678!!!!!

Holy shit, Batman!
Dr Baby's nurse called me around 1pm. I was already on "shpilkes" (Yiddish for being on tenterhooks) because she called the first beta result to me by 11am. I was thinking the very worst, perhaps the nurses were drawing straws to see who got to give me the bad news. Especially as I had some spotting this morning.

So, when the phone rang, I nearly fell over myself trying to answer it. She said "the numbers are good" and was going to leave it at that! I had to ask(of course) and she told me ... 678! I am so utterly blown away.678!! That's more than double. It's higher than it was for the third serial beta for my first(miscarriage) pregnancy.

I called John immediately and the joy in his voice was palpable. Maybe I'll start knitting again. Maybe it's ok to hope again. Maybe this is it? Or am I setting myself up for pain yet again?

It's weird how that doesn't leave you. We bought a new car recently, a Hyundai Tucson, and while I had it at the shop the other day, I noticed it's manufacture date. Nov 5, 2004. That was the day I found out I was pregnant the first time. Maybe it's only weird to me ...

I want to rejoice so very much. I want to scream it to the rooftops and dance, and tell all my friends and family, the way we did the first time in that haze of delight. But I don't dare. It nearly slips out ten times a day and I catch myself and murmur "Oh no. Not yet." And that makes me sad in a way I've never felt sad before -sad, tempered and restrained.

But here, on these pages, I can dance, shout my joy and rejoice. Please dance with me?