Thursday, March 17, 2005
Nightmares
Last night I had a dream. One of those dreams that is so realistic that you wake convinced that what you dreamt was real.
I dreamed that something was terribly wrong with my baby. That the docs told me they could see a dark spot during ultrasound, that it was some sort of weird named thing with hair and teeth, and that there was only a 2% chance that my baby would be normal.
I was remarkably calm and chose to terminate, rather than risk bringing a severely brain-damaged child into the world. The docs showed it to me afterwards and it was exactly how they described, not a normal looking fetus at all. I was angry after, and went around informing everyone on the infertility bulletin board. I remember sadly removing the lilypie ticker from my desktop (yes, I do have one. Laugh if you will). At work, people's main comment was "again?".
I woke up. I camly went to the bathroom and looking at my body sadly, realized that it was only a dream. And finally took a deep breath again. Not before knocking most of my prenate vitamins into the sink, of course.
So it seems Fear is still running around his playground, even though Hope is sitting on the swings, sticking her tongue out at him ...
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4 comments:
What a terrible dream. I'm glad you woke up and it was not reality.
Take care.
Have I told you that I love your blog and your writing? Well I do! I would have totally freaked if I had that awful dream! I still do freak at bad dreams. I hope that you don't have them anymore!
Hi, best of luck to you. I am a registered nurse who on November 29th 2004 gave birth to a baby girl. I did not know I was pregnant until I went to the emergency room. I only went then because my wbc was 30000. I was feeling a little unlike myself. I work with all nurses and they didn't know either. I think that as nurses we have an amazing ability to completely focus on our patients and deny what is right before our eyes. I am 39 years old and have never used birth control. I had resigned myself to not having children and was quite happy (or so I thought) with my decision. Many times over those nine months that I was pregnant I thought to myself, this is what I would look like if i was pregnant, this is what I would feel like if I was pregnant, but I never really thought or believed I was. I remember feeling what I now know is the baby moving and self diagnosing it as hyperperastalis and then grieving privately because I was never going to have a baby. Her movement felt like skippy gas bubbles not the strong kick I could only imagine other people who have had babies felt. If you string all my symptoms together it screams pregnancy but I was able to rationalize each symptom into something else. When my stomach started growing I called my best friend (also a nurse) and asked her if she thought I could have a total abdominal hernia. I consistantly worked 4 twelve hours shifts a week up until 2 days before I delivered. When my water broke there was no gush, just an oozing of clear fluid. I contributed that to a bursting ovarian cyst simular to what I had experienced a couple of years ago. My water burst on Wednesday, I worked on Thurs and Friday and finally delivered on Monday. From the time I found out I was pregnant until I had a baby girl was 2 hours. I consider her a miracle. She will be 4 months old on the 29th of this month. She survived no prenatal care and was dry for 5 days. Miracles do happen and you are due for one. I wish you the best. My blog is at www.belladawnsmom.blogspot.com.
Thank you Julianna - it really shook me.
Mandi girl - thank you! I've heard that pregnant women do have vivid dreams, who knows? This is about as far as I've ever gone! LOL
Yvette, thank you for your story! That's quite remarkable. Enjoy your baby girl :)
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