An infertile baby boom?

I'm actually kind of blown away. Without a lot of spare time on my hands, I don't usually get opportunities to read the blogs on my list here - but I finally got a chance to catch up today and I was pleasantly shocked and surprised to see a bunch of positive pregnancy tests in the Infertile Blogosphere!

I am SO hopeful for Thalia, Bugsy,Frances,Bugs and Olivia ! A virtual possible babyboom in our virtual midst ... if I calculate right ...

Silly me. I was going to say "we should all be due around the same time!".

Don't worry. I knocked wood. As if it would be that simple ...

It reminds me of a posting on our infertile bulletin board "my coworker isn't pregnant ... she's 'having a baby!!'. " And it's sadly true - the fertile world doesn't understand (lucky them) that "pregnant" doesn't equal "baby" for all of us. Which explains my erstwhile ambivalence to this alleged pregnancy, I suppose.

When pregnant with Imri, by this stage the morning sickness was full blast. Ick. Not to mention the sore boobs, cramping, etc. This pregnancy? No sickness, really. No sore boobs - yeah, a tad veiny but not sore unless Imri is sucking on em. I seem to still be lactating a little, which I thought would stop during pregnancy. The cramping and pangs I get tend to worry more than reassure me.

And the fact of the matter is - we are seriously screwed financially with this pregnancy - no maternity leave and boatloads of debt - we are not sure how we are going to make it through. People who say "you'll find a way" are kind and offering comfort, but unless they have a couple of spare mortgage payments to throw our way, I don't think they grasp the enormity of it all. It's pretty serious.

And termination? That's not really an option now, is it? I am fiercely pro-choice but how in the world would I ever live with myself? How could I do that and wonder if it was another child as amazing and wondrous as Imri?

J and I make decent livings - it's just old debt that has us in the hole - we *should* be able to provide easily and we can't and it's killing me.

I need to start playing the lottery. Oh yes I do. Right now it's the only way out that I see. But helpful suggestions are always welcome.

I just wish I could be more ... joyous.

Yet another update

I had an ultrasound yesterday - I saw the Nurse Practitioner, who by her own admission told me that she wasn't great with the sono machine. I had figured that by my calculation, I was 5 weeks, 6 days and we probably wouldn't see a heartbeat anyway. IF we were lucky enough to see a normally developed embryo ...

Imri was with me and was rather perplexed at the goings-on but he sat on my stomach as the NP gently inserted the wand and we saw ...

An intrauterine, well developed yolk sac and the beginnings of a fetal pole, all measuring exactly 5 weeks, 6 days old.

Imri was quite excited and kept jumping up and down on my belly, which didn't make the viewing any easier but - it looked good.

They want me back in two weeks for another sonogram - hell, I feel like I'm at my old RE's office. And I'm not complaining. I'm starting prenatal vitamins again. And blessedly, so far no serious morning sickness, just a little queasiness.

May I say yet again ... wow.

As to other things, Imri is doing well. He got out of his sleep routine recently after a couple wonderful weeks of normal sleep and we're not sure why. We're blaming teething premolars and yet another cold. A few miserable nights but we are improving slowly and last night he only woke once. Given, that was for an hour, but better that than every hour. That has happened far too often.

He also had his 15 month appointment yesterday and is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. My boy weighs a bouncing 28 lbs, 8 oz. No wonder my darned back hurts.



Imri's vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds and his favourite words are "car" and "golfball". Yes, boys and girls - he learned "golf" and "ball" and put them together. Of course, he doesn't differentiate between a golfball and any other kind of ball, or a golfball and a golfclub, for that matter. But boy, does he get excited at the sight of a golfball. I had foolishly purchased a Pooh Bear golf set some time ago ... a favourite toy now, it seems. And Daddy aids and abets this, of course.



The only thing I try and brainwashtrain him to say is "Montreal Canadiens"

Under the B for beta ...

I called the OB's office anxiously when I hadn't heard anything by three o'clock ... the very nice nurse said "Oh yes, the doctor just hasn't seen it yet but it did go up". And I asked for numbers, of course.

The first beta (14dpo or so) was 93.
The second beta (18 dpo or so) is ...

551

Yowza.

I am not naive enough to think that we are smooth-sailing from here but I'd say doubling definitely occurred. I'm waiting for a phone call from the doctor to discuss our next step. Considering that I am 41, had a tough pregnancy last time, complicated with GD and a dance on the outskirts of HELLP ... I just want to make sure we're ok.

Did I mention that the OB who did the u/s the other day was the notorious Dr Shitty?And that she was really nice? Empathetic, even? Wow. Maybe I just caught her on a bad day that once. Hey, if a subfertile, hypothyroid-and-other-autoimmune-issues-41 year old woman, with one blocked tube and who had almost NO sex for an entire month, can get pregnant without trying, anything is possible. I wouldn't be the first Jewish woman to get pregnant under seemingly miraculous circumstances ...

And now ... we wait (and an update)

Got my bloodwork results. My progesterone was 21.1, which is great. My HCG? It's 93.

With my last miscarriage, my first beta was 83. With Imri it was 264.

I just don't have a great feeling about this pregnancy. Call it a gut feeling. Top that off with the knowledge that my next beta is tomorrow but I won't get results till Tuesday - well, you may as well stick me with a fork.

And J is so stressed over finances ... *sigh*.

But I do know that there is proof that I am indeed, pregnant. I sent J to his eye doctor appointment this morning. Upon arrival, he found out that it was, in fact, scheduled for Friday. NEXT Friday. Prego brain strikes early, my friends.

So there you have it. We wait.


Update
I was reading through Imri's sleep journal and found a reference to AF coming on December 14th - so this is indeed very early on. A beta of 93 isn't terrible in that case. I couldn't get my second beta on Saturday and since I won't get results till Tuesday anyway, I'll get it done tomorrow (Monday).

Let the waiting recommence. And thank you all for your comments and supportive emails. I still don't quite believe this yet.

Where do I begin?

Imri's sleep has improved dramatically. It's like a switch got flipped about a week or so ago and he has taken to sleeping MUCH better. He still awakens 1-3 times a night but is easily settled with some water. It's all the more remarkable considering he is teething premolars and has had a miserable cold. The humidifier in his room has helped - I think the white noise also has some soothing qualities there. Changing him during the night also seems to help, or putting a overnight diaper on him. I'm just glad we stuck to our guns and didn't do CIO.

Imri's naps during the day have improved as well - from 20 minute power naps to naps lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours! Yowza. It's rather amazing. And while I am still tired, I am not exhausted constantly and my marriage has improved.

Speaking of which, the other day I noticed some spotting. That in conjunction with the pelvic pain I've been having and plain old stomach tenderness made me nod in realization ... the bitch was back. It was an assumption, as I really have stopped tracking my cycles, I put on a pad and went on my merry way. That night there wasn't much there but I dutifully put on a pad the next day as well, as the spotting continued.

Today? Nothing. Zip. Weirdness. So I posted to my fellow infertiles on our bulletin board and they immediately asked if I had POASed. Of course not, I replied! We haven't been trying. Besides, I didn't think I had any FREDs in the house. I finally did find one that had expired some six months ago and took it right into the bathroom, laughing at myself for even thinking what I was thinking. I mean - J and I haven't been very intimate at all of late - it's hard to do when you're in sleep training hell - and I couldn't even remember the date of my last period. Not to mention I wasn't using first morning urine ...

Imagine my shock and surprise as a second line appeared nearly instantly. Faint, but definitely there.



I figured it was wrong. It's out of date and heck, there's just no way. So I unhurriedly got myself and Imri together and wandered over to the Wall of Marts, where I purchased the Cle@r Blue HPTs, you know, the ones that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". When those first came out, a stab of envy went through me that I'd never get to use them - silly, but hey - such is the life of the infertile. I was still laughing at myself as I plopped them into the cart - after all, there was no way - I was being self-indulgent.

Got home, got settled, got the FRED out of the bag ... it was mid-afternoon. Off I went to the bathroom and peed dutifully, watching the little hourglass churn away.



Holy crap.

I'm pregnant.

I am going into the OB tomorrow morning as the pelvic pain is slightly worrisome and they want to make sure it's in utero. Also, it would be nice to know when I'm due, if I ever get that far. And to top it off, I had Xrays done last week - I laughed at the "tell us if you think you may be pregnant" sign. As if.

John and I are both stunned. I've given away everything "infant" that I had ... and I have no maternity leave coverage as I let that drop. Money is very very tight. I broke it to him gently, expecting him to be quite upset, but he is not. Worried, more than anything.

But I'm pregnant.

Overwhelmed, happy and terrified don't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling. I had become content with the thought of only one child, my sweet Imri. After all, how could I ask for more? Certainly, there is no better. Yes, I was content. And now the thought of two under two fills me with fear. I'm sure the happiness will follow very very soon.

Holy shit.

I'm pregnant.