An update on both my kids

There is so much to say and so little time to write it down. I promised myself that instead of napping when Imri went down, I would post a quick update. Not just because of you, the Internets, but also because this has become my "baby book" of sorts, the only one I have ever started. I wish I was as organized at home as I am at work. Ah well.

Imri update first ... Imri, as has been mentioned before, is obsessed with cars, trucks, trains, anything mechanized and that goes "vroom vroom". Up until this week, he has always said "big cah!!!!" BIG BIG CAH!!!" whenever a truck went by. This week, we were outdoors (he LOVES the outdoors)and he pointed to the neighbour's truck and excitedly said "big KUK!!!! BIG KUK!!!!" Quite loudly, too. It's even more interesting when he does it on the changing table ...




It's pretty funny and I have gotten some strange looks from people, but ... hey, he's a toddler. Besides, pronunciation isn't everything.

I was on the phone the other day, and when I got off, Imri turned to me with hands up, as if shrugging and said "I don't know!! I don't know!!" He slurs it, but it's pretty clear that's what he's saying, probably repeating something I said. He also said "I see cah!" about a car he saw in a book. I'm so blown away. Sentences?? This early? Holy crap. He gets "bird" and "bread" mixed up and points to the bread and says "teet teet"!! (tweet tweet). How cute is that?

And in the "gone and I'm sad" category: No more "mama" and "dada". It's "mommy" and "daddy" now ... *sniff sniff*. He even corrected me the other day when I referred to myself as mama ..."nnnoooooooo!! mammeee!". Also gone are any clothes that are 18 months or less. Yowza. I have to go out and buy my boy a whole new wardrobe in 2T/24 months. He is such a bruiser.

Did I mention the beginning of "no","mine" and "I do"?? Ah, the joy.

Imri has also taken to lying in his crib now when he awakes from naps and talking to himself. It's pretty entertaining and a nice change from the immediate crying that used to commence on waking. *sigh*. He's getting so big, so fast.



As for #2, I saw Dr High Risk this week for yet another scan. Baby is measuring right on target. Dr HR pointed out some placenta previa that remains around the lip of the cervix and noted what at first he thought was separated membranes (bad) but then decided was a clot on the placenta (bad, but not AS bad). He sent me for a bunch of clotting factor bloodwork which isn't back yet. I'm still spotting/bleeding but nothing heavy, just enough to need a pad all the time. So, staying on light duty for now - he encouraged staying at home, but we just can't afford that - and continue to monitor.
Did I mention that Fedex, those morons, lost my nuchal translucency bloodwork?? So they poked me again while I was there. Jeez.

I see the OB this week and next week, after we get back from Canada, I go in for another scan. So far, no one has said that I can't go to Canada although J had been pressuring me to stay home. I don't want to stay home. I miss my family, I never get to see them and it's not like we're going to Guatemala ... (no offense to any Guatemalans out there)but the healthcare system in Canada is excellent and we do have insurance. Unless Dr HR says "absolutely not", I'm going. Which means I'm really hoping that the bloodwork comes back negative for clotting issues. 14 weeks and counting.

J is painting the kitchen this weekend and I am trying to take it easy and clean the house at the same time.

Wish us both luck ...

I took my son out to lunch today ...

Yes I did. We went out to get some stuff at the nearest Targez and then inspiration struck ... why not go somewhere to eat rather than the crap they have at the store restaurant??

There is a nearby diner that we go to, so off he and I went. And it was amazing. From the first moment onward, we had a blast. I ordered a Greek salad for me and chicken nuggets and fries for him ... his came with milk or chocolate milk, so I opted for the later, which he had never had. The waitress offered to empty his water-filled sippy and fill it with chocolate milk. I wish I had a camera to capture the widening of his eyes as he sucked back on that cup ... too amazing.

Everything is new, everything special when you're seventeen months old. Yes, seventeen months old. Wow.

He tried a little of everything, but his main fascination was with the Kalamata olives in my salad. I thought he was saying "owie" but no, it was his version of "olive". He blows my mind ... I think we've had olives once and he remembered. He chowed down on those olives till the waitress went and brought us a whole big container-full, some are in my fridge right now. Yes, I tipped her very nicely. Imri had her completely charmed.

Imri ate the following things for lunch: crackers, a little matza ball soup, a couple of carrots from said soup, cuccumbers from my salad, feta from my salad, some of the chicken tenders and a couple fries, and large quantities of olives. His diaper should be a treat later.

But the best part was spending time with him; talking, playing with stuff on the table (he was fascinated by the sugar package holder and filled and emptied it multiple times), laughing together, learning new words, eating different things and talking about everything ... just being with him and having fun. Yeah, I'm hormonal now and sappy always, but I had tears of joy in my eyes.

Imri, you are such a delight and a joy. Yeah, it sounds like bragging but it's not just how whip-smart you are, nor your "here I am, love me!" presentation to the world - you are just one special boy, in every way.

I love you more than I can say, and I just don't have the words to explain how wonderful you are, so I'm stopping now. You amaze me, 'nuff said.

And a small update on #2 ... I have both a decent sized fibroid and a subchorionic hematoma, both which may have caused the bleed. I am officially on light duty at work and Dr High Risk wants to see me next week again. The spotting continues, as well.

Onwards we go.

More than you asked for ...

Let me reassure my friends in the computer - the nuchal scan was great. Dr High Risk walked in, took my hand in both of his and said warmly: "It's so good to see you again!".

I'm not kidding. I love that man.

Anyway, nuchal measurement was 1.4 which he said was average and "in this case, we love average". Bloodwork was taken, everything looked great and we should have final results including odds and risks of various trisomies by the end of this week.



Which fast-forwards us to this weekend. Gorgeous weather, finally. Imri's loving it - walking and running outside, going for rides in his "car". He is talking a mile a minute and while we're not sure about the meaning of some things ie "capee" which seems to be said at any number of occasions, "ABC!" and "wise kwipies" and "big big big big BIG cah!!!!" are prevalent.




I had Imri out on our backyard swings - he was loving it, laughing out loud and enjoying the weather. John was working on the house, tearing down yet another bit of rotted wood. And I had to go pee. At least it felt that way. Hey, don't be like that - those of you who've either had children or have worked long hours in an ICU - or both - know what it's like. Before you can do anything, you feel a little trickle ... oops. Pantyliners work well. Only ... it wouldn't stop. And my bladder didn't feel that full.
I looked around, making sure no nosy neighbours were peeking and checked. Blood. Lots of it. I called out to J, panicked. He sounded annoyed. In fairness, he gets so little time to do stuff that needs to get done, and he was getting a cold AND his back wasn't good ... but I called out again and told him I was bleeding heavily. He came quickly and got Imri, we went into the house, me gushing blood as I walked. I called the OB.

30 minutes later we were in the ER - putting in an IV and drawing bloodwork. My nurse brain noted that colour of the tubes ... CBC, chem panel, clotting factors, type, cross and screen. Yeah. I think I'm forgetting one. But enough to make me realize that they were taking this seriously. I informed them of my Rh negative status and that it doesn't always show up on bloodwork - I have something called a "weak D" and my blood type can show as O positive sometimes (erroneously). And yes, I was focusing on everything but the life I was sure was draining out of me. How else do you cope with something like that??

I kept bleeding, although less so when not standing or walking. Imri was being his sunshiny toddler self and wanting to explore everything. J was cranky and not feeling well, and worried about me and not coping well with aforementioned toddler. All I could think was "damn. I wish I lived closer to my family. They'd be here in a heartbeat ..."

Speaking of which, the u/s tech came in and scanned me. At first the baby was very still and my heart dropped. The tech said "don't worry, there's the heartbeat - 164!" I burst into tears, of course. It seems that I have a fibroid which is quite large and there seems to be a pool of blood around it, as per the technician. Also, part of my placenta is low, which caused the earlier bleeding so it may have been causing this too.

But the heartbeat was there and the baby started dancing for us - J was in the waiting room with Imri, so he still hasn't seen this baby. But the tech brought me a copy of the pic afterwards as her bedside printer hadn't been working.



And then ... I had to wait for the Rhogam shot. And wait. And wait. And wait ... I spent more time waiting for that shot than actually being treated. Ah well. The staff were great. And we hit the McDonalds afterwards because I hadn't eaten all day and Imri kept saying "eat" "eat". Yeah, chicken mcnuggetz and fries. I'm going to hell, aren't I?

I've been put on bedrest for 24 hours, hence me sitting home here alone with enough time to update y'all. I see the OB this afternoon and hopefully all will be well. I'm hoping to get a note for light duty for work, as pushing 200+ lb people on stretchers isn't my idea of taking it easy.


So there you have it. I'll taking "boring remainder of pregnancy" for $400 please, Alex.

PS - thank you for the kind comments on my last post. I really appreciate your understanding and compassion.

Fears

Nothing seems to sit right in my stomach and there is constant pressure around my sternum/epigastric area. I swallow Pepc|d - not huge amounts but enough and it doesn't do much. Ick. It's just a yucky feeling and I wish it would go away. It's messing with my intentions of staying relatively svelte for this pregnancy. I read my early typings from my pregnancy with Imri and I had gained 8 lbs by week 5 or so. I was nauseated constantly then and the only thing that made it better was carbs. Mostly.





That trap has been mostly avoided this pregnancy as I haven't been nauseous morning, day and night but when it hits, it's terrible. I've gained about 2 lbs by week 10 which is a great improvement but I wasn't skinny to start with. Gestational diabetes is not the way I want to go again and so far my sugars have been good (I check at work sometimes) but then they weren't terrible last time. Have I mentioned craving spicy food?

Ick.

So yeah, 10+ weeks. Nuchal is next week. My belly is definitely distended and things are fitting differently.

And I am terrified. Seriously frightened of being a mom to two children. Seriously frightened of loving one more than the other, resenting one for "intruding" or taking away time from the other, frightened of barely being able to manage my time now - what the hell will I do with two??? Not to mention the money woes which seem to be compounding ...

I had truly grown content with Imri, happy with just one and ...voila. Here we are. It will sound absolutely terrible, and go ahead and flame me but a teeny tiny itsy bitsy part of me has this horrible hope that we will find something terribly wrong at the nuchal. Does that make me a monster of some sort? It probably does.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it is. I don't know. I can't post these thoughts on my infertility bulletin board without people thinking I'm an ungrateful wretch and perhaps I am. I've always thought I'd be a better mom to one than to two ...

We go to Canada for Passover - once again, we will announce to the family during my favourite of holidays. I am looking forward to that and seeing my father's face. Sure he knows already, but I can't wait to see the joy shining through. And that makes me smile. Even through the nausea.

Under the letter D

I'm not the best blogger, that's for sure. In fact, I'm feeling pretty inadequate about a whole host of things. The knowledge that this is likely hormonal helps for about 5 seconds before I get bowled over with another wave of hormones. I laugh for no reason, cry for no real reason. I'm craving spicy foods - heck, I was dipping bread in the leftover Buffalo wing sauce the other day. I've started feeling nauseated to a tremendous degree over the last few days and that, coupled with the crippling fatigue has me feeling pretty useless around the home.

John has been doing extra duty with laundry and stuff - cooking has become non-existent and prepared foods have become standard (other than the kickass chili I made for Superbowl. Did I mention that?? Kickass, I tell you!.)Yuck. I just want to nap where I can and John has indulged me, to the most part. So I'm left feeling inadequate and as if I'm not pulling my fair share of the load. Which is fine, ultimately. I am pregnant, after all - and this is normal. I could deal with it but for the "dada" thing.

Everything has become "dada". Late at night when Imri wakes and I come stumbling in, I hear "dada". We go downstairs and I hear "dada". I sing songs about Imri and mommy and he looks at me impatiently and says "dada", waiting for me to sing about Imri and daddy. I feed him in his highchair and he asks "dada?", wondering where he's gone. I'm carrying him, with him snuggled into my shoulder - a sweet moment - and suddenly the word "dada" fills my ear. And so on ...

I know it's normal. I know it will pass. I'm actually delighted that he feels close to his father and that they are so bonded - and that John is wonderful with him.

But the hormones have their feelers in me and I just want to scream sometimes "Can't you ask for me???????? I birthed you, nursed you, cared for you when your father was too nervous to do much because you were so small ... I am still your primary caregiver ... can't you ask for MAMA?????"

Eventually the alien that is inside Ripley will calm down and things will improve but as for right now I'm just a emotional mess.

Imri is as cute as ever, if not more so. He still adores his fruits and vegetables almost more than anything else. I gave him some dessert (a rare occurence) of chocolate brownie the other day and he kept asking for more ... like mother, like son. He has started taking great pleasure in "hiding" from us. His language continues to explode and he is growing like a weed. We got him new shoes the other day and I doubt they will fit much longer. Most of his 18 month pjs are just fitting, not the loose-fitting big things from the beginning of the winter.

I'm not ungrateful. At all. I just wish the word "mama" would fall a little more often. And that the hormones would chill the hell out already. Yeesh.

Nuchal is March 8th. Hmmph.

Sorry 'bout that

I meant to update on Wednesday after my OB visit but time just seems to run away from me these days. Thanks for the emails!

All is well in alleged babyland. I saw the heartbeat ticking away ... I measured a little small but within normal limits. Again, I saw the nurse practitioner/midwife whose sono skills aren't wonderful, so I'm not too worried about it. She is very pleasant - and she listened. It was interesting - she went through my history and asked me questions that I KNOW I had eben asked last time but for some reason weren't in my chart ... I know they are there now.

Spotting continues, but it's definitely old blood. I was told to "take it easy" and rest. Needless to say, I laughed uproariously and nodded. I mean, really. I have a nearly 30 lb toddler and I'm an RN. Gimme a break. Should I mention the nausea?

I'm also scheduled to see Dr High Risk in early March for the nuchal. Assuming we get that far, that is. Early March????What am I supposed to do between now and then? Assume all is well? Arghh.
Amnio is scheduled for the week of Passover, but I will change that because I can't take all that time off - we are supposedly going to Toronto for the holiday. But the list of reasons for a visit to DHR has grown since last time. Not only am I "AMA" or "advanced maternal age" and hypothyroid, but I had an Xray in early gestation, had GD last time, had oligohydroamnios (low amniotic fluid) ... shall I go on? *sigh*. I really am trying to enjoy this but so far it ain't easy. I'm way too much of a worry-wort.

Work is being nice to me, so far. My nurse manager has been understanding and even giving me lighter assignments - I have not asked for that - and I went to our center director and asked if it was possible to do an "advance" while I was out on maternity leave, ie 50% of earnings with a committment to pay it back over so long. I told her I'm willing to sign a contract or whatever is needful. She was relieved I was planning on coming back to work ... I tell ya - I wouldn't if there was a way to stay home and earn money. Not really something that a nurse can do. But she said she'd bring it to the doctors and see what they said. I figure the worst thing they can say is "no". No harm done.

Imri is utterly delicious these days. He turned to me this morning, palms up and said "whe dada?" He had used "whe" (where) before and "dada" is an ongoing intonation, but it was the first time he had put them together as a sentence. He is into everything and his vocab is exploding. He repeats everything and delights in the look on our faces. He has "TU!!!" hands and feet ... and noses, it seems.

Four premolars are making themselves known and Imri is a facucet of drool, but a charming one. Sleep has been erratic, predictably, but last night he pretty much slept from 8:30 to 6:30 this morning, with one brief awakening. I am not foolish enough to think that tomorrow will bring us more of the same but it's a good thing even in small amounts.

We told my parents the other night. They are beyond excited and are insisting on purchasing the next crib for us. Mom laughed when I mentioned a toddler bed for Imri ... "believe me, you want him in a crib as long as possible". She's had four kids, I think she might know of what she speaks.

No finger foods for you ...

You know, I had plans for some serious finger food cooking for this Superbowl Sunday. I think it's on hold, however...

When I was nursing Imri late last night, I noticed the smell of old blood. As a nurse, it's one of the odours you *always* recognize, it's not something you can forget ...

Sure enough, this morning I noticed some old (brownish) blood stains on my underwear ... paid no mind to it. I got to work, went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. A fair amount of it, too - enough for me to get a pad. So I called the OB, a bit shaken. Top it off with some cramping and I was fit to be tied.

The OB's office told me to come in this morning - I called John and he sounded so upset - it really moved me deeply that he actually sounded upset that this pg was in danger, with all the stress that this has put on us and everything. In a way, his response made me feel better.

I had to tell work about the pregnancy, of course. I really didn't want to but I didn't see any choice, seeing how I had to leave ... ah well. Everyone was extrememly supportive, which was nice, including my nurse manager - who looked as shocked as we did when we found out about this pregnancy.

I steeled myself for the inevitable, no heartbeat or the like, I really did. But ... the bean had other ideas! There it was, heartbeat ticking away - maybe 160-170s and measuring around 6w5d ... with the nurse practitioner's admission that she isn't a great sonographer, so that measurement could be off a bit too (I'm 7w1d today) ... and by this point, the blood was more burgundy than red.

I may have a subchorionic hematoma and they definitely want to see me for my scheduled appt on Wednesday, so we may have more answers at that stage. I am to rest and take it easy all weekend and I'm not allowed to lift Imri (yikes).

But .... WHEW!!!!!! My little bean is still there and ticking away madly. Houston, we have a heartbeat! John sounded pleased that all was well and that lifted my heart too.

Jr is here this weekend too, so I am going to lay low and keep my stress down. Hah.

I will keep the Internets posted with whatever happens this Wednesday but so far so good.

As for the Superbowl munchies? Let them eat cake ... now off to bed with me.

An infertile baby boom?

I'm actually kind of blown away. Without a lot of spare time on my hands, I don't usually get opportunities to read the blogs on my list here - but I finally got a chance to catch up today and I was pleasantly shocked and surprised to see a bunch of positive pregnancy tests in the Infertile Blogosphere!

I am SO hopeful for Thalia, Bugsy,Frances,Bugs and Olivia ! A virtual possible babyboom in our virtual midst ... if I calculate right ...

Silly me. I was going to say "we should all be due around the same time!".

Don't worry. I knocked wood. As if it would be that simple ...

It reminds me of a posting on our infertile bulletin board "my coworker isn't pregnant ... she's 'having a baby!!'. " And it's sadly true - the fertile world doesn't understand (lucky them) that "pregnant" doesn't equal "baby" for all of us. Which explains my erstwhile ambivalence to this alleged pregnancy, I suppose.

When pregnant with Imri, by this stage the morning sickness was full blast. Ick. Not to mention the sore boobs, cramping, etc. This pregnancy? No sickness, really. No sore boobs - yeah, a tad veiny but not sore unless Imri is sucking on em. I seem to still be lactating a little, which I thought would stop during pregnancy. The cramping and pangs I get tend to worry more than reassure me.

And the fact of the matter is - we are seriously screwed financially with this pregnancy - no maternity leave and boatloads of debt - we are not sure how we are going to make it through. People who say "you'll find a way" are kind and offering comfort, but unless they have a couple of spare mortgage payments to throw our way, I don't think they grasp the enormity of it all. It's pretty serious.

And termination? That's not really an option now, is it? I am fiercely pro-choice but how in the world would I ever live with myself? How could I do that and wonder if it was another child as amazing and wondrous as Imri?

J and I make decent livings - it's just old debt that has us in the hole - we *should* be able to provide easily and we can't and it's killing me.

I need to start playing the lottery. Oh yes I do. Right now it's the only way out that I see. But helpful suggestions are always welcome.

I just wish I could be more ... joyous.

Yet another update

I had an ultrasound yesterday - I saw the Nurse Practitioner, who by her own admission told me that she wasn't great with the sono machine. I had figured that by my calculation, I was 5 weeks, 6 days and we probably wouldn't see a heartbeat anyway. IF we were lucky enough to see a normally developed embryo ...

Imri was with me and was rather perplexed at the goings-on but he sat on my stomach as the NP gently inserted the wand and we saw ...

An intrauterine, well developed yolk sac and the beginnings of a fetal pole, all measuring exactly 5 weeks, 6 days old.

Imri was quite excited and kept jumping up and down on my belly, which didn't make the viewing any easier but - it looked good.

They want me back in two weeks for another sonogram - hell, I feel like I'm at my old RE's office. And I'm not complaining. I'm starting prenatal vitamins again. And blessedly, so far no serious morning sickness, just a little queasiness.

May I say yet again ... wow.

As to other things, Imri is doing well. He got out of his sleep routine recently after a couple wonderful weeks of normal sleep and we're not sure why. We're blaming teething premolars and yet another cold. A few miserable nights but we are improving slowly and last night he only woke once. Given, that was for an hour, but better that than every hour. That has happened far too often.

He also had his 15 month appointment yesterday and is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. My boy weighs a bouncing 28 lbs, 8 oz. No wonder my darned back hurts.



Imri's vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds and his favourite words are "car" and "golfball". Yes, boys and girls - he learned "golf" and "ball" and put them together. Of course, he doesn't differentiate between a golfball and any other kind of ball, or a golfball and a golfclub, for that matter. But boy, does he get excited at the sight of a golfball. I had foolishly purchased a Pooh Bear golf set some time ago ... a favourite toy now, it seems. And Daddy aids and abets this, of course.



The only thing I try and brainwashtrain him to say is "Montreal Canadiens"

Under the B for beta ...

I called the OB's office anxiously when I hadn't heard anything by three o'clock ... the very nice nurse said "Oh yes, the doctor just hasn't seen it yet but it did go up". And I asked for numbers, of course.

The first beta (14dpo or so) was 93.
The second beta (18 dpo or so) is ...

551

Yowza.

I am not naive enough to think that we are smooth-sailing from here but I'd say doubling definitely occurred. I'm waiting for a phone call from the doctor to discuss our next step. Considering that I am 41, had a tough pregnancy last time, complicated with GD and a dance on the outskirts of HELLP ... I just want to make sure we're ok.

Did I mention that the OB who did the u/s the other day was the notorious Dr Shitty?And that she was really nice? Empathetic, even? Wow. Maybe I just caught her on a bad day that once. Hey, if a subfertile, hypothyroid-and-other-autoimmune-issues-41 year old woman, with one blocked tube and who had almost NO sex for an entire month, can get pregnant without trying, anything is possible. I wouldn't be the first Jewish woman to get pregnant under seemingly miraculous circumstances ...

And now ... we wait (and an update)

Got my bloodwork results. My progesterone was 21.1, which is great. My HCG? It's 93.

With my last miscarriage, my first beta was 83. With Imri it was 264.

I just don't have a great feeling about this pregnancy. Call it a gut feeling. Top that off with the knowledge that my next beta is tomorrow but I won't get results till Tuesday - well, you may as well stick me with a fork.

And J is so stressed over finances ... *sigh*.

But I do know that there is proof that I am indeed, pregnant. I sent J to his eye doctor appointment this morning. Upon arrival, he found out that it was, in fact, scheduled for Friday. NEXT Friday. Prego brain strikes early, my friends.

So there you have it. We wait.


Update
I was reading through Imri's sleep journal and found a reference to AF coming on December 14th - so this is indeed very early on. A beta of 93 isn't terrible in that case. I couldn't get my second beta on Saturday and since I won't get results till Tuesday anyway, I'll get it done tomorrow (Monday).

Let the waiting recommence. And thank you all for your comments and supportive emails. I still don't quite believe this yet.

Where do I begin?

Imri's sleep has improved dramatically. It's like a switch got flipped about a week or so ago and he has taken to sleeping MUCH better. He still awakens 1-3 times a night but is easily settled with some water. It's all the more remarkable considering he is teething premolars and has had a miserable cold. The humidifier in his room has helped - I think the white noise also has some soothing qualities there. Changing him during the night also seems to help, or putting a overnight diaper on him. I'm just glad we stuck to our guns and didn't do CIO.

Imri's naps during the day have improved as well - from 20 minute power naps to naps lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours! Yowza. It's rather amazing. And while I am still tired, I am not exhausted constantly and my marriage has improved.

Speaking of which, the other day I noticed some spotting. That in conjunction with the pelvic pain I've been having and plain old stomach tenderness made me nod in realization ... the bitch was back. It was an assumption, as I really have stopped tracking my cycles, I put on a pad and went on my merry way. That night there wasn't much there but I dutifully put on a pad the next day as well, as the spotting continued.

Today? Nothing. Zip. Weirdness. So I posted to my fellow infertiles on our bulletin board and they immediately asked if I had POASed. Of course not, I replied! We haven't been trying. Besides, I didn't think I had any FREDs in the house. I finally did find one that had expired some six months ago and took it right into the bathroom, laughing at myself for even thinking what I was thinking. I mean - J and I haven't been very intimate at all of late - it's hard to do when you're in sleep training hell - and I couldn't even remember the date of my last period. Not to mention I wasn't using first morning urine ...

Imagine my shock and surprise as a second line appeared nearly instantly. Faint, but definitely there.



I figured it was wrong. It's out of date and heck, there's just no way. So I unhurriedly got myself and Imri together and wandered over to the Wall of Marts, where I purchased the Cle@r Blue HPTs, you know, the ones that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". When those first came out, a stab of envy went through me that I'd never get to use them - silly, but hey - such is the life of the infertile. I was still laughing at myself as I plopped them into the cart - after all, there was no way - I was being self-indulgent.

Got home, got settled, got the FRED out of the bag ... it was mid-afternoon. Off I went to the bathroom and peed dutifully, watching the little hourglass churn away.



Holy crap.

I'm pregnant.

I am going into the OB tomorrow morning as the pelvic pain is slightly worrisome and they want to make sure it's in utero. Also, it would be nice to know when I'm due, if I ever get that far. And to top it off, I had Xrays done last week - I laughed at the "tell us if you think you may be pregnant" sign. As if.

John and I are both stunned. I've given away everything "infant" that I had ... and I have no maternity leave coverage as I let that drop. Money is very very tight. I broke it to him gently, expecting him to be quite upset, but he is not. Worried, more than anything.

But I'm pregnant.

Overwhelmed, happy and terrified don't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling. I had become content with the thought of only one child, my sweet Imri. After all, how could I ask for more? Certainly, there is no better. Yes, I was content. And now the thought of two under two fills me with fear. I'm sure the happiness will follow very very soon.

Holy shit.

I'm pregnant.

My "firstborn" 1993-2006

Rest in peace, good and oldest friend. I love you so much and miss you terribly. You were the best cat in the whole world. I'm just sorry I wasn't a better mommy to you this past year - but you were very loved. Always. There is a hole in my heart now that you're gone. You will never be forgotten.

Stay Awake ...

Last night Mary Poppins was on TV. We don't normally let Imri watch much TV but Mary Poppins? Please - it's a wondrous thing and he seemed to enjoy the musical cartoon parts of it. Those are the best parts, anyway. But he does seem to have taken Mary Poppins lullabye to the children to heart. You know, the one she sings when they insist they aren't going to go to sleep?

Stay awake, don't rest your head
Don't lie down upon your bed
While the moon drifts in the skies
Stay awake, don't close your eyes

Though the world is fast asleep
Though your pillow's soft and deep
You're not sleepy as you seem
Stay awake, don't nod and dream
Stay awake, don't nod and dream

We're still in the trenches regarding Imri's sleeping habits. We are not taking him out of the crib any longer, no more night time feedings, no more co-sleeping, he gets water when he cries ... it's been a few weeks now and he is still waking anywhere between 2-7 times a night. He got to a point where he'd go down around 8 and sleep till 11:30 -12ish - that has gone out the window too now, with an early waking around 9:30. It used to be 10:30, now it's 9:30. On the bright side, he *is* taking two full naps at daycare now - usually an hour each. That is new - he has never napped that way in the past but it may have something to do with the new sleeping pattern at home combined with some changes in where he sleeps at daycare.

I'm truly not sure what to do anymore. He's given us one or two nights where he has only woken once or twice and I thought I had reached Nirvana, but those are rare - and I do the majority of sleep patrol duty. It's effing hard as hell when you're working full time. It's even harder when the man you love decides to stay home the one night he did extra sleep patrol just because he can. And you come home after 10 hours on your feet and ask "what's for dinner" and nothing has been taken out, no housework has happened and your beloved spouse answers "nothing" to the question of "what did you do all day?".

I'm having trouble staying awake while driving home and that is bad, my friends.

This is my approximate schedule:

"rise" to Imri's hungry cry around 4:30-4:45. Nurse and try and put him back down for more sleep. It works sometimes, sometimes it doesn't.

shower if I can. I have taken to showering with a small boy staring at me, surrounded by books and toys in the bathroom.Dress.Change small boy and dress him.

Fix his lunch/snack if I didn't do it the night before. Make my breakfast, coffee, etc. Run everything out to the vehicle and start it up while he is in his highchair, working on a bottle/raisin bread.

Leave between 6-6:10.

Arrive at daycare around 6:30. Get him settled, etc.

Arrive at work around 7:30. Work - usually the longest and busiest room, on my feet, pushing heavy stretchers, etc etc etc whine whine moan complain till 4:30 - sometimes till 5 if we are really short staffed. Or if I have to pick up Imri, then I leave around 4.

Get in the car and battle I-270. Struggle to stay awake and drive safely amongst the many assholes that pollute that road. Get home anywhere between 45 minutes to 2 hours later (yeah, Thanksgiving was a bitch), so around 5:30 - 6.

Walk in the door to a boy's beautiful smile. John hasn't taken anything out for dinner, fed the boy nor changed a diaper. I do all of those things over the next hour or so, which brings us to 7ish. Then John and I eat. Imri usually jonzes for food from our plates. Yeah, I'd love to do a sit-down family dinner every night but I'm just thankful for getting food on my plate and sitting down in front of the TV at this point. Wolf down food so I get time to play with Imri.

8ish - Imri wants boob - but there's not much there anymore so it's upstairs for stories, bottle, boob and bed. Once he's down, I quickly get into pjs and make his lunch. To bed betweeen 8:30 and 9:30, with great hopes that usually evaporate with the first cries ... and up throughout the night - 9:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30 ...and sometimes in between.

So I'm pretty much going from 5am to 9pm. And then from 9:30pm to 4:30am.

I'm exhausted. And I really don't know what to do to change things.

But, nonetheless, I wish you all a belated Happy Hanukkah, a Merry Xmas and a very happy, joyous, and - restful - New Year.

I really do need to find the time

and update you nice folks on the goings-on in our lives. It's been hard to find time with going back to work fulltime and a melange of other things - holiday stuff, some tough times between John and I, going to Canada to visit, you know - the usual crap.

The biggest news to pass on is of course, Imri-related. He is officially a toddler!! He took his first steps the day after his first birthday and about 2-3 weeks later there was no looking back. It's been wonderful, truly. His language is also flourishing now, he uses identifiable words; boo for book, ca for car, tuh for truck, baba for bottle and something only mom understands that means "raisin bread". He understands a heck of a lot more than he says and I am constantly amazed by the things he does understand. Holy crap. I've really started censoring my liberal use of the F bomb and have been on John's case to curb his Marine language but so far, not much change there!
Imri also has a whole slew of animal sounds. He babbles all the time. He has taken to shaking his head 'no' when asked if he wants something in particular to eat - and he eats well. Last pedi visit he weighed in at 26 lbs, 8 oz at 13+ months old.





He can also take a room apart faster than a platoon of Marines. Oh, and you should see him hitting golf balls with the plastic golf clubs - once he hits the ball, he drops the club and starts to clap and laugh, all pleased with himself. As he should be!

In other words - lots of work, but blissful work. He adores his books still and although he often requests us to read to him, he has also started flipping through books on his own and making "words" as if reading. It's pretty funny and amazing at the same time. His fascination with all things mechanized continues to grow; cars, trucks, buses, vacuums - he adores them all.

Right now he is working on his premolars - we thought he had an ear infection behind one of his tubes but a visit to the ENT showed otherwise - glad the pedi was wrong on that account. So the low grade fever is probably teething related - and he has a cold and congestion. Par for the course, I guess.

Do I sound as happy as I am? I hope so - it's been a tough balancing act but we're making it work. I get Wednesdays off, so we always have a day off together and that day is precious to me. I try and get us outside (he loves the outdoors) but with the cold weather, it's not always possible. And there ain't a lot to do with small kids around here (that I'm aware of, anyway) so we go shopping or to the mall, etc. I wish we were closer to DC - museums, music, that kind of stuff ... but oh well.

We are in the midst of "sleep training" here. Imri's sleep had gotten so bad, he was waking every 1.5 hours or so and I was crazy with fatigue. I called a stop to it one night when I had enough and just decided "no more picking him out of the crib". We've been working on that for a week now and things are improving slowly - it's been rough. Long time readers know that I will not do CIO, so we have stayed in the room with him when he's been upset/crying, we go in and soothe him a bit but no picking up, no more coming to bed with mommy. We offer a bottle with water, but no more boob other than when I nurse him to sleep. We actually are starting to get "some" sleep around here. And by "some", I mean that a couple of nights have had uninterrupted stretches of, oh .... 2-4 hours. Slowly, my friends. It will get better. But we're doing it our way - the way we deem best for Imri. He is not a CIO kid and we are not CIO parents.

In other news, my stepson dropped out of college as he was failing his classes. Gotta say that I saw this coming from a mile away - 12+ hours a day online and no homework getting done, no studying and tons of attitude. And yes, we made him pay back every cent of tuition as per our agreement - he wasn't happy about that. He also decided to move in with his mother on his 18th birthday, which is probably the wrong choice for him but it's his choice and that's all there is to it. Hey, there are no rules there whatsoever, no chores and no demands for him to do something - anything - and get off the couch. He also managed to nearly sever his right ring finger while making french fries at his fast food job while here and luckily, a good surgeon saved it and it has reattached well. Oy. John and I tried to make the point about finding more fulfilling and less dangerous (and better-paying) work but it fell on deaf ears. Ah well. We were all 18 once. We have truly done our best for him - hopefully he will clue in one day when he becomes human again. He claims that he will go back to school when at his mother's - but I told him to stop kidding himself and us - if he didn't do it while here, with full support and tuition paid, why would he do it there, when he will have to foot the entire bill, no support, etc? Yeah.

Anyway, it's out of our hands now and if we can just get Imri to sleep more, the stress level here will be reduced tremendously.

So there you have it. Hanukkah is around the corner and I am excited - I bought a bunch of holiday-themed books off Ebay and way too many presents for my boy. Ah well! Hopefully he will like latkes and sufganiyot as much as his mother does!

Oh yeah, speaking of that - I rejoined weight watchers. It was time. 8.6 down so far and 25 more to go. Ouch.

I'll try and stay in touch, I promise.

Firsts

I know that somewhere in the world, there are one year old babies that sleep through the night. I know there are. None of them live in my house. I'm just saying.

It's been hard, especially with the knowledge that I am returning to full-time work come November. I had really hoped that Imri would settle out but no dice. Top that off with tremendous teething - my poor boy had 4 teeth come in at once and still more spawning - and that other enormous milestone ... first steps!!!! I'm sure those of you who are seasoned moms are nodding at the realization of how little sleep I am actually getting these days.

I wish I had a pic or two of the momentous event to show you, but it was unexpected and is sporadic. Imri is still a fervent advocate of the full-tilt crawl, preferably in the opposite direction of where I am headed. We went to the Targez yesterday and he insisted on crawling down the aisles. Yeah. I was oblivious ignored the dirty looks of soon-to-be mamas and the transparency of their "I would never let my child do that" thoughts and the dirty looks of wanna-be-drive-by mamas. Maybe having John with me helped keep that to a minimum. Which makes me wonder why when a baby is crawling next to his daddy in a busy store said daddy and baby get indulgent smiles but when the same scenario occurs with the mommy, all she gets are dirty looks?

That other momentous event, Imri's first birthday came and went with much fanfare and happiness. As you can see, John survived my wrath after returning home from golfing at 14:45 when Imri's party was supposed to start at 15:00. Yeah. My best friend S, the sister of my heart, came charging to the rescue with much help and calming vibes because I was jumping out of my skin by the time she arrived. It's just so darned difficult to run errands with a baby, especially when said baby hardly slept the night before.

But it was a great time and Imri sort of clued in that things were for him when we came to the gift-opening. At least I think he did - he seemed to understand that these were toys and books for him and he got excited - it was pretty cool, actually.

He loved the cake - I honestly can't say enough about C0stc0 cakes - but by then it was pretty loud - lots of people with lots of kids, all hepped up on sugar - the urge for me to yell "everyone ... SHUT UP!!!" was great but I kept it together. Mostly. S may have issue with my togetherness in general.





The other sweet thing about the party is that Imri's gramma came. John's mom has very poor health and it means a great deal to us that she made the trip - and Imri settled comfortably in her lap as she read to him.



In fact, so much so that he fell asleep in her arms, much to her delight - and mine, because I actually got to eat a meal without a small person screeching for me to share. Imri's become quite the chow-hound, boys and girls.

He is fascinated with cars, trucks, trains, cats and books, in no particular order. Therefore it was only fitting that we got him a car - and he is utterly delighted by it. Not only is it red, it has a "convertible" top and a push bar, so we can take him in it through the neighbourhood. It rocks and he loves it!





I also took him for his first "professional" pics in honour of his first birthday and they did a decent job. I didn't realize that they weren't digital until afterwards or I would have probably gone elsewhere. Not to mention the snarky attitude of the "photographer" and I use that term lightly. But I will share because a couple of them are quite good, a testament to Imri's extreme cuteness and not the "photog", and because the picture folk (a national chain) haven't realized that you can indeed right click and save if you use Firefox.





They actually asked my permission to put the Halloween one in the book they use to ensnare ...er... entice hapless other parents. I agreed, of course. I'm a sucker for showing off my boy.

We are also going up to Toronto for my cousin's batmitzvah. I convinced John to fly this time as we got excellent fares via S0uthworst and we will once again be renting a vehicle. This time, however, we are bringing our own car seat and not renting from Budget, the car shmucks. Even though I did receive yet another letter, this time from the office of the president of Budget, apologizing once again and promising to change their website. And I just surfed on over and ... they did!!!! Holy crap. I quote ...

"Due to liability issues, Budget personnel are not permitted to install child safety seats into vehicles for customers. However, upon request, Budget will provide an instruction sheet or booklet on the proper installation of the child safety seat. Other questions regarding installation should be addressed directly with the rental location."

Wow.
The power of an angry mother in action, come to fruition. I am utterly blown away. Who knew?

Anyway, we still won't be renting from them.

I had so much to say here, most of it erudite and profound, but it has all escaped my small and fatigued brain. Not to mention how my beloved John finds it very necessary to read me each and every article that he finds interesting online and on paper while I am trying to write/read/do anything that gives me five minutes to myself on the computer. I love the man, he just doesn't understand that I honestly don't give a rat's ass about some picture of Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. I just don't. May the golf gods strike me down. Nor am I interested in hearing about anything that GWB has to say anymore. It's just too darned depressing for words.

Instead, I will leave you with a nice autumn pic of my sweet boy. Consider yourselves lucky.

My nearly birthday boy

My sweet Imri,

I know, I've been negligent in writing my "letters" to you. So often I promise myself that I will sit down and write and life is so full and busy with you that time slips away. Besides, I'd rather be with you than write about you.

You are now 11.5 months old. I sent out invitations to your birthday party this past week and I can't believe it - a year. How quickly it has flown by, my beloved boy - what sweetness and joy you've brought into my life. It's somehow fitting that right now we are in the "Days of Awe", the ten days between the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur - because while different in concept, I am in awe of you and the person you are becoming.



Last year, my induction was begun on Yom Kippur. I hoped you would not be born on that day - Yom Kippur is a solemn day of prayer and fasting - I wanted your birth to be a day of joy. You obliged me by holding out for 30+ hours of labour, finally arriving on October 14th at 13:47. According to the Jewish Calendar, your birthday should be this Tuesday and as one of our few remaining full days together, I intend on celebrating it quietly, just you and me.


Yes, I'm going back to work full time starting in November, gorgeous boy. It hurts so much to know that I will be missing so much of your development. I wish there was some way I could do otherwise but we really can't. I know I am luckier than many in having a great part of this first year with you but that makes it even harder in many ways. You are such a special child and I want you to get the nurturing that will enable you to blossom - I am not at all convinced that daycare is the place for that.

You are doing so much these days - you stood by yourself the other day! Stood and balanced for several long seconds - wonderful to behold! It won't be long before you're walking and wreaking havoc on everything around you. You absorb everything we tell you - you try so very hard to say words but "graaa" seems to be one of your multi-descriptor words these days. You do say "caaaa" for car and "gruuuh" for truck. You try and say "banana" and "phone" and pretty much everything we teach you and you remember most of those words when asked later. You point to a ball, a cup, a bottle, a chair when asked to. When I ask you to say "mommy" you meow and look very proud of yourself. The smile on your face when you see your daddy is brilliant.





You love food! Definitely something you inherited from mommy, sweet boy. You will try pretty much everything I put in front of you and you jonz for most things daddy and I eat. We call you the Shnorer, yiddish for moocher. Pizza (crusts), raisin bread, chicken, any and every fruit, most veggies. You think water is the beverage of champions and you aren't really happy that mommy is trying to get you to take formula in a sippy cup.


Books seem to be your absolutely favourite toy and that delights both your father and I to no end. Cars and anything with wheels come a close second. You love music and rock at the slightest refrain - you seem to really love when mommy sings, despite the lack of pitch. Watching music videos with mommy on youtube seems to be a favourite pastime. You are so much more mobile now, able to get on and off toys like your firetruck and rocking horse. Your walker is close to being obsolete - I know it's a matter of time before you take off at a run.




Everything is exciting to you. You love sitting or standing on the grass and watching the leaves fall. You've become fascinated with the outdoors and love going on your swing and even sliding down the slide. It's a big boy slide so I hold you but you still love it. I know you're just waiting to run across the lawn one day soon - I can imagine you diving into a pile of leaves and laughing out loud in glee.


You still don't like sleeping much, sweetheart and most of that is because mommy still nurses you at night, I think. Yet I hesitate to wean you completely because that sweet closeness we share is so very precious to me. That may be selfish of me, but I know it's also good for you. So we end up sharing mommy and daddy's bed at night and mommy doesn't get a lot of sleep (daddy stays on the couch)... but I know you are happy and secure in my arms and that matters a great deal in my book. You will wean one day - before I know it these sweet days will be over and you will be a big boy. You are already losing some of that "baby" look and it saddens and gladdens me at the same time.






You now have three teeth with three more perched and ready for entry. I've given you Motrin and Tylenol a few nights, mostly because I figured you had to be sore, not because you complained or cried. You are such a happy child. Even people who see you in a store comment on how happy you are - you attract people with your winsome smiles and sweet nature. It's really quite astonishing.





I am taking you for professional pictures on Tuesday and I really hope they go well. It's unfortunate that Daddy won't be able to come because I'd love a family picture but that will have to wait for another time. But I hope we get a good shot of you smiling that sweet smile of yours ... because I can never have enough pictures of the person you are, the person you are becoming.

I love you so much, Imri, my big boy. Don't grow up too fast, ok? I want to hold on to my baby for just a little while longer. And happy birthday, motek sheli. Ima ohevet otcha im kol halev.

Inviting in the hurt

I had mentioned a number of times to my mother how much it would mean to me that my parents come for Imri's first birthday. And it does - after so long, after so much heartache ... I want to be surrounded by friends and family. Nothing big, nothing outrageous. I'm not renting ponies, or hiring clowns. I figured on cake, ice cream and maybe some chips and dip. Soda, wine, you know. The basics. I figured on a few close friends, John's mother (and siblings, if they want to come which likely they won't), us and my parents.

I mentioned it a few weeks ago and then again a couple of times. I heard about the length of the drive and suggested that modern contraption, an airplane. After all, they were going to fly me (with Imri) to Toronto for Rosh Hashana, so they money is there. I mentioned flying S0uthwest out of Buffalo and heard "the border is awful and we need a car". I offered one of our cars and got hemmed and hawed at. I heard about a trip to Montreal for a barmitzvah, theatre tickets for Stratford and mostly "maybe" so I figured on "no".
I spoke to my husband today about it and suggested that maybe we go to Canada instead, so that I could be amongst family for what I perceive as a relatively big event and not put out my parents who are, after all, in their seventies. Relative being the term - again, I'm not going bananas here, just wanted a feeling of family around me.

So I broached the topic with my mother when they called this evening to wish us a Shana Tova. And I was shot down flat. That I shouldn't bother over something that small - that I should do as they did once and just keep it family only. I said that I was thinking of coming on the weekend of my birthday and we could celebrate the birthdays together and was told to "save it for something special" and how they just found out there was a batmitzvah in the family in early November and to think about that.

Yeah. So call me selfish if you wish, call me ridiculously self-serving to want my son's grandparents at his side for his first birthday. Call me stupid for opening myself up to my mother's rejection again. Call me stupid for wanting to pretend that our family is closer than we actually are. Call me stupid for noticing how my mom and dad seem to visit my brother's son fairly often but how they haven't mentioned anything about not seeing any pictures of Imri lately. Lately as in 3-4 weeks when I would send them regularly. Yeah, I'm so damned selfish, it hurts.

I will make a nice birthday for Imri. A small one. I will invite a couple of people and George's family. Maybe I'll send my parents an invitation. Maybe I won't. It doesn't seem to matter to them at all anyway. I won't make that mistake again.

Shana Tova U'Metuka 5767

A sweet and happy New Year to everyone. May this New Year bring us all happiness, joy and peace. A lasting and workable peace for this entire world.

May your names be inscribed in the Book of Life.

Amen.

Wish I were more eloquent but ... hey, it's the sentiment that counts.

Curiouser and curiouser ...

Why do they call it a green card?? It's not. Yes, that's my way of telling you nice folks that .. it's here!! I am a legal permanent resident of the USA. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, boys and girls. I tell you, strange things are afoot at the Circle K.




One of the strangest things I've ever encountered in my life - and I've been around several blocks multiple times - is looking into my son's face and seeing my own features reflected back at me. Particularly the eyes ...

When we found out we were having a son, we had the inevitable question of "oh, didn't you want a girl??" and the other strange and perplexing questions that people ask you when you're pregnant. One of my stock answers, other than "I just want a healthy baby" became "I want a little boy with his daddy's eyes.". Because in truth, John has gorgeous eyes. Deep-set and ocean-blue, they are witness to the flame that burns inside him and give echo to his inner - as well as more superficial - beauty.

When Imri was born, it appeared that indeed, I had been given a boy with his daddy's eyes and I delighted in that. Imri seemed to be John in miniature with nary a shade of his mother in him. But now that he is growing older and becoming his own self, I see that his eyes are becoming reflections of mine, the whole upper structure of his face is taking on a masculine hue of his mother.

It is startling and humbling and wonderful and eerie and if it was possible to love him even more for it, I do. Rightly or wrongly, I do. I hold him high above me and gaze into that curiously familiar face - and we both smile big. And more than likely, we laugh.