Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Double digits
Yeah. I've made it to 10 weeks and to steal from grrl, NBHHY. Or, for those unfamiliar, "nothing bad has happened yet". It took me a while to figure that one out. I'm not the sharpest knife in the butcher block, yanno. BTW, go read grrl while you're at it, assuming you never have. She says it a lot better than I ever could.
Yes, I'm pretty overwhelmed today. The whole double digits thing has me going. And, I'm starting to "look" pregnant, even to me. Sure, I'm not exactly svelte to begin with, but ... there's a definite change to my body. Thicker, somehow. And I can't suck my stomach in any more. Freaky. I won't even talk about my boobs, which have suddenly seemed to develop a fondness for Madonna's cone look. Jesus Murphy.
I'm freaked out for any number of reasons, the first being "holy shit, I may actually have to birth this child", while others are slightly more pedestrian. Such as "ummm, you've changed a total of maybe 2 diapers in your life", "how the hell do I bathe a baby" and the ever-popular "what the hell am I going to do with said (alleged) baby once it gets here??"
And the more mundane "what if the testing shows something bad??". Yeah, ever the optimist. That's me, alright.
It's difficult, because no one seems to understand that there's a dark cloud that is always hovering on the horizon. Sure, it's gorgeous outside, the sun is shining and all looks well, but there's that damned cloud ... again. At work everyone expects me to be happy and bubbly about this pregnancy - so I try my best because I don't want to hear another damned lecture about pessimism. Damnit, I have GOOD reason to be pessimitic!!!
I'm Jewish!
Not to mention all the other crap I've been through. Yeah, that.
So, I'm going off to donate multiple vials of blood to my OB shortly, and I'm truly in a good mood ... just a tad frightened and trepidatious. And wondering when I'll be able to relax and just enjoy this. Probably not till after the amnio, huh? If all goes well.
*sigh*.
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5 comments:
Kinneret -- I am happy to read that your pregnancy is going well and that you have even started "showing." I totally understand your cautious optimism. I am only 3dpiui and I am already making DH schedule his business trips around our next IUI.
There is so much to be worried about when having a child, I think all of your concerns are completely natural.
I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you soon.
Chee Chee (Judy)
Congrats on double digits! You will be a great mother. Even if you are freaked out as many of us are. :)
Kinneret - I won't tell you to relax and enjoy it because I know it doesn't work that way. Just keep putting one foot down in front of the other. That's all it takes.
Phew!
NBHHY!
Jen/VintageUterus
I'm so glad I found your blog. I found out on Wednesday that I'm pregnant, and have been searching the web for any site where an actual person discusses this whole roller-coaster ride.
After reading your archives, I have just one comments (aside from Congratulations!). It's not just infertile women who worry obsessively about bad things happening. It's all I can think about. I refuse to believe I'll actually be giving birth in December until I actually have some real proof, besides some lines on sticks, that there's really something in there, and it's there to stay.
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