It's been a long long time ...
Where to start? With my wonderful, growing kids? My insane life? My terrible loneliness? The wreck of my marriage? I just don't know anymore.
It's hard to know which way is up. Some days I just feel like I can't breathe and there is no escape. No place in which to find greener pastures and a fresh breeze, nowhere to find a place to lay my head for a few moments and ... stop.
Our financial situation has taken a severe toll on our marriage or more properly, on my view of our marriage. I blame my husband for our dire straits ... for not managing us more carefully, for not understanding the concept of "restraint" and waiting for wants, rather than having to have them immediately. But I am not faultless. He blames me, my staying part-time while Imri was in his first year ... and fails to see that the warning signs were there long, long before that.
Carmel still sleeps with me and my husband refuses to share that bed. So sex has been non-existent ... not to mention that I am constantly exhausted. Beyond exhausted, actually. I rise at 5:45 - after being up many times with either child, get every one's lunch ready, get me ready, shower if I have time which I often don't, and take off with the kids. Drop them at daycare around 7:30-7:45 and head to work. Get there around 8:30, usually late because of traffic. Work like a dog till 3:30. Get back in the car, pick up the kids and get home between five and 5:30. Dinner occurs sometime between 6 and 7. Bedtime starts around 8 - Husband gets Imri down to sleep... and I usually fall asleep, exhausted, with the TV on and Carmel beside me.
My bad for not trying to get her into her crib/bassinet before now.
But Imri's big boy room is finished now and he slept there for the first time last night. I didn't try and get Carmel in her bassinet last night, so I guess I'm evil but I was exhausted.
Imri also started going in the potty ... not religiously but a start. He is in the throes of two-dom and is a delight when he isn't having some form of conniption.
Carmel is six months and a delight. Eating solids, wakes up laughing, happy happy child. And beautiful, too.
And my husband is bitter because we haven't had a marriage for some time now. He says two years, which is an exaggeration, of course but it is to him what it is. So any issue I bring up brings up the lack of sex, lack of adult relationship, etc. And today he throws some shot at me about making a permanent bedroom in the basement if I don't move Carmel into the bassinet soon and he just doesn't care anymore because he has nothing and has been very patient, etc.
I guess I am sitting here thinking ... "and what do I have that you don't?". I never get time for me. Never. I had a haircut at the barbershop today after Imri's haircut because I was desperate. I never buy myself anything and have no money anyway. I never go anywhere. And the infertility bulletin board which I helped administer has gone in a path that I don't appreciate so I left that.
I have no friends nearby - not that I ever get time to spend with them if I did and I am too emotionally exhausted to reach out anyway. My relationship with my family in Canada is currently very strained so no outlet there. Besides, Canada isn't even an option because of our financial situation - that's gotten messed up badly.
I'm looking for new jobs that would take me away from my family during the weekends or nights or what have you so we can lose the cost of daycare as we're sinking ... I could go on.
So it seems to me that he wants sex. And I am miserable and couldn't care less. And now I feel that I have to go there just to regain my marriage and that doesn't make it sexy.
A rat in a cage, I am. Stress and pressure from all sides and no outlet. My psoriasis is the worst it has ever been in my life.
Sorry for the downer. Not that anyone reads this anymore, I'm sure, I just had to write it all out. My kids are the only thing that make this life worth living right now. I am keeping it together, somehow. For now. It's gonna shatter soon, I think.
It's hard to know which way is up. Some days I just feel like I can't breathe and there is no escape. No place in which to find greener pastures and a fresh breeze, nowhere to find a place to lay my head for a few moments and ... stop.
Our financial situation has taken a severe toll on our marriage or more properly, on my view of our marriage. I blame my husband for our dire straits ... for not managing us more carefully, for not understanding the concept of "restraint" and waiting for wants, rather than having to have them immediately. But I am not faultless. He blames me, my staying part-time while Imri was in his first year ... and fails to see that the warning signs were there long, long before that.
Carmel still sleeps with me and my husband refuses to share that bed. So sex has been non-existent ... not to mention that I am constantly exhausted. Beyond exhausted, actually. I rise at 5:45 - after being up many times with either child, get every one's lunch ready, get me ready, shower if I have time which I often don't, and take off with the kids. Drop them at daycare around 7:30-7:45 and head to work. Get there around 8:30, usually late because of traffic. Work like a dog till 3:30. Get back in the car, pick up the kids and get home between five and 5:30. Dinner occurs sometime between 6 and 7. Bedtime starts around 8 - Husband gets Imri down to sleep... and I usually fall asleep, exhausted, with the TV on and Carmel beside me.
My bad for not trying to get her into her crib/bassinet before now.
But Imri's big boy room is finished now and he slept there for the first time last night. I didn't try and get Carmel in her bassinet last night, so I guess I'm evil but I was exhausted.
Imri also started going in the potty ... not religiously but a start. He is in the throes of two-dom and is a delight when he isn't having some form of conniption.
Carmel is six months and a delight. Eating solids, wakes up laughing, happy happy child. And beautiful, too.
And my husband is bitter because we haven't had a marriage for some time now. He says two years, which is an exaggeration, of course but it is to him what it is. So any issue I bring up brings up the lack of sex, lack of adult relationship, etc. And today he throws some shot at me about making a permanent bedroom in the basement if I don't move Carmel into the bassinet soon and he just doesn't care anymore because he has nothing and has been very patient, etc.
I guess I am sitting here thinking ... "and what do I have that you don't?". I never get time for me. Never. I had a haircut at the barbershop today after Imri's haircut because I was desperate. I never buy myself anything and have no money anyway. I never go anywhere. And the infertility bulletin board which I helped administer has gone in a path that I don't appreciate so I left that.
I have no friends nearby - not that I ever get time to spend with them if I did and I am too emotionally exhausted to reach out anyway. My relationship with my family in Canada is currently very strained so no outlet there. Besides, Canada isn't even an option because of our financial situation - that's gotten messed up badly.
I'm looking for new jobs that would take me away from my family during the weekends or nights or what have you so we can lose the cost of daycare as we're sinking ... I could go on.
So it seems to me that he wants sex. And I am miserable and couldn't care less. And now I feel that I have to go there just to regain my marriage and that doesn't make it sexy.
A rat in a cage, I am. Stress and pressure from all sides and no outlet. My psoriasis is the worst it has ever been in my life.
Sorry for the downer. Not that anyone reads this anymore, I'm sure, I just had to write it all out. My kids are the only thing that make this life worth living right now. I am keeping it together, somehow. For now. It's gonna shatter soon, I think.
Labels: and just plain old crap, financial woes, marital woes, potty training
posted by K|nneret at 8:57 PM
17 Comments:
Just so you know, we're still here waiting for you to write.
I've been a faithful reader long before you started this blog, and was wondering where you went. I'm very sorry things are so hard for you right now. I hope things start looking up for you very soon. *hugs*
BTW, I recommend this book 'The modern mom's guide to dads'. I just started it and so far it's REALLY good.
Sometimes life is just putting one foot in front of the other...I hate that.
And, yes, I've been lurking, waiting, hoping things were going well, but, honestly, doubted they were b/c 2 children under age 3 is overwhelming. I did it, so I know--and those were not happy days.
It sounds like you're doing the best you can. Unfortunately, with 2 small children, adult wants & needs often have to wait. (Grow up, John.)
I could write a novel, but I won't. I want to hug you, but I can't. So instead, I will tell you that the feelings you describe are normal, given your circumstances.
Small children - financial woes - little time for yourself - little time for your spouse - little (or more appropriately, NO) sex life, lack of sleep. This stuff happens. I've got my own issues. Lots of them.
If I dare make a suggestion: Please get Carmel sleeping in her own bed. When she is down for the night, spend time with your spouse. I know you may not want to (I know I don't a lot of times) but your marriage is important for you, important for your husband ... and get this ... IMPORTANT for your children.
I'm far from perfect on this front. There are a lot of things I'd tell you if you were in front of me that I'm not going to write on your blog. But, you can always e-mail me. :) (geojenna@cox.net)
K~
I've been waiting for you here, always hoping you are well. I wish I was there to give you some breathing room, and a genuine solid hug. I'm sorry your exhausted and overwhelmed, I can relate to so much of what you're feeling. I'll be sending you thoughts of strength and love darlin.
Peace~
Karen
It's me...ajdub a.k.a. Julia's Mom from the board a long time ago. I peek in on you anytime you write. I just don't comment often as I am lucky if I have the chance to read ;)
Financially I get it. Emotionally I get it. Hang in there is so trite. So cliche so I won't say it. Instead, make one change for you. Pick just one thing that would help to make you happier. And do that. Then when you are done. Do one more. Eventually you will pull yourself up, dust yourself off and the old, albeit improved you will be there staring at you in the mirror.
Thinking of you always, as we have already "matched" our children for the future ;)
Love to you and Imri and Carmel!
Amanda & Julia
ajdub
Yep! I'm here too, K. I remember being 25 with 2 kids under 3, everybody expects you to be tired, broke and sexless. I think age plays a factor. When we hit 40 there's a whole different level of expectations about our lives.
Nurture yourself - the rest will follow. I promise.
My darling friend,
I have a direct inlet into you, so I will save my explicit advice for that avenue. But I want to tell you that I am here and I hear you. I hear your fatigue, your fear, your hopelessness. All is not lost. I'm going to try to help you tread water until you are free floating again.
This too shall pass. You can aim for a better direction.
I always read your blog. It's my intimate connection to your inner space, and I like it here.
Love,
Di
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry things are so hard. I do buy what others have said, no matter how overwhelming the children are, it's essential to do some maintenance on your marriage on a regular basis. If you can spare any energy at all for that right now, I'm sure it would pay back dramatically.
rdland here- I also read your blog. And though I only have one child I could have written your post. Financial woes beyond control, marriage issues (or lack of a marriage anymore), and I never get anything for me. My last haircut was in Oct. Dh on the other hand gets his down monthly. I just don't have the money to spend but he does.
Please know I am always here for you. afilby@juno.com. I have always loved reading your posts and I am here for a shoulder to lean on at any time.
Oh we're still here...and we still love you. I wish I could drive up there and hug you myself. Hopefully you know I'm doing it now, in my heart.
I hear you on the marriage issue, you certainly know my history and we're in a down cycle as well. I'd like to blame the cosmos, and think that it's everyone, but it's not. It's us, and them, and we're just going to have to either walk our way through it or make other decisions.
I continue to walk. I'll drag you along virtually if needed. I love you. I'll call you later. I'm thinking of you now and always.
Love you, Sister of my heart..I'm so sorry I have been trapped in my own world down south here. I have not been a very good friend.
Hi K!
I was thinking about you the other day so I found you on your blog!
2 kids can be so stressful and 2 as young as yours are can be downright brutal at times.
We still sleep with Carrie and sex is out the window. Sometimes, though, there is nothing more reassuring that the warmth of someone who loves you for you. They don't care if you are fat, skinny, poor, rich, ugly or beautiful. All they care about is that you are *mommy* and that my dear is how I do it every single day.
hugs to you.
Christy S in TX
I have been reading for a couple of years now, but never posted. Your kids are beautiful and I really hope things start to get better for you real soon. You have alot of people that want to be there for you and really care I see. I hope you will lean on them. Take care of you - for your babies.
I have been reader for a long time but never before have posted, I'm a bit shy.
I am so, so sorry that things are so tough for you right now! You deserve a job you love, time for you, a loving marriage, sleep, and happy family time.
I have a 4.5 month old after 5 yrs of IF, 4 IVF's and so much money that we probably will not recover financially for 10+ years, have thought of selling our home. He is worth it but IF has left us with a heavy price tag, emotionally, financially, and physically, I took off only 7 weeks before going back to work part-time. My DH is also a spender and I am a lot more restrained with money. Lack of sleep is form of torture and that alone causes depression and generally makes you cuckoo.
What has helped us, has been to have the baby in his own crib and now in his own room, couples' counseling, reading And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman, doing a childcare swap with another couple once a month for a date, and spell each other on weekends so that we each get a bit of time for ourselves, and doing one nice thing for each other every day, could be a compliment, a foot rub, taking the baby so the other can do something etc. We had to start with the couples' counseling because we were so mad at each other, we just could not hear each other or see the good. It was really scary to me. I am a child of divorce and do NOT want that for my baby.
I hope so much that you will find what works for you.
The first two years of our first born felt like we "didn't have a marriage" either I admit. Once they're three or older, it gets easier on the marriage I think. Hang in there.
Kinneret - I do check in and want you to know that we may not be standing physically next to you but are with you in spirit. I hope that our positive thoughts and energy can replenish a bit of yours so you can keep moving forward. Your children are beautiful and clearly have their mommy in them as you share the stories of their growth. I wish I had magical answers but don't. I can simply share with you that you are not alone in your struggles. Tackle one thing at a time, small steps, combined, everything is too big to tackle. Hugs - CaseyNY
Happy Mother's Day, Kinneret!
Just checking in to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope things are getting better. For what it's worth, we're sexless over here too.
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