Most of the people who read this blog have come here from the shores of infertility or subfertility. Most of us have experienced difficulty with conception, pregnancy, or carrying to term. Some have had to use various degrees of technology to create what I assume most of us thought we be the simple act of reproduction. Most of us have suffered losses that could shatter your heart. Some of us have chosen to adopt. Some of us have chosen to let the dream fade. And the shades thereof are stunning - so many of us have traveled a path no one else has walked.
Maybe it's the "shades thereof" that makes it seem that there is a continental divide in the infertility blogosphere regarding pregnancy itself - which I don't understand. I don't get the hostility - maybe that's a strong word but it's there so I'm using it - towards pregnant women.
I know how hard this journey has been for me - that's all I truly understand in depth. I don't pretend to understand everyone else's pain but some things strike me as being odd. For example, what's with this supposed aversion to pregnant women rubbing their bellies? Why is that such a big deal? Personally, I deal with Braxton Hicks on a regular basis ... I rub because it feels better. Why are we only supposed to understand the side of the current infertile on this?
What's with the horror at seeing pregnant women at baby stores (or anywhere else, for that matter)of all places? I mean, really. I don't understand the visceral reaction to "seeing" pregnant women. Some of us who have suffered greatly are here now - is our past pain and current worry so much less than other's suffering just because we attained that elusive grail?
I do understand the pain ... the only time I ever felt a need to comment was after listening to a visiting drug rep at work blathering on and on about her pregnancy - and I do mean on and on ... I left the room at one point and came back later and she was still yammering in this oh-so-bright voice...when I had just come back from suffering another miscarriage. It was raw and visceral and I nicely asked her to take her conversation elsewhere. You would have thought I had two heads by the look she gave me but I didn't give a crap. But just seeing her there wouldn't have bothered me- if she had kept her idiotic yap shut.
But the bitterness ... it raises the spectre that no matter how close some are to actually having a child, or bringing one home - that the pain doesn't go away for them. And that saddens me more than I can explain.
There are things I would never do. For example, I would never bring a child to an RE's office unless it was absolutely, unavoidably necessary and I can't see that ever happening. I think that's way too painful for too many people. I would never go to an RE's office and sit in their waiting room in my current condition ... hell no. I never volunteer information about my pregnancy but I will answer questions if asked (and I am asked all the darned time, I deal with patients every day).
I try to be patient - I hear the "how old are you" in people's voices when they inevitably receive the answer to "Is this your first?" - but I also hear the "how exciting!" when I say "yes, it's our first at long last". I dealt with the insensitivity of people who just didn't understand that "relaxing" wasn't going to make this pregnancy happen (even from my own family, which has dealt with stage 4 endo, adoption and other miscellany and still doesn't "get it"). Or the silence from friends and family who didn't know what to say. And on and on ...
The incredible sorrow of being infertile- that I understand completely - it needs no explanation. But the sheer raw bitterness of some out there eludes me, even those for whom solutions and answers are imminent. Do you understand it? Because I would like to understand.
17 comments:
I have never understood the bitterness. I have had moments of envy, bitter-sweet, but always with a sense of admiration and longing, not meanness.
Sara:
You said what I have been thinking for a long, long time. I don't get it either, but kudos on a good post!
When I was going thru IF treatments, it never bothered me to see a baby, hell, I WANTED to see babies, to hold them and stuff. I was tryig to get one, after all! PG women didn't bother me, but I felt a bit jealous, I also had some sick desire to stare at them! And the belly thing, I do it all the time. I do remember, however, going to the RE one day and there was a young woman with a very young child (not even 1 year) in a stroller with her. She did go sit in the corner, but it was totally inappropriate in my opinion. I tried to justify her behavior--even in light of all the polite signs explaining why this is not a good idea and why the practice asks you NOT to bring children--stil, I was unable to...she sucked!
Anyway, yes...the bitterness, wow! It's out there, that's for sure.
Here's another thing I cannot understand...parenting after IF boards? Once you have your baby, is the baby somehow different because of the IF treatments? Honestly, I don't get it. If women want to continue talking after their babies are born because they feel comfortable with these particular women, that's one thing, but should resolve use resources to provide a "special" Parenting after PG after IF BB? Personally, I look forward to getting perspectives from lots of women out there about my baby. Why limit myself to just those women who have had IF issues...to me, this presupposes that non-IF women don't know how to raise babies and don't have valid opinions. I don't think that's true!
Well, don't want to go on and on, but wanted to say that I am with you!
Well, you know i'm not infertile. Or better put, I've never tried to get pg so there's hope. I have a right to feel empathy and dislike though, and it's pretty unavoidable. And I also feel entitled to my feelings bcs the blogs are public. But since I'm not an infertile and blood is too often drawn, i keep mum.
Manuela and I have often talked abt this. To me, it is always heart-warming when infertiles say what you just did - and kudos for your balls, woman, must be all that wasabi up your nostrils! I am so often upset when I read those entries abt pg women - I understand the bitterness to some extent but not the double standard. Infertiles are allowed to bash pg women, forgetting that some of those pg women are infertiles, and are entitled to demand that warnings be posted on others' entries should it concern baby stuff. But I never see a warning that might warn those who are finally pg - those who do not even dare to breathe, do not dare to believe, and feel terribly guilty bcs of all the others.
I know exactly what you are talking abt. And I mean, literally EXACTLY. We seem to be reading the same things and thinking the same thoughts. I think a lot depends on who you were bfr the diagnosis, what sort of person you are, what your mental structure, your weaknesses, your strengths are.
I like to think I'd not be too bitter, I'd like to think my joy for others could overcome the inevitable jealousy. And bfr anyone thinks to tell me I can't know till I'm there I'll say: true enough but IF is loss and we've all had loss. I won't mention my psoriasis and what it's put me through bcs I have a better one - my best friend was killed in the tsunami. Not for a second have I begrudged others their life, not for a second do I become bitter that others survive accidents and bombings when he didn't. In fact, I am grateful they do, so very grateful. It helps, see, not all was lost and their families and friends will receive miraculous news, and we should all be so lucky. No one should ever have to feel what I do, EVER. And to hear IF women say, as I once read, that once IFs get pg they should no longer expect the same undestanding and empathy and solidarity bcs RESOURCES ARE SCARCE is shameful to me, deeply disturbing bcs of what lies underneath it, and these women should no better. Everuone should. No grief, I don't care what anyone says, NO GRIEF entitles you to do and say whatever you want to regardless of others and their feelings. I am a bit tired of suns shining out of arseholes, really I am.
(Am I daft or what? I've mentioned Manuela and don't even know if you know her. Sorry. http://www.manuela.blogs.com/)
I must admit, I am wondering if you are talking about me, given you commented (a very kind comment, I might add) on my most recent blog entry, a ridiculous rant of the "how dare anyone but me be pregnant" variety.
I know it was an infantile outburst of epic proportions straight from my id, my inner 6 year old having a herculean tantrum.
Are those the only feelings I have regarding my friends who just gave birth? Absolutely not. They are wonderful women. I am incredibly happy for them and eager to meet their babies. But I am jealous and feel that it is unfair that my arms are empty when I have been trying for well over three years and they tried for 2 or 3 months.
I think that many IF bloggers rant on about the inner-child stuff because our blogs are the only outlet we have for our most primal feelings of jealousy and unfairness. I, for one, won't even share these with my husband or my dog. They are too ugly. Those feelings are not the only ones I feel - when I see an adorable little girl, I simultaneously feel "how beautiful she is", happiness, and pain. When a friend gets pregnant and talks about her pregnancy, I simultaneously think, "I'm so happy for her," "I can't wait to see her baby," and "why couldn't it be me? I've been trying much longer." As adults, we are allowed to express all the positive things to anyone we want, but the negative emotions we must keep to ourself. For many of us, the Internet is the one and only outlet we have to acknowledge these negative feelings.
Susan, just so you know - I wasn't talking about you. I think your pain is very real and very visceral ... my due date from my last miscarriage was a month ago - that very personal and awful pain never goes away. You may call it bitterness but sadly, your pain comes through in your writing clearly, as if you're screaming up into the sky.
I am so sorry you're hurting so much.
Dearest Sara,
I, too, commend your honesty about such a hard topic. I can only give my experience, but I think it may ring true for others...
Some people just have an easier time escaping bitterness. You must be one of those blessed. I was not given that gift. I've been married almost 8 years, and to watch so many others get where I want to be... it's hard. Yes, there's a lot of pain. But there's also an anger that it's not you.
Voila: bitterness.
I'm not saying it's right. God knows that I've gotten so upset with myself for being bitter over a friend's pregnancy. But there it is. I think it's an understandable sin... so much is being denied to those struggling in IF, and though it's clearly not the fault of those who live struggle-free, I understand the jealousy.
It's difficult to covet. It's a hard thing to come to grips with, and a result is often that hurt mixed with the anger of "why me?"
I'm sure no one really wants to direct that anger at PG women, but perhaps they are the symbol of what that lack, mourn for, and covet.
I don't know if I helped explain "bitterness." I wish it, like the other evils (and they ARE evil) of infertility, didn't damage the hearts of those who are infected with it.
My pity goes out to the bitter, and I pray for the salve of healing, because I was there once, and am grateful for those that understood that and were kind to me.
-D.
I am afraid that might comment might be hurtful to some wjho atre already hurting. I think bitterness is unavoidable but I see more than that, I see posts that are simply cruel to many who are not even given a warning simply bcs they are now pg so they should be just grateful. And that warning is so often demanded and given the infertiles. The double standard bothers me deeply, women who suffer bcs of a certain behaviour inflicting it upon someone else.
A blog is a powerful outlet and all are entitled to do write what they want, and I hope it helps, I truly do bcs I cannot imagine the suffering behind the bitterness. And I can even respect the need for meaness, no-one is good and clean and above it all all the time - but then the standard must be held for all and all should be extended the same courtesies. THAT is what bothers me the most.
I am so hoping you don't think my post was cruel or cutting or unkind. I truly am trying to understand.
BTW, you have never struck me as being bitter ... I honestly don't think you live that way. Sure, "why me" goes through all of our minds at some point - not just about pregnancy but about all of life, I think. What I don't get are those who live in bitterness all the time, even when the attainment of the grail is within grasp.
Infertility SUCKS ... and as you said so well, I wish it didn't damage the hearts of those within its spider web.
PS - I'm sorry I'm not responding to each of your comments, but some of them stand alone and need no commentary.
Lioness - I think you write from the heart and not with any intention of hurting ... sometimes even with the best of intentions some get hurt and heaven knows, I think we are all trying to avoid offending or causing more pain.
I do agree with you about the double-standard and I wish it didn't exist. But then, I wish infertility didn't exist either.
You know, I wish I didn't feel the bitterness-it's one of the ugliest, nastiest, soul-destroying parts of infertility.
For me, the pain of seeing visibly pregnant women hits me because I think (even now I think this, how weird is that?) "that will never be me," which causes all sorts of feelings of bitterness and envy.
I was thinking, though, that we need to get some sort of identifying bracelet or something for women who have gotten pregnant after infertility, as a secret sign to other infertiles still struggling. Because I have to say that despite my feelings in general towards pregnant women, once I learn that the couple had a hard time getting there (instead of just having an Insta-Baby), all that bitterness fades away, and I am just happy for them. Like I am for you--belly-rubbing or not!
Wonderful blog and clearly it's resonating . . . you're getting lots of comments and support.
I think you've hit on a thread of "group think" mythology. The truth is there are no norms for how women feel--about pregnancy, parenthood, infertility. We are all individuals . . . and navigate these waters with . . . some confusion, some passion . . . some grief and some joy.
I like your blog. Best wishes for happiness and joy--you have much to give.
Dougal's Mom (not Dougal--just using his blogger ID to sign in)
Infertility conjures up so many loaded negative emotions; I think how and where that energy is directed is based on the individual. That said, I think an otherwise very non-bitter infertile can have days from hell when an obnoxious insta-mom sends her over the edge and she just needs to rant. When I was pregnant though I read a few malicious posts about pregnant infertiles on other blogs and that made me scratch my head - when I was undergoing my umpteen IUIs and IVFs I craved success stories more than chocolate...I couldn't quite understand why bitterness would be directed at women who were simply farther down the same path.
Great post, Kinneret.
Donnie sums it up well, but as a current infertile, I can say...it is me sometimes.
I have gotten so much better since I joined the Resolve bb (your BFP was one of the 1st I saw and your blog was the 1st I ever saw and what inspired me to blog - however few people read it). Before, I felt so alone - the only one who couldn't get PG.
I know now I'm not alone. I also know PG women are certainly entitled to complain, no matter how much we go through to get there. I know we all say we won't complain, but who are we kidding? Just because we suffer to get PG doesn't mean we won't experience pain in PG!!!
I do much better now with PG women. I get a little jealous and sad, but not angry like I used to. I like looking at others' babies.
The difference is I now have hope that one way or another, I'll have a child. Even after a failed IVF (and during the 2ww of my 2nd), I have that hope. I believe because my DH has consented that we can adopt if IVF doesn't work. I also realized that my desire is for a child, not the pregnancy experience. That helps a lot.
Some women never get over not being able to be PG, even if they adopt. I think that is where some bitterness comes.
And some, quite honestly, enjoy being miserable, making others sad, and causing pain.
Sorry for taking so much time...and I am a different Jen than the other that posted - I'm JenR from Resolve!
Hey girlie... I left this on the PGIF board, but it moved really quickly yesterday, so I'm not sure if you saw it. Leaving it here just in case:
I was thinking about sending you an email, but that would mean GETTING INTO my email account, finding your addy, and then writing an email.
I'm way too lazy for all that, plus I know you're on here pretty regularly, so:
Of course I don't think you are cruel or anything else... I think your post was brave and very thought-provoking. It made me really think about where bitterness comes from.
I may have tried to refrain from *acting* on my bitterness, but it lived in me. It was an ugly part of me that I was very ashamed of, but could not deny. I truly did admire people like you, and my best friend Kat, who made no relationship with what other's had to what they themselves lacked (and of course, there IS no relationship).
I've always tried to be more zen-like in my acceptance of life's cruelties, but I'm forever in the "trying to do better on that" category. It was so eye-opening to read the view of someone who had lived through the cruelties and not been damaged in the same way.
Good for you for asking other's opinions. You sparked a lot of conversation, and I think that's brilliant.
Hugs always,
-D.
Sara,
Ironically I just stumbled upon your blog while peaking on the PG bulletin board to see what the PG women talk about.
Just this week a heated discussion occured on the IF board about when the PG ladies should stop posting as it upsets some of those still ttc.
You touched on a sensitive subject but worded it most eloquently.
I think this bitterness is heartbreaking...being unable to share in the joy of someone who has experienced IF means we have really lost touch with reality.
I have finally cured my addiction to the board!!
Tina
The world of blogs makes being bitter somewhat easier. In fact, I am a dreadfully positive person, but I am sure reading my blog people would think I am a nutcase.
My pain of IF has tugged open a soul which wants nothing more than to be a mom. It has conjured up feelings and despair that I have never known. I find my blog as a way for me to cry and vent this pain so that when I log off, I can sew up my wounds and get through my days -- most of the time in a positive way.
I find that my bitterness to pregnant women comes from the fact that I may never know that miracle. I can handle and love babies....I know eventually somehow I will have a child (i.e. adopting), but for some reason that "pregnant belly" view kicks me in the stomach and tugs open my IF wounds...leaving me bleeding once again.
I am ashamed by my bitterness and envy, but my blog is the ONLY place I can verbalize my despair.
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