Imri in to see a different pedi - the verdict? His ears looked a lot better, no redness, swelling or pus and his eye is just fine and we decided to stop all medications and follow up next week.

So I'm thinking - maybe our sick patch is over. It would be nice! And I'm looking forward to and planning for Passover. We're driving up to Toronto ... with Imri.
He'll be six months old then. I can't even believe it.

And behind door number 3 ...

These are the highlights of this week, so far:

Imri still has gunk in his eye, even after a week of antibiotic drops. And his nose is still runny and he still has a bit of a cough. We go back to Dr Wonderful today.

Imri is pooping REGULARLY! Yay! He loves his oatmeal cereal. Still turning his nose up at fruit but tolerated ... and I mean tolerated, some sweet potatoes. He still looks at me with a "lady, what the hell are you feeding me" look when I try anything but cereal.

John went golfing on Saturday, despite the fact that he was sick with my a cold. I didn't get the promised break on Sunday. Grrrrr.

Not only did I not get a break on Sunday, I also cleaned, vacuumed and did laundry. And took care of Imri. Oh, did I mention that I went grocery shopping and showered during my one hour "break"?

If I hear "I think he pooped" rather than "I'm going to change the baby" one more time, something is gonna get broken. I'm just sayin'.

I love me some Lilypadz (now that I've figured out how to use them properly)!

Because I am a shallow and vindictive bitch, I am delighted to report that I got some money back from the Wall of Marts. Egads, I hate them.

Imri was sleeping in his carseat, placed on the cart in plain view - the cashier took my flat of water bottles and THREW it into the cart, waking him up. Threw. As in tossed it, full strength. I was incredulous. I looked at her and said "I have a sleeping baby in there!!!" .

She shrugged and kind of laughed. Oh, am I hot about that. AND she forgot to ring up my coupons and told me I'd have to go to customer service ... yeah, with a crying (thanks to her!) baby. Right. I figured I'd swallow the $1.25. All she would have had to do was say "sorry" and I would have cooled right down.

So the next day, I trotted on back to the store because I decided to return something. In the meantime, there was a coupon for $5.00 off some Swiffer thing I purchased, which was inside the package. So, I brought it in and had them discount it and my other coupons. Not that they care about five bucks, but it sure made me feel better.

I told the customer service manager the whole story and she didn't give a rat's ass about it.
Unbelievable. I hate that store.

Update

Imri has an ear infection ... in both ears. Here comes the Augmentin! Has your baby gotten thrush from Augmentin? Poor little guy - he has been such a happy boy too, hardly complaining at all.

I thought breastfeeding would keep those evil germs at bay. Oh well. Dr Wonderful did say that John's smoking could be the culprit ... Ahem. I brought that to his attention tout suite. Or, "right away" for those who are not French-enabled.

And can I just say ... I knew motherhood would be good. I had no idea it would be this good. Ear infections, poop, pinkeye and all. It really is an amazing voyage.

Full of it

What's that Carly Simon song? Co-oonnsstipaation? OK, so I'm awful, sue me.

Imri started rice cereal last week and he loves it. LOVES it. Only it doesn't love him, as it gave him some pretty robust constipation. He usually goes every 2-3 days but it had been a week - so I called the nurse line and they advised 4 oz of prune juice twice a day and a half glycerin suppository to get things going.

Imri took 2 oz of prune juice and called it an evening. He gave me the "what the hell are you feeding me, lady??" look when I attempted some Stage 1 pears (to my surprise and shock, seriously. I thought he'd love fruit!) and the same reaction to applesauce - he even spat it out. Hmmmph. So much for that idea. I'm thinking it's a texture thing.

That night, the heat of his little body woke me - 102.5. Yikes! I quickly gave him Tylenol and took off his sleeper to cool him down. Poor little guy.
By the next morning still no poop and to top it all off, he had developed a lovely case of pinkeye. He couldn't even open the left eye, it was so caked with crud. He raised his nose in disdain at the offered prune juice. Apple juice fared just as poorly. His temp was 101, he was unhappy and miserable, with a sneeze and tickling cough. I called the doc - my usual pedi was booked solid so we got him into another ped, whom in hindsight I'll call Dr Indifferent.

Off to the doctor we went. Dr Indifferent was rough with my boy - while I understand that he needs to do a physical exam to rule out a bowel obstruction or hernia, Dr Wonderful (Imri's usual pedi)is so gentle ... Dr Indifferent made Imri cry. I wasn't pleased, especially when he went digging around in his ear to make sure he didn't have an ear infection which made him scream. Rough, I'm telling you. I won't be booking with him again.
When he asked me what I did, and I told him - he became animated for the first time and kept talking about the virtues of computer charting with great passion. I tried redirecting towards my son ... *sigh*. Anyway, I finally got antibiotic drops for Imri's eye and a recommendation for "rectal stimulation" from Indifferent, despite my assurances that I had been trying that for the past several days without success. He also tut-tutted about our co-sleeping status and told me to stop the oatmeal cereal for a few days.

I ended up calling the nurse back that afternoon and explaining that my son seemed quite uncomfortable, despite the half glycerin suppository I had given him a couple of hours before, with no results(Indifferent had been ...well ... indifferent about giving him anything)and gave her the full lowdown. She exclaimed in dismay and told me that Dr Wonderful had gone for the day (sadly) but she would see if she could get another doc to give me a call.

20 minutes later the phone rang - it was Dr Wonderful. I love that woman! She listened and suggested a full glycerin suppository this time, went over the signs and symptoms of a bowel obstruction, told me to keep up the oatmeal cereal because of the fiber, to try mixing it with juice instead of EBM and to let him eat whenever he wanted - even just a snack, because she was concerned about dehydration. Professional and sympathetic to the nines - I am lucky to have her as Imri's pediatrician and I thanked her muchly.

I took my poor little guy upstairs and gave him the full suppository which he was not pleased with. He was restless and fitful and generally not himself at all, passing lots of very smelly gas and just being an unhappy boy. Who can blame him?

A couple of hours later, I went to change him - nothing yet. I took the rectal thermometer yet again and menacingly waved it in Imri's general direction and lo and behold!! Poop started spurting out all over the place!

Never have I been so happy to see poop in my life. And amazingly, Imri became his usual sun-shiny and sweet self not moments after the end of the poop session.

We are back to relative normal now ... and hoping for some smooth sailing from here on in. Oh and ... he hates oatmeal cereal with juice. Oh well.

Happy Valentine's Day

Well, as mentioned previously, I've been sick. It started last Monday with a sore throat and cold. I missed work on Wednesday and went in on Friday - it seemed to be getting better. Imri got whatever I had but just a runny nose and a little cough.
And then suddenly I got worse. A lot worse.
It hurt to swallow - everything hurt, my nose was running, I was coughing up crud, I lost my voice again. I ended up leaving work early yesterday - a week after this all started - and went to the doctor. Turns out I have a sinus infection AND bronchitis and if I had waited much longer, I probably would have developed pneumonia.

So I'm on antibiotics now (and hoping Imri doesn't get thrush) and feeling a touch better. And to top it off, my period arrived this morning.

OH ... and my wonderful husband who has been very good to me since I took a turn for the worse, ate last night at the $heetz (gas station/fast food place)because I've not been cooking and now has terrible stomach cramps and vomiting/diarrhea. Classic food poisoning.

And, Imri had his 4 month appointment today with shots(my boy is four months old!!!!!)and is a cranky-pants, on top of his cough/runny nose. He weighs 17 (!!!) pounds and is nearly 26 inches long. My doc said "you grow 'em big". Big and beautiful! He's really amazing - talking and babbling and exploring. Imri is my heart's delight in every sense. It's such a big love, you know? Even when he's a cranky-pants.

Yeah, so we're having fun at Chez Chaos. Now you understand why I call it that.

Oh, did I mention my stepson who may not graduate high school because he's not turning in his graduation project appropriately? I am SO tired of wiping a 17 year old's ass, it's not funny.

Now here's the thing ... my boss, who is sweet as honey to me one day and won't look me in the eye on the following day didn't actually want me to leave work when I was sick. Even though it wasn't a busy day, even though I came to her towards the end of the day and hoarsely asked her if it was ok if I left after my procedure room was finished (although she had nurses to replace me if she had wanted to). The first thing out of her mouth was "do you have a fever?" in a fairly hostile tone. Ummm ... I don't usually carry a thermometer to work with me, so I didn't really have an answer for her. She didn't even have the couth to say "feel better". It was "well, if you have to go" .

I mean - I was *sick*. I had no voice, I looked like crap and was coughing up a lung. Ignoring the obvious "this is not good for patients or co-workers", I don't get why she didn't offer to send me home long before that. It was glaringly obvious to everyone how sick I was, even a couple of the docs asked me why I wasn't going home. I told them "because it wasn't offered". 'Nuff said. (In my defense, I wasn't feeling that awful at 5am, you know? It just got progressively worse - by 9 am I was terrible).

This is the same boss who, when I told her the other day that I might have to leave work early because Imri wasn't feeling well at daycare and was probably getting my cold, said to me with open hostility in her voice "doesn't he have immunity to that from you breastfeeding??" The same boss who told me that I could either find alternative daycare pronto or find another job?

I'm baffled, really. She's always had favourites and I was never one but when
I was pregnant everything changed and she was super nice to me. Now I'm no longer pregnant and it's as if I've suddenly become Public Enemy number one. If I was a slacker, I'd see her point but I'm one of the hardest workers they have - I know my work ethic and have no hesitation in saying that. So what gives? It's almost like she thinks I'm lying to her. Thoughts, ideas, suggestions?



So to you all ... Happy Valentine's Day from our house to yours and may your hearts be as full as mine is (despite everything)on this day of love.

Got sleep?

This excellent post by way of the Leery Polyp says almost exactly what I was trying to get at - albeit lamely - in an entry some time ago. And I can't find it, so there. I'm gonna blame this cold. And lucky for you, because of this cold, I'm not going to pontificate about the issues she raises in her blog, but instead say: "get thee to the Leery Polyp and read, for it is good."

My poor son has my cold but it seems to be mostly upper respiratory with him - lots of snot and some coughing. No fever and he's in a pretty decent mood, overall. I wish the same could be said about his mother. But Imri has been sleeping well and other than really disliking me wiping his nose, is doing pretty well. It's hard being a baby when your mean mommy keeps wiping your sore, red nose. I sent John out for some V|cks and a cool mist humidifier yesterday - I used the later and not the former, but it definitely helped. I'm still not getting much sleep though. Hopefully this will pass quickly for him - I hate seeing him sick. Especially with boogers on his chin.





Now I am not sure about the whys and wherefores of this, and I'll tell you right now, my husband is a great guy, but what part of "wow, I would kill for 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep" doesn't John understand? It seems to me, and pardon the enormous generalization, that men are much more concrete than women. So instead of hinting,ie,: "gosh, I am so tired" or "gosh, I am so sick" or other like comments, I actually came out and said the statement above and waited. And hoped. And waited and hoped a little longer that my beloved spouse would turn to his sick wife this weekend and say "hey honey, let me take the baby for a few hours so you can rest".

Ummmm nope.

Or my comment to my dear husband "hey, you had a good nap this afternoon" and his ensuing cheery response of how great it was (which brought him close to death, but I digress) and my comment on how it would be nice if I could do that and the nodding of his head that followed ... but no action taken.

Or for example, the conversation that *just* happened after I typed the previous paragraph:
John: what happened to your voice?
me: I'm sick.
John: But it was better earlier. People get sick and then they get better, not get sick, get better and get sick.
me: (!!!!) I have no control over my laryngitis.
John: silence.
me: Maybe I need some uninterrupted sleep.
John: Art Shell is the new head coach of the Raiders!

I'm wish I was kidding.

I suppose I should say "I'm going to sleep for a few hours, please take care of the baby" - not to say that I haven't said that before and been met with "but I was going to do X to the house". Should I mention the brand new golf clubs and golf bag? And should I mention that he still hasn't given me a gift for my long-since-past 40th birthday?

Ah, I don't mean this to be "all resentment, all the time". Just venting. And sick. And since I seem to have no voice again, this is my only outlet. He's a good man, just lacking in priorities. Although he did shovel the walk already this morning ...

















At least someone is sleeping ...

In sickness and in health

What can I say? I'm sick. That's as good an excuse as any for not writing. Yeah, a nice fat cold which started in my throat and is now threatening my lungs. I wonder why I got sick ... working with sick people? Nah. Infant in daycare? Nah. Stress? hmmmm, mebbe a little.
Coughing is a joy, especially seeing as I'm co-sleeping and it wakes the bambino up. Fortunately Imri has not contracted it ...yet. Thank you, breastmilk. Today however, he has been fairly cranky and unhappy.

Now the cranky could be related to one of two things: 1)he's getting my cold or 2)he's getting some teeth. Yes, boys and girls, it looks like Imri has started the teething process. He has had copious amounts of drool lately, has taken a great liking to chomping on his hands, has a bit of a drool rash and this morning I noticed that on his bottom gum, he had two reddish-pink swollen spots where his number 2 incisorsarewill be. It seems that the number 1 incisors usually come in first - but not always - so this may just be part of the process or it may be the real mcdeal.

We shall see. He has taken to making hungry faces at me, then when I put him to the breast, crying and sometimes screaming. And then sometimes he doesn't and he eats just fine. So while thoughts of "ear infection" are dancing in my head, he isn't fitting the pattern completely. Also, no fever or ear pulling. And he's not stuffed up or acting congested, either although he is coughing more - which is more than likely directly related to the teething bit. Not to mention the very smelly gift he bestowed upon me earlier. But for the most part he has been his usual sunshiny self.

Damn - which part of all that diagnoses is nursing school and which part is my degree in Medical Googology?

The nice part of being sick - and there are those who will think that I am either masochistic in the extreme or insane - or both - is that I get to stay home with my son. I always thought I'd be a bear of little patience if I ever got sick and had to care for an infant too, but I've truly surprised myself. Motherhood is just full of nice surprises. Hey, I may be becoming a better person, despite the odds. Who would have thunk it?

Daycare is going well, so far. He still doesn't sleep or eat as much there as he does at home, which sort of messes up his schedule - but then the other night after daycare, he fell asleep in his car seat at 6pm and slept the night away. Lest you get excited, let me remind you that part and parcel of "slept the night away" is "waking every 2-3 hours to eat".
Yes, that brief period where he slept 6 hours at a stretch seems to have ended - I'm hoping only for a short while. Imri has also taken to using my boob as a pacifier at night - so my call goes out to all co-sleeping-breastfeeding-Birkenstock-wearing(ok, that last part is optional) mammas who may know what I can do to nip this behaviour in the ...er... bud. Cause I'm not getting any sleep and mama needs her sleep.

Oh yes I do. Coughing, hacking and all.

A daycare update

Imri's first couple of days at the new daycare went well all things considered. He was the first infant there in the morning - they can take 9 and there are 7 FT spots, 2 PT, he is one of the PT kiddos.

I stayed for about an hour +, fed him, "showed him around", made his crib (I wanted to), stocked "his" drawer, talked to the providers about my concerns, changed him, etc. I had typed up a whole page of "what Imri likes" stuff (yeah, I'm that kind of mom) but had forgotten it at home (!!) so I sort of went over everything.

I left him lying on his playmat, happy. I kissed him goodbye and tried not to show him my tears - ran out of there like a bat out of hell before he could see me sobbing. I called 2-3 hours later (it took ALL my reserves not to call sooner)and heard him crying pretty hard - he was hungry and they hadn't gotten to him soon enough. K, one of the senior staff and the early morning person said that other then that he had been doing very well, so I hung up slightly heavy-hearted that he sounded unhappy.

I got a call just before my lunch break from daycare ... my heart lurched when I saw the name on caller ID. I've had too many saying "come get him" and I thought the worst. But M, his primary daycare lady was just calling to say "I know you've been worried but I wanted you to know he's doing great! He even slept in his crib!" (he doesn't at home!)

I was so happy and so delighted she went out of her way to call me. That really impressed me and put my heart at ease.

Now given, he didn't have a really long nap in the afternoon the way he does with me and he didn't eat as much as usual, but that's pretty normal for first day, I think.
All in all - it was a really good first day! I am so relieved, as is John who picked him up.

And Imri slept in his crib the next morning for his mommy too - and again in the evening. I was delighted.

The second day went much as the first. This time I remembered to bring his "instruction sheet". I hope they don't think I'm out of line for typing it up, but I wanted them to get a sense of who he is, his likes and dislikes, etc. I included the following paragraph:

Please don'’t allow Imri to cry for long periods of time. It goes against my parenting philosophy and what I feel is best for my son. He is a very happy boy and usually only cries if he is hungry or being ignored. He loves to play, is very alert and curious and is happiest when someone is playing and laughing with him.

Is that obnoxious? I don't think so. Anyway ...

Imri is currently the youngest there, which is nice because he gets a bit more one-on-one. There are two senior staff and one aide for a total of 9 babies, although I don't think that they usually have all nine at once. M, the younger of the two senior staff has been very good with Imri, while K, the older one dotes on him but she's - and I don't mean this to be unkind - she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. For example, when I left him the other day I mentioned to her that he was doing his "I'm hungry" thing (he sticks his tongue out) and even though I had just fed him, he would probably need more. Well, she didn't feed him until he was all worked up so he had a crying fit - and this happened on both days. An ounce of prevention, etc etc. Nice lady but not quick on the uptake.

I guess I'll reiterate on Monday. Imri had one of his blowout poops Friday - he only poops every 2-3 days. I'm sure they appreciated that. That'll show em for not feeding him fast enough :)

He's eating pretty well for them but not sleeping the way he does for me - it's noisy and he can't snuggle up with mom. He only had a couple of very short naps yesterday and was exhausted when I got home around 6pm. John had just fed him but was doing little to get him sleepy - he had him in his lap, facing the TV. I don't know how many times I have to say "TV is not the right thing for him". But I digress.

So that's the story so far. I've kept my phone calls to two each day and John has been picking Imri up as he can get to him earlier than I can - we also found out it's very near to where he parks the car for his carpool - so it works out well that way. It also keeps me off the bad parts of I-270 (ok ok, the worsest bad parts)in the morning.

John mentioned something like "If it works out, you'll be able to go back full-time soon". Right. Not gonna happen, so sorry. Maybe if he stopped purchasing golf stuff, we'd have more cash. I'm just sayin' ...

Hell if I know

what happened. I don't know why all of the sudden the blog went to "moderated comments". Likely it's something I did, but heck if I know how or when. It's back to normal now. I was wondering why no one had anything to say about the last entry. I'm so glad to find out that you like me! You really like me!

So this is the deal: I'm exhausted. What else is new?

Work is suddenly being nice to me. You see, another full time nurse quit last Friday, leaving them high and dry. Suddenly they realize - they need me. Badly. There is a nursing shortage and their ads have brought in zilch. So my boss is working with me and indeed gave me last Friday off for the daycare search. She's also agreed to give me half of this Monday off.

I have a long memory for crap like that. I am a very hard-working (always)and loyal employee (when treated right) so I figure turnabout is fair play. Just wait till I have my green card.

As for daycare: I have called and emailed and visited and networked more daycares in the last week than a person should. I found one in particular where I loved the woman who runs it (in-home) and Imri adored her - she was so good with him. Unfortunately, she's full - she thought she might have an opening because one child might not be working out but he may have turned the corner now. Not that I'd wish misfortune on another parent, but I was really hoping that it would work out. I had such a good feeling about this place and about her. She will have an opening in November and she is keeping us in mind. November. *sigh*. But it's fairly close to my work now, who knows where I'll be in November.

I found a larger centre that seemed all right but it was very expensive. You see, most places won't do part-time infant care, so you have to pay for full-time. This centre wanted $280 dollars. A week. Heh. That's nothing. Kinder C@re wanted $335. And they weren't impressive. Not that I begrudge them money for caring for my child but still - when I compare to prices paid by friends in areas that don't get "Montgomery county tax" - well, it's very high.

So I kept looking and finally found a centre in Monrovia (does "Monrovia" sound Sherlock Holmes-ish or is it just me?) which is a tad out of the way but they want far less and it's in a more rural setting with a huge back yard. I'm still not 100% happy - when I walked in, one of the caregivers for the older kids was sitting reading a magazine rather than playing with kids, etc. Not a great sign. But she's not in the infant area and I don't think Imri will be there long enough to fall into her shrewish clutchesinto her care. The other caregivers seemed nice enough - it's country, so not terribly educated but hey, there are more important things. I guess.

I also have a big fear of him being left in a crib for hours. I will have to do some stealth visits, I think - there were a number of babies in their cribs when I arrived. I am going to be very specific with them, as they are watching my child and I am paying their wages - I spoke to the director who was a very lovely young woman and she assured me that there would be no long crib stays but I stayed up half last night worrying. At this stage I'm unsure as to whether I'm just worried or whether it's my gut.

Anyway, I'm going to continue my search for excellence (I've long since given up on perfection)in daycare. Thank you all for your support and offers of help - I wish I lived closer to any number of you. If you do know of great daycare somewhere up the I-270 corridor between Frederick and Montgomery counties, please email me? And to the anon poster who offered help with immigration stuff - could you email me too please? kinneretb@gmail.com

Yeah, gmail has awesome spam filters. I'm not afraid. And btw, if you want a gmail account, email me - I have about 85 left to give away. It puts all the other free email accounts to shame. I love me some gmail.


So there you have it. We start Wednesday. I'll keep you posted.

Oh yeah, it gets better:

I got to work on Friday and my boss told me that I either work my full shifts as scheduled or I have no job. I stared at her. And reminded her that I have only been back a week (4 scheduled days) and she basically told me "too bad".

Nursing and medicine. The caring professions. Yeah.

The moment I have residency paperwork in my hot little hands I am finding another job. Any company that has such little compassion for an obviously struggling and overwhelmed new mom can go fuck themselves. That's assuming I still work for them when that occurs.

So, I may have no job shortly as I currently have no daycare. The woman I was using looked "surprised" when I stopped in to pick up Imri's stuff on Friday. I told her that she was unkind to leave me without notice and she then said that I was welcome to use her for this next week. As if. No thanks.

Two friends; one from work and another - a sweet woman who I met via the Resolve bulletin boards -are watching Imri Monday and Wednesday respectively. I am so very very VERY thankful and grateful to them both. I just hope it goes well, because if it doesn't, I have no job.

On Friday, John will stay home with Imri and watch him. That is if I still have a job.

I called my mother yesterday in complete crying hysterics and I actually heard the words "mommy, please come" leave my lips. No joke. I haven't called her "mommy" in over 20 years. That's how stressed out I am. She would love to come but my dad isn't doing so well. I know it hurts her that she can't come - she drives me crazy but sometimes you need your mommy. Kind of like Imri does now.

My parents have offered to help a little with my visa paperwork (they are on fixed income and don't have much cash at all)and want me to hire a lawyer. I think it's a fine idea, I just need to find one. Anyone out there an immigration lawyer or know one?

I checked a daycare center out on Friday afternoon - I hate seeing kids lying in cribs with nothing to do. I don't want that for my baby, especially not for Imri who has made it clear that he needs attention. And they told me they wouldn't call me if he cried a lot - which worries me. I mean, I know he's going to cry. I just don't want him crying so hard that he works himself into a sweat. Is this unreasonable of me? I don't know anymore. I just don't want him that upset for hours on end.

So, I am going to check out a bunch more on Tuesday. One other may know if they have an opening tomorrow, I need to call. Oh, and did I mention the phone call with the daycare provider who told me in her raspy cigarette-hoarse voice that she loved babies because "they don't talk"?

Yeah.

I won't be using her.

On the good news front - Imri's jumparoo came (another Ebay conquest). He's in love.

Hey, I'll take small victories these days.

*sigh*

I called my boss and broached this with her:

Tomorrow I will drop Imri off at daycare as per usual, but will go back around 10, nurse and snuggle him for 30 minutes, then try to work for another 2 hours. She agreed to it but was hesitant "How long do you think you will keep on doing this?".

I wish I knew. That's what I told her, too. It's not as if I could even just let him cry (if I wanted to) - Daycare won't do it. She has other kids and is too busy.

My boss told me that was fine, we would try it tomorrow but she needs to re-evaluate whether she can keep me. Yeah. Nursing - the caring profession. Not that I don't understand where she's coming from nor am I ungrateful for what she's done so far, but hell, we've only been doing this for the last week. Give me a break. He's THREE MONTHS OLD, for chrissakes. Why are people so mean?

How I long for Canada - this is so damned unfair and stressful. Do I have any legal recourse if they fire me for something like this?

So, I may not only be losing my daycare but my job, too. I have never been terminated from a job in my life. And I can't get another one without a new visa but I can't get a new visa until I file my residency papers ... and on and on. And if that happens, we may lose our home, because we won't be able to pay all our bills and our mortgage too.

I am so beyond stressed that words don't even begin to describe it. No wonder my psoriasis is through the roof. Only I can't use anything on it because I'm breastfeeding.

I'd type more but I'm crying too hard. Sorry.


Yeah. I wanna hide too.


Update
Daycare called. Tomorrow will be Imri's last day there. She can't handle it - he needs me, she says. It's too painful for her and him. She won't do the two hour thing. She hopes I can be a SAHM.

I don't even know what to say.

Daycare saga - aka the neverending story

Imri was very good on the - wait for it - one hour and one half commute this morning. One and a half hours because Marylanders don't know how to drive in the rain. *sigh*. He slept most of the way, the other part he remained mesmerized by the rear window windshield wiper. Thank you, Hyund@i.
We got to daycare and got settled. I nursed him and left him at 7:50 on Daycare's knee, a happy boy.

At 9:00, the woman who had given me Daycare's name came by and told me she had seen Imri - he had been sort of crying but consolable. She had picked him up and played with him, then settled him in his bouncy seat and he seemed happy.

Around 9:30 I started to look at the clock.

At 10:30 my cellphone rang. I could hear him screaming in the background. Daycare said "He's been crying like this for 30 minutes. I tried to wait him out - he even took 2 oz of EBM but he is sweating from crying so hard. Please come."

I left after apologizing profusely to my unhappy boss. Imri was still crying when I got there, but those heaving tired cries, not the screams I had heard earlier over the phone. It took some time to get him settled - his eyes were swollen with fatigue and tears.

Daycare said he wouldn't nap. She bounced him, rocked him, held him, tried to lie down with him as she had seen me do - when she was with her own daughter, Daycare's mom did the same - no luck. She said he had been held almost non-stop since he arrived. He wouldn't nap. Only ate a little. Was inconsolable.

I settled him to eat as she spoke and he attacked my breast as a person starved. Listening to this I started to cry. I really don't know what to do anymore - my boss is unhappy, my daycare provider is unhappy, my husband is unhappy, everyone seems to think I'm a lousy mom for whatever reason and most importantly of all, my son is unhappy.

I am stuck. I would switch to a different job such as a night shift or weekends in the hospital, but I can't switch jobs (because of my visa status )until I file my residency papers which I am working on, but it will take some time. We need the money from my job to pay our bills, so SAHM is sadly not an option. I work fairly far away from where I live, which poses problems for having an in-home nanny, or for finding daycare closer to home. My husband works even farther away from home. We have no family in the area - my entire family is in Canada and John's is spread out across Maryland - and his mother, who lives close to where he works (and would love to watch Imri)is currently in hospital, having her other leg amputated because of diabetes and heart disease. She already lost the one leg a couple of years ago.

Imri is sitting beside me right now in his bouncy seat, yelling at the starfish that keeps spinning round and round. When I look at him, he looks up at me with a huge grin and laughs delightedly. We converse for a while (mostly laaa!! and hoo! and eeeeeeees and aaaaaaaaaaahhhhs)and he laughs some more, then proceeds to tell the kissing fish to get a room in an increasingly loud voice, much to my amusement.

I just wish I could make him as happy as he is right now, when he's at his daycare.

And thank you to all you nice folks that dropped in from Ask Moxie - I really do appreciate all input and advice, please keep it coming.

One step forward, 2 steps backward

Thank you all so much for delurking. If I had any money, I would donate to somewhere, but right now we're tapped. Sorry. Thanks for the shout-out though.

The weekend went well. Imri took a bottle from John while I was out grocery shopping - with protest, but he took the full 3 oz and wanted more when I got home. We entered Monday with great hope.

Hope came and left when my cell phone rang at work around 10:30 am. Imri is inconsolable, crying and screaming, won't take a bottle even a little bit. I asked her to try for 10-15 more minutes - she did and called me back. Nada. I went to pick him up and he was so upset. It took me quite a while to settle him.

3 hours at work. Hey, it's one more than two hours.

Daycare is stressed about him and his "neediness". Her 9 week old eats and goes to sleep for 2-3 hours at a stretch. Imri has never done that - ever. She said "we will reassess on Friday"

Work isn't happy either and I can't blame them.

I really don't know what to do and have asked Moxie and the Internets for advice. Anyone??

One of the women from my Resolve bulletin board told me that her mom ran a daycare and she fully expected the first couple of weeks with a new baby to be rough, especially if the baby is the more sensitive type. She said that baby would need a lot more holding and a lot more help with the bottle, etc - that is was to be expected. I thought so too, but maybe it's just too much for Daycare to handle with her own infant being so young.

Shit. I think I'll be looking for a new daycare center soon. Shit.

Wish us luck tomorrow.

Is it still "de-lurk" week in blogland?

I'd love to hear from some of you lurkers ... who are you? Where are you reading from? I know there are a fair amount of you (the stats don't lie, baby) but rarely do y'all ever comment. This is your chance to say "hi, it's me!". Go for it.

And an update ...

I took Imri into daycare on Thursday and just stayed with him there for a few hours. Daycare lady didn't really involve herself. She stayed nearby and watched, talked and cooed at him but let me play with him in her home so he could get used to everything. We then went into work and I talked to my boss who, while unhappy about the state of affairs because they do need me there, was wonderful and is working with me to make this work out. So it feels like a win-win situation (because I have to work, which sucks - I'd rather be a SAHM but I digress)which lowers my stress tremendously.

Yesterday I took him in as well, stayed for about 1.5 hours, then went into work with the hopes of staying 2 hours and helping out with lunch relief. It worked out well for all involved, Imri included. DL was going to call if he got very upset but ... he did well. He napped for her after she rocked/bounced him which was great. He only ate 2 oz but then he does snack and for the most part, he remained happy. Monday and Wednesday we will try from 8-12 but I will bring him in a bit earlier to settle him.

It's a gradual thing and it's working for his mommy, too. I may have to stick to 4-8 hour shifts at first, but we'll see. And I will give my husband kudos for saying "we will do whatever needs to be done, don't worry about it" because I really needed to hear that from him.

My mom agree with EVERYTHING I did. A sign of the coming Apocalypse, boys and girls. Prepare now and don't say you weren't warned.

Imri is 3 months old today. Oh, have I mentioned that Imri is wearing some size 6-9 month stuff????? And that he can put his feet on the bottom of the exersaucer so it's now fair game? And that he loves his "t|ny love" activity gym (and so do I)? And how vocal Imri is becoming, with very distinct cries for hunger ("ahhni" - is it just proud momma or does that sound suspiciously like "hungry", which is what I always ask him ... "are you hungry"?)and for just general pissed-offed-ness ("laaaaa")?? He is so alert and involved with the world around him, it's wonderful! And that I got a bunch of cool toys off a lady who lives nearby (she advertised on Craigslist and her son is 2-ish and it turned out as we were chatting that she suffered from infertility and had to do multiple IUIs?


I tell ya, we're everywhere. Be vewy vewy afwaid. And please delurk?

My not-so-good, bad to terrible, awful first daycare day

I was as organized as a stressed mommy at 5 am could be today - John helped me pack up the SUV with all the stuff I needed; diaper bag, diapers, misc. medications, onesies and wipes for the daycare, favourite bouncy seat and activity gym, my backpack with pump, bottles and hands-free bra, extra uniform, lunch bag, bag with bottles and frozen EBM ... IOW, everything possible.

Traffic wasn't great by the time we hit the road around 6:15 and we got to daycare around 7:15 just as Imri was getting fussy. I nursed him and held him and snuggled him and then fled before I completely broke down in front of him. I got to work around 8:00 after sobbing hysterically on the phone to John.

9:20 my cell phone rings. Daycare says Imri has been screaming inconsolably for 20-25 minutes, they have tried everything and will I please come? I tell the charge nurse and take off.

I get to the daycare - he has stopped crying but is fussy and miserable. He doesn't even smile when he sees me but clings to me. Daycare says he was fine for the first while, played in his bouncy seat, was laughing with the "big girls" (4y.o.) but then started fussing - he wouldn't eat, wouldn't play, wouldn't sleep. She rocked him, bounced him, tried everything and he continued to scream ... until she hung up the phone from talking to me. She said "It was as if he knew you were on the way". He took 1 oz of EBM, but that was it.
My poor baby's eyes were swollen with tears and fatigue. He was SO tired and SO upset. I tried nursing him down but he would hardly eat and every time I laid him in the PNP, he would wake after 2-3 minutes crying. There was no consoling him at all.

Daycare and I decided that it was best to call it quits for today - I am going to bring him by tomorrow (we are supposed to be M-W-F) for a couple of hours, at which point I have to go in and talk to work, and see if we can work something out for the next several days as we try and ease Imri into progressively longer days at daycare.

I started packing up my stuff- he started crying as soon as I handed him to Daycare. It's not her - she's lovely - he just doesn't want to be away from his mommy. As soon as I had him in the car seat, he looked up at me, closed his eyes and went to sleep.

We're home now (although we had a power outage since noon) and he's much happier - he wouldn't let me put him down at first, but now that we've had a good cuddle, nap and feed, he's a much happier boy. He's such a sunshiny kid to begin with ... for him to cry like that means he was really unhappy and I will NOT let him CIO at 12 weeks.
Some of the girls at work said "you're spoiling him" ... well, I don't agree. I don't believe that letting young babies cry and cry and cry is the right thing to do (that's how I feel, others may disagree). I know my son better than anyone does - I knew this was going to be a difficult day because I didn't - and don't - think he's ready for daycare. But we need the money from my work.

Anyway, hopefully work will be understanding and let me do some half days as we ease Imri into this new arrangement, otherwise someone else better volunteer to pay the mortgage.

I can just hear my mother tonight when she calls to see how the day went ... "well, if you had just left him outside for a while ..."

Nipple nipple, who's got the nipple?

Imri took a bottle from me and from John yesterday - I had gone out and purchased #2 @vent nipples in the hopes that it would work better than what we had ... and it did. Much rejoicing resounded throughout the land.

Today I confidently attempted a repeat. All he'll do is gum it. John is trying right now with the same results. *sigh*. I really don't know what to do. And I just bought a good-sized lot of @vent bottles and nipples off of Ebay. Ah well.

Imri's been hanging off my tits today. Seriously, the kid hasn't stopped and oh boy, are my nipples sore. I'm guessing 3 month growth spurt. Which would explain his needing to eat frequently through the night lately after a brief (and much enjoyed) jaunt of 4-5 hours of sleep at once. Oh well.

I hardly slept last night as I lay in bed, looking at my sleeping son (and husband) between 1 and 4 am. Sleep finally came around 5, when John rose but by then it was too late - time to rise and shine with early-riser boy. I'm pretty darn tired tonight, add to it that John came home late because his mom is in hospital, and Jr had been his shmucky teen self (caught him lying again) and I'm plum worn out. I'm sure the reason for my lack of sleep is my meeting Sunday with the daycare person.

Daycare (and work) start Wednesday. She and Imri got along although he was fussy with her. He's been more fussy than normal of late (definitely growth spurt stuff). I'm still (and so is she) worried about the eating thing. I don't know what to make of it at all - he took it twice in a certain kind of bottle and nipple, then no more. Then twice more with the new stuff ... and no more. Both frozen EBM and freshly expressed stuff. Maybe it's just coincidence. I'm sans answers. Maybe it's the growth spurt thing but I honestly don't know.

I don't want him to starve at daycare (thank you all for your input on this) and my kid being the stubborn boy he is (what, you think he inherited that from me??) might just go on strike. Fortunately, I work 10 minutes from the daycare, but still ...

And yes, of course in some small (or not so small) part of me, I really hope he doesn't take the bottle at all and I have to stay home with him. Absolutely I do. Don't be silly. Gods, I'm tired.

(Do you think I have enough parenthesis in this entry?)

and a Happy New Year

A small story from the other day - I ambitiously took Imri grocery shopping. Not a quick in and out, either ... but a serious order. He started fussing about 1/4 of the way through. I took him out of his carseat and held a nearly 15 lb baby in one arm, pushed the cart with the other. That was much fun and lasted until he got very hungry. He refused the bottle of cool breastmilk I foisted upon him, no matter how I tried. He got fussier and fussier, angrier and angrier and progressively more vocal about his situation.

Three quarters of the way through the Gi@nt Eagle found me in the paper goods aisle, sitting with half my butt gingerly parked on the shelving between large packages of B0unty paper towels, my shopping cart piled high with groceries and partially in front of me, obscuring the view as I breastfed my son.

The only thing that surprised me were the nice comments I got from some moms that walked by, smiled and basically said "you do what you have to do!". I was positive some mean soul was going to get nasty and do a mommy-drive-by, but I was pleasantly surprised at the support offered. And Imri was delighted at the availability of warm breast milk. There you have it.

We've been trying to get Imri used to his crib and its been hit or miss. Miss, mostly. The young man in question does NOT like being separated from his mommy. And daycare starts next week *insert howl of anguish from mommy here*.

Last night, Imri had his bath, then ate (only one side), fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. That lasted 20 minutes. So, more rocking, he ate much more, singing, etc. Another 10 minutes. Then finally he went down for about an hour. I rejoiced but still ...that brought us to 11:30pm.

Considering that the night before he had us up every 15 minutes on the hour till 1am and the couple of nights before that weren't much better, I considered myself lucky and dragged my sorry and exhausted carcass to bed, avec my son, fed him and we both crashed. I guess I'll just keep trying to push it later and later. John hasn't been helping much over the last couple of nights because of the &^#%*@ college football games. Oh and his new DVD recorder/new computer. Whatever. I'm not doing this alone.

Yeah, you may be hearing some bitter. The husbandly one and I are having some issues, especially regarding his coping mechanisms which seem to be on a short fuse usually and more so of late. Not to mention the lack of smoking cessation. And, it seems the shorter fuse = more smoking than usual. And butts left on our driveway to multiply. In general, his shorter fuse makes me unhappy - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells some days and I don't like it, neither am I impressed.
Add to his smoking, the abundant family history of diabetes and heart disease (serious heart disease), as well as his eating habits - and hey, I feel like he's throwing away our years together. And if you read this (he usually doesn't venture here) my love, that hurts me beyond my ability to tell you without causing us further grief.
The following is an open letter to the love of my life. SKIP DOWN if you don't want to read my maudlin diatribe.

You are my sweetheart, my beloved. We got a late start on this love thing, you and I, which makes the time we have together all the more precious. You are the reason for so much of the happiness in my life. I love you with all that I am, and what I'm seeing you do to yourself hurts. You are killing yourself and I say this as your wife and as an RN.

I want to grow old with you. I want us to watch our son grow into the amazing and wonderful young man we know he is going to be, get married (if he so chooses) and have children - our grandkids - and for you to actually be there to revel in that sweet joy. And I want to be able to love YOU. Not your memory, not what we had, but you in the flesh and blood, even if we're both wrinkled, crinkled and scratchy. I don't want my senior years filled with visits to your headstone.

Yes, this diatribe is full of "I" statements, but it's you who is being selfish ... Imri needs his dad and I need my husband. And I am filled with fear, true fear, that I am losing you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday far far too soon for us.

I don't like airing our dirty laundry in public but I need to get it out somehow without either of us getting angry and defensive. I've suggested joint counseling and you've shot that down but I don't know what else to do to reach you and tell you how worried and scared I am. This is not exaggerating, sweetheart and deep in your heart, you know that what I am saying is true. I love you so much - please don't do this to yourself and to us. Please quit smoking. Please.

OK, END DIATRIBE.

On to other and better things - Imri has found his hands. This realization has helped him sleep in the crib unattended, I believe. He can self-soothe a bit now so I am quite happy. And on the "other" and not "better" - daycare starts next week when I return to work. Ack. We are meeting the daycare provider this Sunday in her home, just the three of us. It will let her get to know him, etc. However ...

Small problems with the whole daycare issue are these:
1. He doesn't sleep well alone and he still startles readily.
2. He won't take a pacifier.
3. He has stopped taking the bottle. (I went out and bought some new/other nipples, hth)
4. He likes being held. A lot. and he really likes interacting with people, not so much with his activity mat.
5. He's a snacker. Doesn't usually go for long feeds.

I think my kid is gonna fail daycare. Oy.
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?


Found my hands!



Happiness



Out cold after a long fun-filled day

Happy Chanukah!

From all of us at Chez Chaos.