On hunger and love

Wow. A day without "morning" sickness. Who knew? It was lovely and enjoyable. I did have some "low blood sugar" moments ... if you know that feeling where you feel like you better eat something soon? And when I got home, even though I had snacked all day, I was utterly ravenous and cajoled John into ordering pizza. I snacked on (light)nacho chips and olives until the 'za arrived ... oh, and the Greek salad I ordered, too. MMMmmmmm feta cheese.

Pizza toppings were as follows: Canadian bacon (of course!), tomatoes, black olives, mushrooms and feta cheese. Usually I order onions too but I didn't want to push my luck.

I got on the scale this morning. Oops. I've already gained about 10 lbs. SHIT! Now I gain weight extremely easily, this is a fact. But still!!! Unfair. Mostly from cutting back on my water intake, drinking lots of soda (ginger ale) and eating all the time, even crackers. *sigh*. Carbs are my downfall. I really don't want to be enormous and definitely don't want gestational diabetes. But it's like I just can't control myself.

Now the only down side of not experiencing "morning" sickness is the fact that I am now worrying that something is wrong. I realize how silly that is ... wait. Actually it's not, not really. It's like every time I talk about the possibility of actually going to term, when I say "if I have this baby" rather than "when". The pregnant girl at work rolls her eyes when I do this. Too bad for her ... I live within my own experiences, within the experiences of other in and subfertiles ... and there is little if anything we take for granted when it comes to pregnancy.
Because anything can ... and has, happened. Because nothing is for sure. Because I *am* 39 years old. Because I've been through miscarriages, an ectopic and even an abortion when I was younger. Because I've survived an abusive and violent relationship. Because my life has taken many twists and turns to get here ... and there's little I'm taking without a guarantee.

Except for John's love. Because amidst any uncertainty, he is the one constant. A wonderful, amazing constant.

MY OLD MAN

My old man
He's a singer in the park
He's a walker in the rain
He's a dancer in the dark
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
My old man
Keeping away my blues

He's my sunshine in the morning
He's my fireworks at the end of the day
He's the warmest chord I ever heard
Play that warm chord, play and stay baby
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
My old man
Keeping away my blues

But when he's gone
Me and them lonesome blues collide
The bed's too big
The frying pan's too wide

Then he comes home
And he takes me in his loving arms
And he tells me all his troubles
And he tells me all my charms
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
No, my old man
Keeping away my blues

But when he's gone
Me and them lonesome blues collide
The bed's too big
The frying pan's too wide

My old man
He's a singer in the park
He's a walker in the rain
He's a dancer in the dark
We don't need no piece of paper
From the city hall
Keeping us tied and true
No, my old man
Keeping away my lonesome blues

J. Mitchell