Thank you to those of you who commented and sent well-wishes - much appreciated. I re-read my words from yesterday and I guess that whole L&D episode scared me more than I thought.
As I lay in that L&D bed, all I kept thinking was "26 weeks. Fuck, it's too early. I know it's viable but it's too early. He needs to cook longer. Fuck." That was pretty much it until I managed to drown out the panic with an episode of SVU that I actually had never seen.
It's interesting. One of the women at work turned to me the other day and said "you've had SUCH a difficult pregnancy!" and I was shocked. I haven't, not really. Sure, lots of little things have gone awry like the swelling and the carpal tunnel and the melasma, contractions, the Rh factor, and various other miscellany - but a difficult pregnancy? I don't see it that way. Of course, they all think I'm a bloody hypochondriac there, but that's ok.
They've never had to deal with reproductive issues, obviously. They've never had to live with the fear. And none of them have been pregnant with their first viable baby and going on 40 years old. They keep comparing me to the other nurse there who just gave birth - she is early 30s, fertile and completely healthy. I think they forget how old I am because I act childishly ...
Newsflash ... being a mom changes you. I see it in all my friends, it makes you "older" (for lack of a better word)in your thinking. Not for everyone, but still, I guess I don't seem that "old" to them, even though I've been a stepmom for 5 years. And we won't get into that at all these days other than to mention that John let Jr cash in the piggy-bank he's been saving since he's been 3, even after we discussed it (John says he doesn't remember)and said no at the time. Instead of telling him "get a job and you'll have money". Say no more.
But back to pre-digression ... I don't know if I'll think "old" ever. I've never been a typical thinker, I don't fit into groupthink or groupspeak - even when I want to, I usually fail miserably. So, I'm not sure I'll be that kind of mom.
Frankly, I'm not sure what kind of mom I'm going to be and it worries me. I'll probably suck ass. Too strict about the wrong things, too lax about the others. But the dreams ... they are vivid.
A dark-haired baby, looking up at his mobiles and laughing, sleeping in my arms, being cuddled, being loved, being read to and sang to and tickled...
A little boy with dark hair and blue eyes poring over a Narnia book or a telescope, laughing as he rides his bicycle. Laughing and calling out "Mom!! Look at this,Mom!!".
Mom. Someone is going to call me "Mom". With all that simple name entails.
How incredible is that? When I think about it, so much of everything else just vanishes. Except for the tears.
8 comments:
Hi Kinneret - I've just now stumbled across your blog. Since in your last entry you asked people to say Hi, I thought I would! My story: turning 37 in 6 weeks, 26 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first (a boy). It took us two years to get pregnant, with one miscarriage along the way, but nothing else that was particularly dramatic. I'm a dual citizen with Canada, currently living in Maine. Was surprised to read about the Braxton-Hicks contractions you had this week - I had no idea they might start so early. It certainly makes me think twice about the huge gardening/digging project I am currently in the middle of, which is fairly demanding labor-wise... Anyway, good luck to you - I'll check back in occasionally.
The sweet little someone calling you "mom" wow! It makes me want to cry. It all seems so far away for me. I'm very happy that you are getting closer and closer to this reality everyday.
This also highlights for me the difficulties with being a step-parent. Yesterday, I spent the day running around with dss, going to the library, taking him to my goddaugther's first birthday party, watching him spill smoothie on the carpet in my car. And at the end of the day, he's all "I want to see my moooommmmy." "Can I see my moooommmy?" This has got to be the most thankless job in the world.
You will always be young as long as you feel/act so.
I, too suffer from the dastardly BH contractions. I'm 26 weeks and they hit me every evening like clockwork. So bad I have to lie down...and worry...and worry. Ergh. I wonder if people who got pregnant 'normally' worry about these things?
You know, you managed to write such a toned-down post, and then that paragraph abt listening to the heartbeat, it didn't occur to me to actually be afraid for you. I must be off my rocker! Let's hope I didn't leave a daft comment - if I did, please, please forgive me!
It's very easy to be callous when on the outside but a 1st time pregnancy in an almost 40 yo woman who's been battling IF is no small thing, so they can stuff their calling you a hypochondriac where it very well pleases them!
Jr... *sigh* You'll never win this and you'll make yourself go mad in the process. I'd say spare yourself some grief, it must be horribly frustrating.
[Wasn't "Trace" horrid?? What was she thinking?? I think Cornwell has lost the plot, literally, it felt like she'd got someone else to write it for her, I used to love the Scarpetta books. Plus, that Benton re-surfacing, am not so convinced abt the reasons behind the whole thing. I loathe it when writers kill a joy I've learnt to take for granted!]
Oh beautiful.
You'll be a fantastic mom. I know "moming" and you've got it, kid.
I'm about to email you RE the link for my little blob. Talk soon!
-D.
Kinneret it sounds like you had an incredibly scary time over the weekend. I hope that doesn't happen again - or not for another 14 weeks! Glad to hear things are back to normal, and very touched by your vision of your son.
Kinneret I'm so sorry you had to endure such a scary episode. I too have been sent to L&D but for other reasons (crazy high BP, wild platelets) and it scared the daylights out of me. I'm happy to read those BHs went away and please- please- rest!! Easier than said, I know...
Not very long ago I was feeling just as you are now- so worried about keeping Simon in there cooking. I was disappointed to get to the third trimester and find out that the worry doesn't go away but rather it gets more raw - more real. I always figured if I could get to 24 weeks I'd be home free but as you know that is SO NOT the case.
As for your unenlightened coworkers, ICK. I'd say just ignore them but know full well that's just assvice. Being immersed in that mentality would make me bonkers.
Your dreams will become a reality - you're almost there and you're doing great...and I have no doubt at all you're going to be an incredible mom. Hang in there (feet up)!
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