Things I did today

Relaxed and took it easy in the morning because of feeling poorly yesterday and leaving work early. Man, it was good to luxuriate in the "alone at home on a beautiful day" feeling. I know it won't happen again for a while.

Found out that Home Dep0t claims the nursery carpet will be in tomorrow. Right. The doors we ordered won't be in till mid-October. Supposedly.

Ordered my Land's End diaper bag.

Mailed shower thank-you notes.

Picked up Dreft, another cute outfit for His Highness, a bunch of stuff for the hospital (moisturizer, lip balm, pjs, etc) and some printer cartridges, one of which is defective. *sigh*.

Packed my hospital bag. (!!!)

Got the infant car seat installed. (!!!!)

Picked up my SIL's bassinet and a pile of baby clothes.

Started washing all baby clothes for under 9 months of age and towels, washclothes and receiving blankets. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Folded said baby clothes etc neatly and have packed them away from marauding cats.

Came to the realization that there will be a baby living here very very soon.

Might I possibly be nesting?

It's all in the numbers

I'm feeling good, really. Other than tired, which is to be expected, I assume. My bladder won't let me get away with more than 3 hours of sleep at a time for the most part. And baby boy is active and hiccoughing, which is cute but a touch annoying. Especially at three am. Currently his foot is firmly placed, heel first, against my right upper quadrant.

Have I mentioned how much I adore feeling him move? It really is the best thing.

The OB was concerned about my headaches, but I think they are coming from my neck - no surprise there, really. He decided that he wants me to come in this coming week, which basically means that from here on in, I'm being seen every week. He also insisted on another growth u/s which rocks, especially as it's my primary OB who will be doing it - that's the following week at 36 weeks - and probably will be my first internal exam. Nerve-wracking but exciting, nonetheless. I'm going to start having to deal with terms like "dilated" and "effaced". Ack.

My bloodwork came back well - while my platelets are still low - 116 - that's still up from last week's 105 and my liver enzymes seem to have decided that normalcy is a better way to go. I concur.

I'm having a tougher time with my sugars though, and remain a tad baffled at how eating a half english muffin with canadian bacon and cheddar cheese with a juicy peach will not spike my sugars at all (86), but give me some form of dinner with 1/2 cup of (light)ice cream and see me go through the roof to 150-160. I won't mention McDonald's french fries - nor the Royal avec fromage. Nor the Cold Stone Creamery visit this afternoon. Hey, I had a salad for lunch ... I *should* be able to have some ice cream now and then. I left half in the freezer, I swear. I'm really hoping my sugar will be good after this.

My biggest problem (ok, debatable but still)is that I don't usually eat desert immediately after dinner but I have to check my sugar 2 hours after the start of a meal. So, if I don't eat desert (and that means fruit or other sweet stuff) pronto after mealtime, it screws my sugar monitoring up. Or, I have to wait 2 hours to have it, which when you eat dinner at 8pm, isn't conducive. Not to mention the "before bedtime snack" I'm supposed to enjoy right before shut-eye. It's frustrating.

Now seeing how I don't really spike from fruit, I've been increasing my fruit intake a little bit. Plums seem to be ok, peaches (small to medium) seem to be fine. Apple need to be small and grapes do need to be measured out. I'm good with that, I just want some fruit, damnit. Meat and cheese are getting old.

It's very hard to stay good in my pasta-loving family but I've been trying. Mostly I'm too tired from 10 hour days on my feet to cook anything other than pasta - and because I'm so brain-dead these days that I forget to take anything out of the freezer in the mornings.

I sorted all the outfits we received from various peoples and I have a large pile of sizes, ranging from 0-3, 3-6, 0-6, 6-9 and even some 6-12 months. We have onesies, pants (yes, we received pants, Stace), sleep gowns and sleepers. I have a pile of blankets, including a "swaddle me". And it's all in my living room because the nursery isn't ready yet, although John has put up some of the wallpaper border (Classic Pooh, of course) and we had to order more. Oops.
Here's the pile o clothes and blankets:










And here's some more of the stuff we got, including the lovely rocker/recliner I got for 10 bucks at a garage sale and below, the dresser/armoire I got for 20 bucks, also at a garage sale.


























Oh and Donnie asked for belly pics ... here you go, sistah. I am officially enormous.





































This will be you one day soon, Donnie. Believe me. I didn't think it would happen to me, either! Note the innie. Ahem.

Gratitude

I'm off to the OB's shortly. Not sure what to expect - I think it's too early in the game for an internal although I'd really like to know if I was dilated or effaced at all. Yes yes yes, I *am* a control freak. Please. This is not news.

I'm going to stop and have bloodwork done first. Yes, I've resisted having it done till now, I'm a good girl.

On the home front ... things are better with Jr. We finally hashed it out this weekend, and while I'm not expecting things to remain stellar for long periods of time, I did throw in a few "there is enough love in this family for four" and "we're excited about you being a big brother" and other similar comments into the mix. I do think it helped. We also took Jr shopping where my acumen served us well in terms of both fashion choices ("My best friend thinks these jeans are COOL! He wants some just like them!!") and financial choices - thank you JCPenneys for providing both sale items AND an extra 15% off for us loyal customers. I became cool (very short term, I know)for allowing TWO pairs of jeans, a shirt AND a jacket - and all name brands.

We also purchased a few baby items just in case we didn't get enough onesies, socks and outfits. HAH! We also bought an infant bath tub and some extra sheets. Just in case. Oh, and did I mention the adorable Redskins outfit we got?? John was beaming.

Let me tell you folks about the baby shower ... it's hard for me because I keep bursting into tears. The people I work with were extraordinarily generous - I mean that. So much off the baby registry that my mind is utterly blown - the Kolcraft stroller, the pack n play, baby monitor, baby swing, bouncy seat, Baby Einstein stuff, CDs, extra infant carseat base, Avent bottle set, Aquarium crib toy and tons of clothes, diapers, wipes, outfits ... and a gorgeous sweater knitted by the nurse manager. I'm missing bunches of stuff, I know. I was in tears most of the time. One of our nurses made a "diaper cake" - layers of diapers and washclothes all rolled up and tiered to look like a cake - and covered with baby novelties and little things like pacifiers and bibs ... amazing. I've tried to post a pic of everything but had to cut out some of the enormous pile to protect the innocent. You *can* see the diaper cake on top.

We are tremendously grateful - there is no way we could have ever afforded all this - my living room looks like a baby store. There is no way I could ever say thank you that would express exactly how heartfelt it is, that would cover how truly grateful we are.

John said in his usual laconic way (after he closed his mouth that had dropped open at the sight of everything)"they must like you". I guess they do. They really do.

In case you read this - thank you - with all my heart, to each and every one of you. It means more than you know, more than I will ever be able to express. We are very blessed to have you care so much about us and our baby.

It's mostly good news

A quick post as I am rather busy this morning - my work shower is today! I am truly excited.
Good news - the 24 hour urine came back negative. I called the doc's office and spoke with the RN, gave her my name and her response "oh, I know about you!!" said in a nice way but ... oy. Good thing I'm always very nice to the nurses there. Or anywhere, really.
I have the slip for bloodwork and I'll get it done this weekend or Monday - I definitely feel less pressure now that the urine came back well. And my next appointment is Tuesday, so hopefully all will remain good and happy at Chez Chaos. Well, relatively so. We're still dealing with the stepson who is being a nearly complete ass.

I'm feeling pretty good except for almost constant upset stomach and tummy issues. Other than that - nada. My baby boy is a mover and shaker ... can I tell you how much I adore feeling him move and stretch? He doesn't kick a lot, just moves around and it sends me into some weird sort of smiling place. I'll lie there at night and watch my stomach move and shake, feeling rather Ripley-ish and glad I know what's in there.

We went out and purchased carpet for the nursery (ack! nursery! Ack! I used the word!!) as the current carpet is messed up and one corner has mold on it. Yeesh. Since we purchased it AND got a home dep0t card, we now have the power to charge even more renovations and get more stuff done. Scary. We may be able to order closet and pantry doors, too. Don't want to dig that hole too deep, you know?

So, feeling better and more optimistic on this end. I'm trying to ignore the teenager for the most part - it's my feeling that he is acting out because he is feeling his world change - 12th grade, baby on the way, no more "only child" status (he isn't at the biothing, she whelped a few), no more "apple of daddy's eye" status, etc etc ... but John doesn't see it. Yet. Still it's no excuse for his lousy behaviour - and John has to start dealing with it appropriately. And now, not soon. I'm close to my breaking point and I'd really like a peaceful last month or so prior to His Highness's arrival.

Alright, time to split. The nails MUST get done, you know. Thanks for the encouragement and for coming to catch up on me.

Update on Hypochondria

I called my OB's office yesterday, wondering what in tarnation had happened to my lab results, whereupon the nurse told me they didn't have them back yet. Yours truly questioned this because 1)hell, it's a pre-eclampsia workup and 2)isn't anyone in that office keeping track of my status?

Yeah, I was kind of annoyed. Even if it comes out to be nothing - what would a woman who didn't have a clue about her health have done so far? Seriously, I wasn't - and am not - impressed. At least I know what to ask and what to expect, up to a point.

Anyway, the nurse told me she'd call for the results. 90 minutes later I hadn't heard anything so I called back and she told me she was waiting for the doc to go over the results. I've been a nurse for a while - that told me there was indeed something to "go over".

My primary OB called me back, bless his heart. I love that man - he knows his stuff and when he talks to you, you feel like you're the only patient in the world. He's the reason I'm with that practice to begin with.

So here's the conversation.

OB: Hi Kinneret ... I'm looking at your results - tell me why we did these tests?

Me: Well, the doc I saw last Tuesday said that between my (relatively) elevated BP (128/80), the proteinurea (trace), the swelling and visual disturbances that it wouldn't be a bad idea.

OB: Hmm. I probably wouldn't have run these based on your history... but we have so here's the thing - did you do a 24 hour urine?

Me: Yes, yes I did. And the doc didn't have my chart last time because they couldn't find it.

OB: I have your entire chart here (sigh of relief from me). They didn't run a total protein on the urine which makes the results pointless. (Please note my growing silent incredulity over the phone)However, your platelets are low ... and one of your liver enzymes is slightly elevated. I want to repeat the bloodwork for your next visit and we'll try and get the lab to run the protein on the urine - if not, you'll have to do a 24 hour urine again, I'm sorry.

Me: It's no trouble (hahahahahaha!! I SO want to be toting around another cooler full of pee at work!!) but what exactly are my platelets and LFTS (liver function tests)?

OB: Let me see here ... your platelets or click here (for the more medically inclined)are 105 but you've been low before. Your ALT (liver enzyme) is 42 ...normal is 0-40. Nothing I'd get excited about normally but taking everything into consideration, it's worth a repeat.

At which point I asked him "so I'm sensing there's nothing to worry about here" and to which he answered carefully "well, let's repeat these tests and see what we get - right now we don't have enough information to determine anything".

So there you have it. I called the office this morning and the lab will indeed run the urine again ... and I will do the bloodwork once they send me the form. I'm hoping it's nothing, obviously and feeling pretty comfortable with my primary OB at the helm of this.

Hypochondria being what it is, I am trying very hard to stay positive, think good thoughts and not imagine phantom pain in my right upper quadrant. I'm actually feeling good for the most part, except for intermittent bouts of feeling crappy. If you do have any experience with this, either pre-e or HELLP, please share your thoughts with me? I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

Celebrating life

I never know if I should blog on September 11th anymore. Talking about our wonderful L&D tour yesterday seems rather trivial if you take everything into consideration, especially in light of Katrina.
I will quickly mention that the L&D department of the hospital in our small town has been completely renovated and is absolutely GORGEOUS. I mean it. Complete with brand new positionable beds, knowledgeable RNs- if our tour guide is any example, birthing balls, and squat bars. Yes, ladies and gents ... squat bars. Because, as the RN said "lying on your back to give birth just doesn't work well". Who knew that even here in Redneck country they were paying attention?.... oh, and a level II NICU. Which is nice because Level II starts at 32-33 weeks and guess who just hit 33 weeks? Yours truly. It's good to celebrate life on a day such as today.

I was thinking of posting this piece which I wrote 2 days after September 11th, 2001. I was working ICU at the time at Big Hospital in Baltimore and we emptied out, expecting casualties from both WTC and the Pentagon. The hardest part to accept for a very long time was that no one came. There was no one left.
One of the strangest parts of that day was going home after my 12 hour shift ended - we hadn't expected to go home, we thought we'd be swamped. But I drove home on I-95 - there were maybe 4 other cars on what is normally a packed highway. And we were all doing the speed limit. Funny how those things remain with you. Those days are the reason I listen to news radio in my car, not music. I re-read my words ... so much innocence still remained even after such a horrific disaster. I'm much more cynical now.

Here is what I wrote 4 years ago:

I was at work in the ICU when someone said something about the World Trade Centre. No one really paid attention at first - after all, the ICU is a busy place. But I walked into my patient's room and the TV was on ... just in time for me to see the second plane crash into the WTC.

I called out to some of the other nurses "Oh my god!!!!!! A plane hit the WTC!!!! ", not realizing that this was the second one for a few moments ... watching in absolute horror and stunned silence. After all, this stuff happens only in movies, right? Where was Bruce Willis? But as panic filled the airwaves, the realization sank in - this wasn't a movie. This was reality, harsh cold and bitter - and hateful. Doctors and nurses started running into our ICU rooms from the OR, people crowded around the TVs in utter silence and disbelief, watching the videos over and over as if hoping to glean some understanding, hoping that this wasn't happening, that no just god would ever allow something like this to happen.

We cancelled our OR cases and the docs kept coming in to watch the news. I can't and never will forget the looks on the faces of my fellow nurses as the extent of the terror unfolded - looks of horror, disbelief, fear
... and tears. There were a lot of tears here, tears from doctors and nurses who truly thought they had seen it all. We kept hugging each other, trying to make the pain stop to no avail.

The shock hadn't set in when we set ourselves to the task of becoming a possible disaster zone. We cleared out all non-critical patients in anticipation of the wounded. We organized and took solace in busy work, trying not to think of the reason we were doing this.

And then the Pentagon. My heart stilled a moment. John. His work is on a base not far from there ... an important base. I ran to the phone ... other nurses were calling their husbands, brothers, fathers. John's voice mail - please please please let this be only because he is away from his desk. I left a frantic message. 5 minutes later he called me back, safe and sound. His voice never sounded as sweet.

I called my parents. My mother was hysterical with worry ... we tracked down my brother who was supposed to have been in NY at WTC for business this week. His trip was cancelled. Toronto seems like a better place these days.

My mother said words that keep ringing in my ears ..."We lived in Israel for 10 years and we never came as close to this as you did today. " It's true. I felt safer there. I never felt fear as I do today.

Israel declared a day of mourning, Israelis in the streets were in tears.

The Palestinians were dancing in the streets and handing out candy. Check out Salon.com's article. Oh yeah, and the AP has pictures of more than just a group of kids dancing in the street too, which is what Arafat is claiming is all it was. There was a large gathering in Nablus. Only the AP won't release the pictures because of terrorist threats.

It doesn't make me feel good to say that, to reinforce what Israel and Israelis have known about terrorists and terrorism for so long. It's not "I told you so". "I told you so" has never left the taste of ashes in my mouth.

But the US is bonding together, brought closer by this horrific tragedy. At work today in one of the newspapers was a full page colour copy of a waving American flag with the words "One nation, undivided ...". I took it and hung it on the wall right at the entrance to our nursing station. Most of us were fighting back tears.

And I've been that way since this happened. Fighting back tears or succumbing to them often, without reason. Sobbing. Unable to understand. And I don't understand, I don't. I never want to. I save lives every day. Who could do this, what kind of hatred does this to a person that they could plot and carry out the deaths of perhaps 10,000 innocent civilians, people who did them no wrong other than be a different religion, different nationality, different skin colour.

This evening I sat watching TV once again, unable to pull myself away from the horror, the plane diving again and again into the flaming towers, the collapse, the horror. Tears came hot and bitter as I watched the president of Cantor Fitzgerald sob on national TV as he told of the 700 people, coworkers and friends that he lost on Tuesday. 700 out of 1000 people. He wasn't there because he took his 5 year old child to her first day of kindergarten. The guilt, the pain on his face. How do we cope with the enormity of this horror?

In the end, most of the patients ended up going to a different ICU at our hospital, one that has greater experience dealing with severe burn patients. Military helicopters kept landing, ambulances kept coming in that day, sirens blaring. But other than that an eerie silence. The part that probably hurts most is that we should have been filled with patients. But they're finding no one. No one. We can save no one. And gods, does that hurt. Please, let us save someone. Please.

I try to take solace in the patients we do have, the ones that we are saving, now and everyday. But it's so hard. I feel helpless and I still can't stop crying. Even now as I type this.

People turn to faith at times like these but I, I stand here, fist to the sky and scream "Why????" "If there is a god, a just and loving god ... WHY???????". No such god would allow children to be orphaned, no such god would tear people apart like this, no god would hurt those good souls who rushed into the buildings with no thought other than to save the lives of others. I have no faith in god, no. No. Not anymore. Not ever again. I have lost what little faith I still used to cling to at tough times and the pain of loss grows greater.

And I find myself restored in humanity, in the faces of firefighters and EMTs and nurses and doctors and the thousands of volunteers out there right now, where I should be, searching and working till they drop from fatigue, yet still holding the ember of hope in their hearts. Thank you, all of you. I hope you all understand how much what you're doing means to me.

My heart goes out to the victims, the survivors and to all of us. We are lessened because of this. We are strengthened because of this. We are more human for it. I mourn for our loss, not just a loss to the USA, but a loss to the world. This planet will never be quite the same.

Be safe and hold your loved ones close.

Notes from Hypochondria

I find that yet again I must thank my readers for their support and kindness. This is a good thing - not only does it show that my readers are wonderful (and you are, each one of you), it shows that my mother raised me properly and with good manners. So much so that I called her the other day and apologized profusely for everything I ever did to her when I was a teen.
Yes, the situation with the teenager hasn't improved. Ah well. I will mercifully spare you the latest. Suffice it to say he lost his mp3 player for a couple of days despite his cries of "you can't take that, my MOTHER gave it to me". Watch me, you little shit. Sorry. There goes my BP again.

I've heard nothing about my 24 hour urine yet and I'm taking the "no news is good news" as gospel, ignoring the fact that I didn't bring it in until Thursday morning and meaning that results most likely won't be ready till Monday. But I am being positive about this and I feel that it will be ok. I've also tried to convince myself that I don't see bright lights in front of my eyes, that I'm merely a hypochondriac, but since it happened yesterday again, I'm having difficulty with that whole river in Egypt thing.

I do see wispy things and dots in front of my eyes and figure those may be "floaters" but seeing bright flashes and lines of light ... well, it wasn't my imagination. I took my pressure at the time at it was 114/70. Not bad. On the same machine I usually read 105/60, so nothing too worrisome. Hence my belief that all will be well with the urine.

My glucose has been pretty stable and I will once again say how glad I am for the care and follow-up I am getting from the nursing hotline. Also, a sincere thanks to Beaver Girl for her support on this - it's rare when someone understands "exactly" what you mean. Thanks, babe. It means mucho.

I have alternated between feeling pretty good and feeling damned awful, awful to the point where I've thought "ok, let's look up the symptoms of HELLP in my old maternal/neonatal nursing textbook (which is now a bazillion years old). I have some of the symptoms, but not all ... nausea - sometimes check, malaise - check, gestational hypertension - kind of check, edema - check, proteinuria - check.
I do know that when they did bloodwork for me on 24 hour urine day, they did not do a coagulation study. I'm guessing they think I'm in Hypochondria too.

Probably the thing that has spun me into Hypochondria the fastest is my growing lack of confidence in the care I've been getting at my OB's. Between the loss of my chart ("oh look, I've lost 4 lbs!" "Really? I wouldn't know, we can't find your chart" ) and their seeming lack of knowing what I'm scheduled for and my diagnoses, in addition to chart omissions (see previous posts)...well, I feel like I'm the only person who really gives a damn/knows squat about what is going on with me. That's not a good place for a worry-wort.
And it's too late to find a new OB, really. I'm not ready to do that.

I have made one executive decision though - if these tests come back poorly, my next phone call Monday morning will be to the perinatologist. Because if I come back pre-eclamptic or anything along those lines, I'm not trusting my OB's office to do it right.

Looking at the bright side ... tomorrow I will be 33 weeks. It's almost safe to go back in the water ... or in this case, surfactant, which is my main concern. It would be nice to avoid a NICU stay and I'm very close to that cutoff line. That fills me with hope.

I really didn't mean this to be doom and gloom - it's not. I'm feeling good this morning and am looking forward to our Labour and Delivery tour today - it's exciting and nerve-wracking in a sweet way. My baby boy is an active lil guy and I enjoy feeling him move - to me it is truly one of the sweetest feelings in this known universe. Watching my belly undulate - well, I could do it for hours. He can kick me as much as he likes - nothing better, from my perspective.

I am definitely slowing down these days - I see it in my walking, at work, and in general. I honestly never thought I'd get slower as this pregnancy progressed - I'm not sure why I thought that. And a couple of women have said "have you dropped a little?" - hard for me to say, I don't really feel it but the doc did say that I'm carrying low per ultrasound.

And next weekend is my work baby shower. It's very exciting for me ... a woman who had come to accept that she would probably never have a baby - and here I am having two showers for this very very loved child. I am so very lucky.

I'll probably end up fooling everyone, myself included, and go to 41 weeks.
Any takers on that bet?

Update from my OB visit

I got to my OB's to find that no one knew about my scheduled ultrasound and they couldn't find my chart. *sigh*. I'm really having trouble with this practice.

Anyway, after waiting over one and a half hours and arguing with the receptionist about said ultrasound(!!!) I finally had my growth u/s. Baby boy is doing well but he is at the 84th percentile for growth - measuring nearly 2 weeks ahead. That is not wonderful if I want to have a regular birth although OB didn't think he'd be more than oh ...say ... 8 or 9 pounds if he continued at this growth rate. Uhuh.
The good part of that equation is this - if we have to go early, he'll be a decent weight. I'm definitely taking some consolation in that matter, thanks Stacy.

She said we wouldn't absolutely do a c-section unless we were looking at 10 lbs (!!!!) but said I could have one if I wanted one. I didn't take that any farther. Yet.

She saw my swollen feet and tut-tutted, saw my BP which is now 128/80 (I'm normally 110/60), heard about the little spots of light in front of my eyes and ordered a 24 hour urine test - that should be fun at work tomorrow. They also ordered bloodwork and I reminded them to check my thyroid function ... *sigh*. I'm getting tired of reminding my OBs of the basics.

The good news is that I've lost 3 lbs and the baby is doing well and pointing in the right direction. My amniotic fluid is good. She also said he is riding very low and asked if I'm feeling a lot of pressure - which I am.

So ... I was hoping for better news, but it certainly could be worse too. I'm starting to think this baby will come early and via c-section.

Just one more thing - it's very overwhelming. I'm trying to stay optimistic and cheerful but it's not easy ... I know I sound like I'm whining - there are women going through SO much more than I am. It just feels like a lot - but then again, I could be in Louisiana and going through the same thing. THAT would be bad.

There are so many positives here, sometimes it's just hard to see them from where I am sitting. Hence my reasoning that I'm fighting depression.

One of the nicer things to happen today is the phone call I received from the nurse telephone line that's monitoring my gestational diabetes - just calling to touch base and tell me that my blood glucose has been great! That was so nice - the RN really made me smile.
I told her about my lunch today - I treated myself to Cheesecake Factory - had Buffalo wings and a salad. Only to find out that there was orange juice in the wings "just for a touch of sweetness" - said the waiter proudly after I had finished a bunch - and that the salad I ordered had a large amount of noodles in it. Oops. I ate what I thought was reasonable and my sugar was 112 2 hours post-lunch, so I did good. She was proud of me but not in a sappy way, which made me feel alright. Maybe I am getting the hang of this GD stuff. Maybe.

Oh, and I ordered cheesecake for Jr and John ... both in flavours I don't like. No temptation!! I am so good. I really wanted to order the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake or the Godiva one ... but I refrained.

So that's my story. I wish it were better, but if nothing else, please wish me luck with the 24 hour urine thing. I could use a break.

And the Oscar goes to ...

me, for an outstanding performance in the role of "who, me? depressed? hahahahahaha, you've got to be kidding", without giving it away to my dear husband, who has no clue.

Yeah, I think I am. I mean, I'm functioning and everything but I'm a complete emotional basket case and feel inadequate and near to tears all the time.

GD sucks. I'm having a tough time with the emotional aspects of restricted eating - I have food issues, folks. Big ones. GD makes it very hard. I know I need to suck it up and get over myself but ... hell, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.

The thought of a c-section is scary but I've sort of made peace with it. Sort of but not really. I'm afraid I'll miss out on the whole birth experience, as this will likely be my only child - and I really don't want to miss out on anything. And that is a big deal. So, maybe I'm fooling myself with this "at peace" thing.

It does bag me another 2 weeks of stay at home time with His Highness which is a shitty way to look at it and yes, I do think the United States SUCKS in regards to moms and maternity leave and if you think that makes me an America hater ... well, bully to you. Have a nice day, thanks for flying Air Chaos. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way to the next blog.

I go to the OB's today for a growth ultrasound just to make sure His Highness is doing well and is not humungous and I will talk to the doc about c-section options, etc. I just wish I knew what to ask. Who the hell died and made me the expert, anyway? I want my mom!! Or someone, anyway.

I do, yanno. It's weird. I called her yesterday and apologized for all the awful things (and they were many) I ever did to her when I was a teenager. Yeah, I may be slower than most, but I finally get it, especially since I've been dealing with the teen lately. His father finally saw some of the behaviour too, so some of the monkey is off my back. But yeah, Mom was pretty teary when I called her and apologized. She does keep bugging me about "when should we come down" (they're in Toronto) and I told her that I *may* have more answers for her today. But really, I don't know. And I don't want them here a month ahead of time, either. Oy.

Mostly, I feel badly for my baby to be. I'm sorry, kiddo. I really don't have a flying clue what I'm doing here and you're about to bear the brunt of it. I really am sorry.

I just wish this cloud would lift.

All resentment, almost all the time

I'm in a slightly better mood. Slightly, I said. Between the teenager who has decided that I am the weakest link and the hormones, the GD, the creeping blood pressure, the swelling, joint pain, insomnia, the State of the Union, the death of Rehnquist, and everything else in my life, I've been attempting to remain wholeheartedly jovial.
Of course, John (he of the trigger fuse) loses his temper whenever Jr and I disagree, no matter who is at fault (yes, I'm usually to blame, you know) which doesn't help. At all. The other day I turned to my beloved husband and told him that *I* wasn't his kid, and if he had a problem with me, he could address me privately, in a different tone and certainly not in front of the child.

Yes, all is as usual at Chez Chaos.

The stress of raising a child who is not your own, hormonal, and whose other parent does their righteous best to poison the child's mind against you, is difficult. And that's putting it mildly. Not to mention my own hormonality and issues. Those of you out there who are step-parents know of whence I speak, especially if you're dealing with teens. Life isn't bad all the time, but it can definitely be challenging.

Everything I read about bringing a baby into the world talks about what a special time this is for the couple, yada yada, peace and relaxation before the babe arrives, yada yada, bonding and love, yada yada. Sure, if you ignore my soaring blood pressure because of a certain teenager and the husband's soaring blood pressure because of the tension. Allegedly. He's most likely hypertensive anyway.

It doesn't seem to ever be enough. No matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough. And that, my friends, is the crux of it. It should be enough. I try very hard with him, very hard indeed. Are there things I could do better or differently? Sure there are. Do I wish that in some ways I was a different type of parent? Absolutely.

I think about that a great deal - I don't delude myself into thinking that with His Highness, all will be bright and utopian and wonderful, and that I will be the best mama in the world since time began. No. I am well aware of my limitations, and they are many. But I will have some form of say in this new relationship with MY son, I will not be discounted and vetoed.

I will be the one to hear "I love you, Mom" no matter the shitty job I do. And I figure that if Jr says that to the biothing with all her poison, I may actually hear that from a child of my own, perhaps even said with greater sincerity than the offhandedness with which I hear it tossed from Jr's lips when he's on the phone.

Does that sound childish? I don't know. If it is, so be it. It's real. I feel it. I wonder sometimes if that was part of my impetus to have children at this late stage of the game. If so, is that awful of me?

It's just so very difficult to try so hard and get nothing in return other than constant arguments and resentment. And the resentment goes both ways, make no mistake. I wish John would back me up on these arguments more frequently, but I am sure than he is tired of it too.

He would rather avoid confrontation though. He would rather pretend all is hunky dory and well, pretend Jr is still 10, still coddle and give him an allowance (in 12th grade!!!!) than insist he get a job, or a driver's license, or make sure he help around the house, etc etc etc. The kid hasn't even looked at college applications yet, he'd rather look at video games. It's my humble opinion that John is doing his son no good by enabling this type of behaviour.

And then again, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the hard nose without understanding or compassion.

I'm going to try and make today a good day and not worry about Jr. Let him be his Dad's responsibility. I need to focus on my very active and kicking son.

I've also decided that if there is indeed one Supreme Being, she has a kick-ass sense of humour in allowing all this shit currently upon the world to multiply and grow ... while GW Bush is president. That swinging pendulum has come back to kick us in the collective asses. Yes, it adds to my anxiety level. I'm that kind of girl.

Thank you for listening. Oh, and I'm eating an apple. It tastes like contraband.

Get off yer asses

It's been a tough week for anyone with a pulse and a heart. The pictures out of New Orleans are difficult - to the point that I can't watch TV without a pervasive sense of anguish - so I don't if the hubster (aka: news junkie) has the tube on.

I am so angry at our government - who seems to always find money to send to other countries asap but did nothing in New Orleans until the news media reported women being raped and babies dying in a largely African-American poor population. Is it me being cynical or does it seem to you too that cities with a larger white/affluent population got aid first?

What gets me deep inside is that the Bushies diverted money that was supposed to go into fixing the levees in N.O - after many studies that had told them that the levees would fail a major storm or hurricane. I mean, really. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. And with all the warnings we've had over the last few years about increasing hurricane and storm activity - by withdrawing funding, they basically condemned people to death. And yes - I have no love for Bush or any of his disgustingly corrupt cronies, but this goes beyond that. I expected our military/National Guard/whomever Bush hasn't sent to get killed for a war we shouldn't be involved in/ to be in N.O within a day or two, the way we were in Indonesia. What happened???

If you really want to look closely, take a peek at the person running FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Bush fired James Witt, a FEMA and disaster aid professional who had turned the agency around but was a Clinton appointee (oh, the horror!)and put his crony, an inexperienced Joe Albaugh in to run the agency. It was an unmitigated disaster. He then appointed Michael Brown, an estate lawyer and another friend and crony to run things. We all know how much estate lawyers understand about FEMA. I mean, they teach that stuff to lawyers, don't they? Right up there with tort law and contracts ... they have a section on "managing a disaster". Right. Read a bit about this here.

I've actually heard people rail on about how dare those New Orlean's folks expect us to cover their asses when they live under sea level ... NEWSFLASH - a large part of the Netherlands (Holland to the uninitiated) is under sea level and they have an elaborate dyke and levee system which they tend to regularly.

Not to mention that the building of N.O started some hundreds of years ago before the concept of "sea level" had hit. I suppose you could use that same rationale to prevent aid going to California when the big one hits. "Heck, they knew about that fault, their problem". If you think that way, then you don't have the aforementioned heart.

There are many sites out there with good links to donate - and donate what you can, folks. The fine folks at Go Fug Yourself whom I adore, have an excellent list, just to mention one. Day writes a poignant entry about her own experiences with Hurricane Andrew. Cecily has a list going of interesting reads and options for donations - check out the comment section too.
We are broke and seriously so, but I am rounding up old clothes, stuff I was saving for a garage sale like dishes and a perfectly good but older coffee maker, unused house paint and painting supplies - anything I can find that I think will be useful. If we can do it here at Chez Chaos, more than likely you can too.

And yes, I am still grumpy and uncomfortable and generally not feeling well. In case you couldn't tell.