Hell if I know

what happened. I don't know why all of the sudden the blog went to "moderated comments". Likely it's something I did, but heck if I know how or when. It's back to normal now. I was wondering why no one had anything to say about the last entry. I'm so glad to find out that you like me! You really like me!

So this is the deal: I'm exhausted. What else is new?

Work is suddenly being nice to me. You see, another full time nurse quit last Friday, leaving them high and dry. Suddenly they realize - they need me. Badly. There is a nursing shortage and their ads have brought in zilch. So my boss is working with me and indeed gave me last Friday off for the daycare search. She's also agreed to give me half of this Monday off.

I have a long memory for crap like that. I am a very hard-working (always)and loyal employee (when treated right) so I figure turnabout is fair play. Just wait till I have my green card.

As for daycare: I have called and emailed and visited and networked more daycares in the last week than a person should. I found one in particular where I loved the woman who runs it (in-home) and Imri adored her - she was so good with him. Unfortunately, she's full - she thought she might have an opening because one child might not be working out but he may have turned the corner now. Not that I'd wish misfortune on another parent, but I was really hoping that it would work out. I had such a good feeling about this place and about her. She will have an opening in November and she is keeping us in mind. November. *sigh*. But it's fairly close to my work now, who knows where I'll be in November.

I found a larger centre that seemed all right but it was very expensive. You see, most places won't do part-time infant care, so you have to pay for full-time. This centre wanted $280 dollars. A week. Heh. That's nothing. Kinder C@re wanted $335. And they weren't impressive. Not that I begrudge them money for caring for my child but still - when I compare to prices paid by friends in areas that don't get "Montgomery county tax" - well, it's very high.

So I kept looking and finally found a centre in Monrovia (does "Monrovia" sound Sherlock Holmes-ish or is it just me?) which is a tad out of the way but they want far less and it's in a more rural setting with a huge back yard. I'm still not 100% happy - when I walked in, one of the caregivers for the older kids was sitting reading a magazine rather than playing with kids, etc. Not a great sign. But she's not in the infant area and I don't think Imri will be there long enough to fall into her shrewish clutchesinto her care. The other caregivers seemed nice enough - it's country, so not terribly educated but hey, there are more important things. I guess.

I also have a big fear of him being left in a crib for hours. I will have to do some stealth visits, I think - there were a number of babies in their cribs when I arrived. I am going to be very specific with them, as they are watching my child and I am paying their wages - I spoke to the director who was a very lovely young woman and she assured me that there would be no long crib stays but I stayed up half last night worrying. At this stage I'm unsure as to whether I'm just worried or whether it's my gut.

Anyway, I'm going to continue my search for excellence (I've long since given up on perfection)in daycare. Thank you all for your support and offers of help - I wish I lived closer to any number of you. If you do know of great daycare somewhere up the I-270 corridor between Frederick and Montgomery counties, please email me? And to the anon poster who offered help with immigration stuff - could you email me too please? kinneretb@gmail.com

Yeah, gmail has awesome spam filters. I'm not afraid. And btw, if you want a gmail account, email me - I have about 85 left to give away. It puts all the other free email accounts to shame. I love me some gmail.


So there you have it. We start Wednesday. I'll keep you posted.

Oh yeah, it gets better:

I got to work on Friday and my boss told me that I either work my full shifts as scheduled or I have no job. I stared at her. And reminded her that I have only been back a week (4 scheduled days) and she basically told me "too bad".

Nursing and medicine. The caring professions. Yeah.

The moment I have residency paperwork in my hot little hands I am finding another job. Any company that has such little compassion for an obviously struggling and overwhelmed new mom can go fuck themselves. That's assuming I still work for them when that occurs.

So, I may have no job shortly as I currently have no daycare. The woman I was using looked "surprised" when I stopped in to pick up Imri's stuff on Friday. I told her that she was unkind to leave me without notice and she then said that I was welcome to use her for this next week. As if. No thanks.

Two friends; one from work and another - a sweet woman who I met via the Resolve bulletin boards -are watching Imri Monday and Wednesday respectively. I am so very very VERY thankful and grateful to them both. I just hope it goes well, because if it doesn't, I have no job.

On Friday, John will stay home with Imri and watch him. That is if I still have a job.

I called my mother yesterday in complete crying hysterics and I actually heard the words "mommy, please come" leave my lips. No joke. I haven't called her "mommy" in over 20 years. That's how stressed out I am. She would love to come but my dad isn't doing so well. I know it hurts her that she can't come - she drives me crazy but sometimes you need your mommy. Kind of like Imri does now.

My parents have offered to help a little with my visa paperwork (they are on fixed income and don't have much cash at all)and want me to hire a lawyer. I think it's a fine idea, I just need to find one. Anyone out there an immigration lawyer or know one?

I checked a daycare center out on Friday afternoon - I hate seeing kids lying in cribs with nothing to do. I don't want that for my baby, especially not for Imri who has made it clear that he needs attention. And they told me they wouldn't call me if he cried a lot - which worries me. I mean, I know he's going to cry. I just don't want him crying so hard that he works himself into a sweat. Is this unreasonable of me? I don't know anymore. I just don't want him that upset for hours on end.

So, I am going to check out a bunch more on Tuesday. One other may know if they have an opening tomorrow, I need to call. Oh, and did I mention the phone call with the daycare provider who told me in her raspy cigarette-hoarse voice that she loved babies because "they don't talk"?

Yeah.

I won't be using her.

On the good news front - Imri's jumparoo came (another Ebay conquest). He's in love.

Hey, I'll take small victories these days.

*sigh*

I called my boss and broached this with her:

Tomorrow I will drop Imri off at daycare as per usual, but will go back around 10, nurse and snuggle him for 30 minutes, then try to work for another 2 hours. She agreed to it but was hesitant "How long do you think you will keep on doing this?".

I wish I knew. That's what I told her, too. It's not as if I could even just let him cry (if I wanted to) - Daycare won't do it. She has other kids and is too busy.

My boss told me that was fine, we would try it tomorrow but she needs to re-evaluate whether she can keep me. Yeah. Nursing - the caring profession. Not that I don't understand where she's coming from nor am I ungrateful for what she's done so far, but hell, we've only been doing this for the last week. Give me a break. He's THREE MONTHS OLD, for chrissakes. Why are people so mean?

How I long for Canada - this is so damned unfair and stressful. Do I have any legal recourse if they fire me for something like this?

So, I may not only be losing my daycare but my job, too. I have never been terminated from a job in my life. And I can't get another one without a new visa but I can't get a new visa until I file my residency papers ... and on and on. And if that happens, we may lose our home, because we won't be able to pay all our bills and our mortgage too.

I am so beyond stressed that words don't even begin to describe it. No wonder my psoriasis is through the roof. Only I can't use anything on it because I'm breastfeeding.

I'd type more but I'm crying too hard. Sorry.


Yeah. I wanna hide too.


Update
Daycare called. Tomorrow will be Imri's last day there. She can't handle it - he needs me, she says. It's too painful for her and him. She won't do the two hour thing. She hopes I can be a SAHM.

I don't even know what to say.

Daycare saga - aka the neverending story

Imri was very good on the - wait for it - one hour and one half commute this morning. One and a half hours because Marylanders don't know how to drive in the rain. *sigh*. He slept most of the way, the other part he remained mesmerized by the rear window windshield wiper. Thank you, Hyund@i.
We got to daycare and got settled. I nursed him and left him at 7:50 on Daycare's knee, a happy boy.

At 9:00, the woman who had given me Daycare's name came by and told me she had seen Imri - he had been sort of crying but consolable. She had picked him up and played with him, then settled him in his bouncy seat and he seemed happy.

Around 9:30 I started to look at the clock.

At 10:30 my cellphone rang. I could hear him screaming in the background. Daycare said "He's been crying like this for 30 minutes. I tried to wait him out - he even took 2 oz of EBM but he is sweating from crying so hard. Please come."

I left after apologizing profusely to my unhappy boss. Imri was still crying when I got there, but those heaving tired cries, not the screams I had heard earlier over the phone. It took some time to get him settled - his eyes were swollen with fatigue and tears.

Daycare said he wouldn't nap. She bounced him, rocked him, held him, tried to lie down with him as she had seen me do - when she was with her own daughter, Daycare's mom did the same - no luck. She said he had been held almost non-stop since he arrived. He wouldn't nap. Only ate a little. Was inconsolable.

I settled him to eat as she spoke and he attacked my breast as a person starved. Listening to this I started to cry. I really don't know what to do anymore - my boss is unhappy, my daycare provider is unhappy, my husband is unhappy, everyone seems to think I'm a lousy mom for whatever reason and most importantly of all, my son is unhappy.

I am stuck. I would switch to a different job such as a night shift or weekends in the hospital, but I can't switch jobs (because of my visa status )until I file my residency papers which I am working on, but it will take some time. We need the money from my job to pay our bills, so SAHM is sadly not an option. I work fairly far away from where I live, which poses problems for having an in-home nanny, or for finding daycare closer to home. My husband works even farther away from home. We have no family in the area - my entire family is in Canada and John's is spread out across Maryland - and his mother, who lives close to where he works (and would love to watch Imri)is currently in hospital, having her other leg amputated because of diabetes and heart disease. She already lost the one leg a couple of years ago.

Imri is sitting beside me right now in his bouncy seat, yelling at the starfish that keeps spinning round and round. When I look at him, he looks up at me with a huge grin and laughs delightedly. We converse for a while (mostly laaa!! and hoo! and eeeeeeees and aaaaaaaaaaahhhhs)and he laughs some more, then proceeds to tell the kissing fish to get a room in an increasingly loud voice, much to my amusement.

I just wish I could make him as happy as he is right now, when he's at his daycare.

And thank you to all you nice folks that dropped in from Ask Moxie - I really do appreciate all input and advice, please keep it coming.

One step forward, 2 steps backward

Thank you all so much for delurking. If I had any money, I would donate to somewhere, but right now we're tapped. Sorry. Thanks for the shout-out though.

The weekend went well. Imri took a bottle from John while I was out grocery shopping - with protest, but he took the full 3 oz and wanted more when I got home. We entered Monday with great hope.

Hope came and left when my cell phone rang at work around 10:30 am. Imri is inconsolable, crying and screaming, won't take a bottle even a little bit. I asked her to try for 10-15 more minutes - she did and called me back. Nada. I went to pick him up and he was so upset. It took me quite a while to settle him.

3 hours at work. Hey, it's one more than two hours.

Daycare is stressed about him and his "neediness". Her 9 week old eats and goes to sleep for 2-3 hours at a stretch. Imri has never done that - ever. She said "we will reassess on Friday"

Work isn't happy either and I can't blame them.

I really don't know what to do and have asked Moxie and the Internets for advice. Anyone??

One of the women from my Resolve bulletin board told me that her mom ran a daycare and she fully expected the first couple of weeks with a new baby to be rough, especially if the baby is the more sensitive type. She said that baby would need a lot more holding and a lot more help with the bottle, etc - that is was to be expected. I thought so too, but maybe it's just too much for Daycare to handle with her own infant being so young.

Shit. I think I'll be looking for a new daycare center soon. Shit.

Wish us luck tomorrow.

Is it still "de-lurk" week in blogland?

I'd love to hear from some of you lurkers ... who are you? Where are you reading from? I know there are a fair amount of you (the stats don't lie, baby) but rarely do y'all ever comment. This is your chance to say "hi, it's me!". Go for it.

And an update ...

I took Imri into daycare on Thursday and just stayed with him there for a few hours. Daycare lady didn't really involve herself. She stayed nearby and watched, talked and cooed at him but let me play with him in her home so he could get used to everything. We then went into work and I talked to my boss who, while unhappy about the state of affairs because they do need me there, was wonderful and is working with me to make this work out. So it feels like a win-win situation (because I have to work, which sucks - I'd rather be a SAHM but I digress)which lowers my stress tremendously.

Yesterday I took him in as well, stayed for about 1.5 hours, then went into work with the hopes of staying 2 hours and helping out with lunch relief. It worked out well for all involved, Imri included. DL was going to call if he got very upset but ... he did well. He napped for her after she rocked/bounced him which was great. He only ate 2 oz but then he does snack and for the most part, he remained happy. Monday and Wednesday we will try from 8-12 but I will bring him in a bit earlier to settle him.

It's a gradual thing and it's working for his mommy, too. I may have to stick to 4-8 hour shifts at first, but we'll see. And I will give my husband kudos for saying "we will do whatever needs to be done, don't worry about it" because I really needed to hear that from him.

My mom agree with EVERYTHING I did. A sign of the coming Apocalypse, boys and girls. Prepare now and don't say you weren't warned.

Imri is 3 months old today. Oh, have I mentioned that Imri is wearing some size 6-9 month stuff????? And that he can put his feet on the bottom of the exersaucer so it's now fair game? And that he loves his "t|ny love" activity gym (and so do I)? And how vocal Imri is becoming, with very distinct cries for hunger ("ahhni" - is it just proud momma or does that sound suspiciously like "hungry", which is what I always ask him ... "are you hungry"?)and for just general pissed-offed-ness ("laaaaa")?? He is so alert and involved with the world around him, it's wonderful! And that I got a bunch of cool toys off a lady who lives nearby (she advertised on Craigslist and her son is 2-ish and it turned out as we were chatting that she suffered from infertility and had to do multiple IUIs?


I tell ya, we're everywhere. Be vewy vewy afwaid. And please delurk?

My not-so-good, bad to terrible, awful first daycare day

I was as organized as a stressed mommy at 5 am could be today - John helped me pack up the SUV with all the stuff I needed; diaper bag, diapers, misc. medications, onesies and wipes for the daycare, favourite bouncy seat and activity gym, my backpack with pump, bottles and hands-free bra, extra uniform, lunch bag, bag with bottles and frozen EBM ... IOW, everything possible.

Traffic wasn't great by the time we hit the road around 6:15 and we got to daycare around 7:15 just as Imri was getting fussy. I nursed him and held him and snuggled him and then fled before I completely broke down in front of him. I got to work around 8:00 after sobbing hysterically on the phone to John.

9:20 my cell phone rings. Daycare says Imri has been screaming inconsolably for 20-25 minutes, they have tried everything and will I please come? I tell the charge nurse and take off.

I get to the daycare - he has stopped crying but is fussy and miserable. He doesn't even smile when he sees me but clings to me. Daycare says he was fine for the first while, played in his bouncy seat, was laughing with the "big girls" (4y.o.) but then started fussing - he wouldn't eat, wouldn't play, wouldn't sleep. She rocked him, bounced him, tried everything and he continued to scream ... until she hung up the phone from talking to me. She said "It was as if he knew you were on the way". He took 1 oz of EBM, but that was it.
My poor baby's eyes were swollen with tears and fatigue. He was SO tired and SO upset. I tried nursing him down but he would hardly eat and every time I laid him in the PNP, he would wake after 2-3 minutes crying. There was no consoling him at all.

Daycare and I decided that it was best to call it quits for today - I am going to bring him by tomorrow (we are supposed to be M-W-F) for a couple of hours, at which point I have to go in and talk to work, and see if we can work something out for the next several days as we try and ease Imri into progressively longer days at daycare.

I started packing up my stuff- he started crying as soon as I handed him to Daycare. It's not her - she's lovely - he just doesn't want to be away from his mommy. As soon as I had him in the car seat, he looked up at me, closed his eyes and went to sleep.

We're home now (although we had a power outage since noon) and he's much happier - he wouldn't let me put him down at first, but now that we've had a good cuddle, nap and feed, he's a much happier boy. He's such a sunshiny kid to begin with ... for him to cry like that means he was really unhappy and I will NOT let him CIO at 12 weeks.
Some of the girls at work said "you're spoiling him" ... well, I don't agree. I don't believe that letting young babies cry and cry and cry is the right thing to do (that's how I feel, others may disagree). I know my son better than anyone does - I knew this was going to be a difficult day because I didn't - and don't - think he's ready for daycare. But we need the money from my work.

Anyway, hopefully work will be understanding and let me do some half days as we ease Imri into this new arrangement, otherwise someone else better volunteer to pay the mortgage.

I can just hear my mother tonight when she calls to see how the day went ... "well, if you had just left him outside for a while ..."

Nipple nipple, who's got the nipple?

Imri took a bottle from me and from John yesterday - I had gone out and purchased #2 @vent nipples in the hopes that it would work better than what we had ... and it did. Much rejoicing resounded throughout the land.

Today I confidently attempted a repeat. All he'll do is gum it. John is trying right now with the same results. *sigh*. I really don't know what to do. And I just bought a good-sized lot of @vent bottles and nipples off of Ebay. Ah well.

Imri's been hanging off my tits today. Seriously, the kid hasn't stopped and oh boy, are my nipples sore. I'm guessing 3 month growth spurt. Which would explain his needing to eat frequently through the night lately after a brief (and much enjoyed) jaunt of 4-5 hours of sleep at once. Oh well.

I hardly slept last night as I lay in bed, looking at my sleeping son (and husband) between 1 and 4 am. Sleep finally came around 5, when John rose but by then it was too late - time to rise and shine with early-riser boy. I'm pretty darn tired tonight, add to it that John came home late because his mom is in hospital, and Jr had been his shmucky teen self (caught him lying again) and I'm plum worn out. I'm sure the reason for my lack of sleep is my meeting Sunday with the daycare person.

Daycare (and work) start Wednesday. She and Imri got along although he was fussy with her. He's been more fussy than normal of late (definitely growth spurt stuff). I'm still (and so is she) worried about the eating thing. I don't know what to make of it at all - he took it twice in a certain kind of bottle and nipple, then no more. Then twice more with the new stuff ... and no more. Both frozen EBM and freshly expressed stuff. Maybe it's just coincidence. I'm sans answers. Maybe it's the growth spurt thing but I honestly don't know.

I don't want him to starve at daycare (thank you all for your input on this) and my kid being the stubborn boy he is (what, you think he inherited that from me??) might just go on strike. Fortunately, I work 10 minutes from the daycare, but still ...

And yes, of course in some small (or not so small) part of me, I really hope he doesn't take the bottle at all and I have to stay home with him. Absolutely I do. Don't be silly. Gods, I'm tired.

(Do you think I have enough parenthesis in this entry?)

and a Happy New Year

A small story from the other day - I ambitiously took Imri grocery shopping. Not a quick in and out, either ... but a serious order. He started fussing about 1/4 of the way through. I took him out of his carseat and held a nearly 15 lb baby in one arm, pushed the cart with the other. That was much fun and lasted until he got very hungry. He refused the bottle of cool breastmilk I foisted upon him, no matter how I tried. He got fussier and fussier, angrier and angrier and progressively more vocal about his situation.

Three quarters of the way through the Gi@nt Eagle found me in the paper goods aisle, sitting with half my butt gingerly parked on the shelving between large packages of B0unty paper towels, my shopping cart piled high with groceries and partially in front of me, obscuring the view as I breastfed my son.

The only thing that surprised me were the nice comments I got from some moms that walked by, smiled and basically said "you do what you have to do!". I was positive some mean soul was going to get nasty and do a mommy-drive-by, but I was pleasantly surprised at the support offered. And Imri was delighted at the availability of warm breast milk. There you have it.

We've been trying to get Imri used to his crib and its been hit or miss. Miss, mostly. The young man in question does NOT like being separated from his mommy. And daycare starts next week *insert howl of anguish from mommy here*.

Last night, Imri had his bath, then ate (only one side), fell asleep in my arms and I put him in the crib. That lasted 20 minutes. So, more rocking, he ate much more, singing, etc. Another 10 minutes. Then finally he went down for about an hour. I rejoiced but still ...that brought us to 11:30pm.

Considering that the night before he had us up every 15 minutes on the hour till 1am and the couple of nights before that weren't much better, I considered myself lucky and dragged my sorry and exhausted carcass to bed, avec my son, fed him and we both crashed. I guess I'll just keep trying to push it later and later. John hasn't been helping much over the last couple of nights because of the &^#%*@ college football games. Oh and his new DVD recorder/new computer. Whatever. I'm not doing this alone.

Yeah, you may be hearing some bitter. The husbandly one and I are having some issues, especially regarding his coping mechanisms which seem to be on a short fuse usually and more so of late. Not to mention the lack of smoking cessation. And, it seems the shorter fuse = more smoking than usual. And butts left on our driveway to multiply. In general, his shorter fuse makes me unhappy - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells some days and I don't like it, neither am I impressed.
Add to his smoking, the abundant family history of diabetes and heart disease (serious heart disease), as well as his eating habits - and hey, I feel like he's throwing away our years together. And if you read this (he usually doesn't venture here) my love, that hurts me beyond my ability to tell you without causing us further grief.
The following is an open letter to the love of my life. SKIP DOWN if you don't want to read my maudlin diatribe.

You are my sweetheart, my beloved. We got a late start on this love thing, you and I, which makes the time we have together all the more precious. You are the reason for so much of the happiness in my life. I love you with all that I am, and what I'm seeing you do to yourself hurts. You are killing yourself and I say this as your wife and as an RN.

I want to grow old with you. I want us to watch our son grow into the amazing and wonderful young man we know he is going to be, get married (if he so chooses) and have children - our grandkids - and for you to actually be there to revel in that sweet joy. And I want to be able to love YOU. Not your memory, not what we had, but you in the flesh and blood, even if we're both wrinkled, crinkled and scratchy. I don't want my senior years filled with visits to your headstone.

Yes, this diatribe is full of "I" statements, but it's you who is being selfish ... Imri needs his dad and I need my husband. And I am filled with fear, true fear, that I am losing you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday far far too soon for us.

I don't like airing our dirty laundry in public but I need to get it out somehow without either of us getting angry and defensive. I've suggested joint counseling and you've shot that down but I don't know what else to do to reach you and tell you how worried and scared I am. This is not exaggerating, sweetheart and deep in your heart, you know that what I am saying is true. I love you so much - please don't do this to yourself and to us. Please quit smoking. Please.

OK, END DIATRIBE.

On to other and better things - Imri has found his hands. This realization has helped him sleep in the crib unattended, I believe. He can self-soothe a bit now so I am quite happy. And on the "other" and not "better" - daycare starts next week when I return to work. Ack. We are meeting the daycare provider this Sunday in her home, just the three of us. It will let her get to know him, etc. However ...

Small problems with the whole daycare issue are these:
1. He doesn't sleep well alone and he still startles readily.
2. He won't take a pacifier.
3. He has stopped taking the bottle. (I went out and bought some new/other nipples, hth)
4. He likes being held. A lot. and he really likes interacting with people, not so much with his activity mat.
5. He's a snacker. Doesn't usually go for long feeds.

I think my kid is gonna fail daycare. Oy.
Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?


Found my hands!



Happiness



Out cold after a long fun-filled day