I got nothing but the blues

It's official. I'm grumpy.

I'm not sure why it is that I'm grumpy, but I am. I ate Quiznos (salad). I lost my ColdStone Creamery virginity. I even got the latest Janet Evanovich book (in paperback) on sale at the generic giant superstore (GGSS) nearby.

Of course, I did all that while chauffeuring Jr around to A) a doctor's appointment for his umpteenth sinus infection and B)apply for jobs because I'll be damned if he sits on his keister all summer long. While it wasn't exactly painful, it was not high on my list of "Fun things to do on my day off".

We came home and I went for a nap/read. I finished the book (I'm a speed reader, have been since I can remember) and couldn't sleep. Now John is home and I realized I forgot to defrost something for dinner. *sigh*. Oh, and I'm still pregnant. In fact, for the first time, a woman at the GGSS accosted me out of the blue and wanted to know all my pregnancy details. She then informed me she might be seeing me at the nearby hospital when I give birth, as she had just applied there. I wasn't reassured.

Nothing earthshattering, nothing outstanding. Just grumpy. I got nothing, I tell you.

To comfort you, here's a picture of the squash I picked from the wilderness that my garden has become. I told you, I got nothing.



Oh and here's a belly pic or two. Because like I said, I got nothing but a bad case of the grumpys.





And please don't tell me how enormous I look for 5.5 months.

Oh, and here's a poll too :)

Open letter to His Highness, the baby

OK, so it's like this.

I'm not feeling a lot of movement from His Highness. I realize that His time is precious, what with all that growing, developing and swimming around in utero, but is it THAT much to ask Him to pay some attention to His mother's needs, I ask you?

So, having googled "fetal movement, 22 weeks" and "auscultating fetal heart tones" (with an adult stethoscope... )till I'm blue in the face, as well as lying on my back and attempting to feel the baby's heartbeat, I decided drastic action was necessary.

I sacrificed heavily by eating 2 ice cream sandwiches for breakfast in an attempt to stimulate His Highness. Not much doing.

So, Your Highness, when you get off your keister and wake up, would you please kick your mother vigorously several times to insure that she doesn't have a panic attack very very soon?

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Your loving mother.

The good, the bad and the stupid. Now with TMI!

Sorry I've been MIA but I've been feeling kinda hibernatorial. Don't know why, it's just that post-20 week crunch - you know, when you realize all the cool ultrasounds and tests are done with and now ... wait for it ... you are/might actually (be) having a baby. And there's TONS of shit to get done. And no more cool ultrasounds. So I've taken care of stuff that has nothing to do with the baby. Baby? There's a baby coming? What? I can't hear you!!

Father's day was nice and low key. Jr is with the biobitch and she didn't even have him call to wish his dad a happy day. Is it a wonder I call her the biobitch? But John and I spent a nice quiet Sunday together and it's all good. He is the best thing in my life. Fact.

My garden is going absolutely wild. Tomatoes are growing. Carrots are flourishing. We've eaten lettuce and spring onions already. The cantaloupe and watermelon are trying to take over everything. Squashes are popping up. Yikes.

My belly has also popped up, seemingly overnight. I'm either 5+ months pregnant or I'm getting very fat. One of the girls at work said "wow, you're getting really big!". Of course, she weighs as much as one of my (formidable) thighs, so she has no perspective. Hmmph.

Neat pregnancy things I've noticed:
1)Colostrum - yeah, I think it's neat, I'm kooky that way.
2)Lots more "flutters" and whooshes in my stomach. I actually felt one with my hand on my belly the other day. Cool beans.
3)A sign in the local supermarket's parking lot for "expectant mothers". No, I didn't use it. I won't till I'm HUGE. Which won't be long, it seems. Yikes.
4)Not gaining much weight lately. Yes!!
5)Stressing about baby registry and nursery crap.

Not-so-neat pregnancy things I've noticed:
1)Pain in hips and knees (oh my hips!)and other miscellany as noted below(although pain and swelling have improved with braces (wrists) and compression stockings (ankles). Nothing helping the hips yet.
2)Assvice and horrifying labour stories from women I work with.
3)Missing my sister's 50th birthday because I was too nervous to drive ten hours to Canada. Doc didn't think it was a good idea either.
4)Inconsistent bowel habits and stress incontinence. Yeah. I warned you about the TMI.
5)Stressing about baby registry and nursery crap.

Oh and stupid things people have said to me. I'll pick the best one.

It seems that fertiles don't have the market cornered on stupid comments. There is a woman at work who is infertile - she is mid-forties now and it's my understanding she and her husband (they are now separated)tried for a long time but couldn't conceive. She was semi-sympathetic to the things we were going through but she also kept talking about God and how God would provide and I just needed to have faith.

{sidebar}Now ... my faith and however I feel about God are my business ... it's my opinion that God, if s/he/it exists, has better things to do than involve itself in each person's individual issues - IOW, my fertility has little to do with God. Or religion, for that matter. Yes, I had an abortion when I was younger. No, my later lack of fertility was not "divine punishment". That kind of thing. Anyway, I'm digressing. {end sidebar}

I tend to be very sensitive around this woman. She really is a lovely person and her fertility issues are obviously painful for her - I know enough not to salt the wound. I say little to her about my pregnancy, although my burgeoning stomach speaks for itself - and for the most part, she has been happy for me, despite some pointed comments here and there about how I shouldn't complain, etc etc.

So, the other day she calls me to count narcotics(yeah, we have to count them each shift, we can't just take em home, more's the pity). It's the end of the day and I'm knackered. I mean absolutely beat - a long day on my feet and I'm exhausted. I walk over to her quietly and reach for the control book and she says to me nicely "are you tired?" . And I say softly "yeah. Very.".

And she says: "Well, you should just be GLAD you're pregnant!!".

I was blown away. I hadn't said anything. I hadn't opened my mouth. SHE asked!!

So I turned to her and said as nicely as I could: "Listen, J. YOU asked. If you don't want to know and don't want to hear about it, DON'T ASK!!!" She had the good grace to mumble her acknowledgment.

*sigh*. Some days you just can't win.

Oh and please go visit Day and wish her the best. She just gave birth to their much awaited (and gorgeous)baby boy and is having some complications. I know she'd love to hear from you!

And here he is ...

I was sitting at the computer this morning and all of the sudden .. whoosh!! I felt something in my belly. As if someone was tapping on the inside.

All the other feelings I've had I've put down to gas or other abdominal problems but this was unmistakable. Either that was the baby or my gas problem is growing a mind of its own. It was an extraordinary feeling and once everything dawned on me, I started to cry. Of course.

I also had my Level II ultrasound today and I'm happy to report it was a nice experience ... the baby is measuring a bit ahead, heart, brain, kidneys, everything is perfect and measuring well. He is facing downwards and is a wiggly worm, it was hard for the tech to get all the pictures - but eventually she did. I was hoping she wouldn't, so I'd get to go back. Oh well! But I saw his beautiful face ...

So now, without further ado ... (please excuse the shitty quality of my digital camera)


My son

All in the family

My sister T and her husband adopted two beautiful children from the former Soviet Union. Their first, a girl, is turning 7 this month. Their second, a boy, is nearly 3. They are wonderful, bright and precocious children who light up any room they are in and my sister and her husband are wonderful parents.

They adopted after trying to conceive for several years. T met her future husband while in her late thirties - they started trying to get pregnant before the wedding (she was nearly 37 at the time). After not much luck, they went to an RE and started with IUI, then IVF. She had one miscarriage at 8 weeks and then not long after that, a molar pregnancy. Her HCG levels remained elevated for over a year, so no treatment ... they decided to adopt and got their daughter. They tried IVF one more time - with her at 40 years old - with no luck. At that point they gave up and adopted their second child. Those children are their delight and joy - and worth every moment of previous heartache, per my sister.

Last year when I was pregnant with the enlarged yolk sac, we went up to Canada for a family do. I broke the news of my pregnancy very gently to my sister T, who was delighted for us but who burst into tears. She told me that no matter what, she would never want to change the path her life has taken - her children are the light of her life and everything she always wanted. Infertility had led those children to her and she would never let go. But it was hard for her, despite everything. She was wonderful to me when I miscarried - compassionate and very there - she completely understood. She let me grieve and held me, even if it was over the phone.

This time ... I think it's harder for her still. We told the family at Passover and T came over and held me tight, with tears of joy streaming down her face. As she cried and held me close, I could feel the pain emanating from her, the dark tears that mixed in with the others.

The other day she called me to tell me how overjoyed she is for us - how hard she knows our road has been. She doesn't want me to protect her from my pregnancy, which I've definitely been doing. She wants to see pics of my belly "maybe not every week" she said to me but since my family is far away in Toronto ... it's the only chance they get to really share in this. It's difficult to explain how the conversation with her went, exactly ... and hard for me to know where her line in the sand is. For example, when I mentioned feeling the baby, she told me that was really hard for her to hear that - because it's something she'll always miss out on, she'll never experience. Completely understandable, you know? But it makes it hard to know what to tell her and what not ...

I still haven't sent her a "belly pic" although I have sent one to my other sister D (with whom I'm closer) and to my mom. Something in me is holding back - she doesn't want me to protect her but ... I can't help it. I know that she spoke to D and they are both planning on coming for the bris. She wants to send me a book on Hebrew baby names and baby stuff from her son, we spoke about that but nothing has arrived. It's like walking on eggshells. I just don't know how much to say.

One more thing to enjoy

1)Swollen ankles and feet.
2)Painful plantar fasciitis in both feet.
3)Swollen, numb and tingling hands.
4)Carpal tunnel in both hands.

and now ... adding your fave and mine to the list...

5) Melasma!!! Yes, that lovely "mask of pregnancy" has made its appearance. *sigh*.

Anything else? I will add begrudgingly that the compression stockings work well (other than causing extremely stinky feet) and the braces are finally allowing me a decent night's sleep.

On the good front, I *think* I've felt the baby. Something that felt like palpitations in my stomach and I think I finally know what they mean by "flutters". It hasn't happened frequently but it did happen once with my morning coffee so I figure the kid has wised up to caffeine. That's my boy.

My level II ultrasound is on Monday, but Beaver Girl's writeup about her less than lovely experience has left me a tad hesitant. I'm hoping it goes well - it's something I've been looking forward to on a positive note, rather than the "one more hurdle" perspective.

Breach of Warranty decided to tag me with a meme or two. While I'm lousy at this sort of thing, I decided for once to be a good sport. Just please don't send me chain emails telling me how much good luck I'll have if I only send it to ten more people, or how Bill Gates wants to send me $1000 bucks for using Win95. Or whatever. Yes, I'm grumpy ... whatever gave that away? You would be too if you had a teenager who kept sighing like Darth Vader (he sure doesn't like being called that... teehee!!) Ok, here goes ...

TAG ONE:
Finish the four bookish statements and pass it on.

1) Total number of books owned - Wow. Loads. I've had to leave books behind over the years and that broke my heart. I have no idea how many I own now. Not enough.
2) Last book I bought (2)- ermmm Baby Bargains. And I bought a whole bunch of baby books at a garage sale recently ... so ...Goodnight Moon? Also, "I, Claudius" and some stuff by Gabriel Garcia Marquez that I haven't had a chance to look at yet.
3) Last book I read (2) - ermmm ... Baby Bargains. And Kushiel's Dart.
4) 5 books that mean a lot to me - Only 5?? This is hard. Brideshead Revisited. Maus I & II. Like Water for Chocolate. The Prophet. One Hundred Years of Solitude.


Pick five of the lives below and write about them. Then add one of your own and pass it on. - OK - me breaking in here to say that I'm changing the language from "if I could be" to ... "if I was" because I could be anything if I really wanted to be. Well, except for a mathematician. Yeah, and a host of other things but we're not going to bring that up, are we? And yes, this is going to be cheesy, I just know it. You're forewarned.

IF I WERE A (better)MUSICIAN: I'd make music that mattered. Not that just sounded good in the moment, or that was marketable. But music that people could really dig into and understand. And if I was a singer with a phenomenal voice, I'd DO something with it, not squander it on singing crap.

IF I WERE A POLITICIAN: I'd help create a national healthcare system for all. I'd help create a country where profit and lucre were not the most important things but rather an emphasis on society, science and humanity. In other words, I'd try and one-up Canada.

IF I WERE A SCIENTIST: I'd work to create a cure for cancer, infertility and auto-immune diseases with a particular emphasis on helping kids(who should never have to suffer).

IF I WERE A LIBRARIAN: I'd spend most of the day hiding in the stacks, reading. And when I absolutely had to come out, I'd try and share my joy and love of reading with kids who just don't get it ... yet.


IF I WERE A GARDENER: what do you MEAN, if I "were"?? I AM a gardener, damnit!! Haven't you seen the pics? I'll have you know that at last count there were 5 tomatoes coming up!! FIVE!! Hmmph. I won't even mention the peppers and carrots.

The rest of the list for those who accept this mission is: SCIENTIST, FARMER, MUSICIAN, DOCTOR, PAINTER, GARDENER, MISSIONARY, CHEF, ARCHAEOLOGIST, ARCHITECT, LINGUIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, LIBRARIAN, ATHLETE, LAWYER, INNKEEPER, PROFESSOR, WRITER, LLAMA-RIDER, BONNIE PIRATE, SERVICE MEMBER, BUSINESS OWNER, ACTOR, AGENT, VIDEO GAME DESIGNER, PHOTOGRAPHER, CIRCUS PERFORMER, SPY, FASHION DESIGNER, HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT AGAIN, MODEL, POLITICIAN, SERIAL KILLER, HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR, MOVIE PRODUCER OR ACUPUNCTURIST.
I'm adding "ASTRONAUT".

Tag, you're it.

The ongoing saga of swelling

The weekend came and went and with it my sanity ... you see, every year John and I go to the NASCAR race in Dover DE. This year was no exception - we discussed it beforehand and I figured I wouldn't be going next year ... and probably not the year after that ... or after that. Etc. I enjoy the race a lot and didn't want to miss out on it and on being with our friends. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking.

Actually, it's pretty much of a guy's day out - I'm the only woman in the group of five but we chill well together. It helped that my very first time, my Canadian self looked aghast at the amount of Confederate flags flying and asked innocently "Is that legal??". The guys remind me of this frequently and usually after their 5th or 6th beer.

Anyway, John and I decided as long as I stayed off my feet as much as possible, it would probably be ok. What we didn't realize - because we're not clairvoyant and the Weather Channel is screwed - is that it was going to be 90+ degrees out there. Factor in the bleachers, the 28th row in the middle section, no shade and a humidity level that had been steadily rising and I found myself in the "yowza, this is not fun" factor. Fortunately we were near an exit that led to a walkway and I could sit there and chill. Literally.

I am obviously pregnant, I guess. I got many pitying looks as I gasped my way up the never-ending stairs, holding my belly. Yes, I held my belly but I didn't rub it. I swear. A couple of EMS people looked at me sternly as I made my way past them, daring me to use their services. I decided that Dover DE was probably not a good place to be in the L&D ward so I drank water like it was going out of style. Of course, that meant going to the bathroom ... some 150 steps below. And then coming back up. And again. Oy.

At yet another bathroom break, John decided to come with me and we headed downstairs. I didn't want to subject the baby and my very white skin to the 400 laps of sunshine and decibels, so John and I headed to the midway to check out merchandise. We ended up standing in the lemonade line for 30 minutes, I kid you not, and although the lemonade was FOUR DOLLARS!!!!!! it was damned good. Did I mention that the lemonade was FOUR DOLLARS????? Jesus H Murphy.

I kept close tabs on intake/output and was glad to see my urine remained pale. Yes, I'm such a nurse, what can I say? But it was the only way to measure possible dehydration. Unfortunately by the end of the day, the oppressive heat had caused my ankles to swell tremendously. It wasn't helped much by working on my feet the next day, and between that and the awful pain in my feet and hands, I called my OB late yesterday afternoon and they decided they wanted to see me the next day.

I saw him today - one I hadn't seen before. I'll call him Dr Young because he looked only slightly older than Doogie Houser but he was good and had a nice bedside manner. My pressure is good, no proteinuria, no glucosuria. As for the hands - he tapped my wrist and I nearly went through the roof. Definite carpal tunnel on the right, well on its way on the left. Splints recommended and monitoring via my family doc - which I don't really have. Oops.
As for the ankles and feet - compression stockings and elevate when possible. Keep up the fluid intake. He said resignedly "I doubt you'll see it getting much better over the next few months. As for the carpal tunnel, they don't like operating on pregnant women, but let's see what happens". Maybe I should call him Dr Positive. After all, he didn't even mention my weight gain...

Off I went to the W-mart where I picked up some compression stockings and a couple of wrist splints - far cheaper than CVS. I called John and told him and he, nice man that he is, expressed deep concern while snorting with laughter at the thought of me wearing "old lady stockings". Uh-huh. We'll see who'll be laughing later tonight.

As a side note, I will mention I have now winnowed out some of the watermelons (*SOB*)and lettuce and all the tomatoes are caged. I also put up some form of cage/trellis between the squash/cucs and the rest of the garden. Hopefully that will work and prevent them from taking over. Did I mention that the lemonade at the race was FOUR DOLLARS?????

Oh ... and I heard my son's (!!) heartbeat today. I've been worried because I haven't felt anything recognizable as "movement" and I am 19+ weeks. *whew*. I was having DBTs. I wonder if they ever go away completely.


DBTs- also known as "Dead Baby Thoughts" in the infertile blogosphere.

Maybe someday soon

I went out after work to get a body pillow - I'm hardly sleeping these days because 1) I can't breathe 2) I'm fat and 3)my carpal tunnel (in both hands) is killing me. Not to mention the hip pain.

One of the huge bath stores had a body pillow and with their 20% off coupon, I was happy at my purchase. I decided to stop at Targez to check out their selection of wrist braces as the CVS wanted 25.99 ... for ONE. They were all out.

Some voice of Satan coerced me into going to the baby and infant area ... the Classic Pooh aisle. I looked. I choked back tears. I checked out some playpens or whatever they're called now. I wandered back down the aisle and there was a beautiful little Pooh music pull thingie with Pooh sitting inside a baby blue soft jar labeled "hunny".

I sat in the car crying, listening to the soft music play. It's been so long in coming, we've gone through so much. I never ever thought we would get this far. I can't wait to play this for you, my sweet baby boy, as I rock you to sleep.

Another stressor gone and more garden p0rn

My court case has finally gone a step further and it's a good one. You see, about 3 years ago I was in a car accident. I was sitting in my car at a red light, minding my own business when someone hit the car behind me who then whacked me. They didn't even hit me that hard but it was enough to screw up my neck and back.
I was coming back from a company picnic for the Big Hospital at the time - I was actually showing one of the other nurses the way out of B-more to route 95.

The next day I could barely move. I called my doc and got seen immediately, xrays, the whole shmear - and started physiotherapy, which lasted 2-3 months. I stopped because I was feeling better. A couple of weeks later, I woke up and couldn't move again. When I tried to resume seeing the physiotherapist, I was told I had used up my PIP - which basically means any monies for my care that would be directed my way via the insurance company. I was outraged. After all, I was truly the innocent party here. So I called a lawyer.

The damage to my car had been minimal which made some lawyers balk at taking my case but one did - and he tied it into the company picnic and claimed it against Worker's Comp - and we won. I got my lost wages (a couple of days worth) and my medical bills covered. Today we went to court to establish "permanency" or basically see what degree of disability I'll be carrying around for life. Charming, huh?

Our doctor had said 20% disability upon examining me. Their doctor had said 0%. Just as I was about to go testify, the Big Hospital's lawyer came up and offered us 10% disability. We took it. It saved me from testifying (which I was prepared to do, I did well last time and other than nerves, felt comfortable) which is better for when my lawyer goes after the third party, ie, the one that started it all.

He needs to get paid, after all.

I agreed to the 10% because this was never about me getting money. All I really wanted was treatment and to have my expenses for treatment covered. But the stupid way the system works here made it necessary to involve lawyers and increase the costs for everyone.

Now it looks like everyone is going to get money except for me, likely. I may get a couple of grand from Worker's Comp, which is fine and would come in extremely handy and I am extremely grateful. But the money we win from insurance - I'll probably never see much of that. It'll mostly go to lawyers.

Anyway, I came back from court quite tired. The exterminators are here ... AGAIN ... because of damned carpenter ants. Only this time they found termites, too. *sigh*. Lovely. It's in a very limited area, but still.

I lay down for a nap ... I was just drifting off ...the buzzsaw started from across the street where they're putting up siding. I toss. I turn. It stops. I start to fall asleep. The phone rings. I try to ignore it. Start to drift off again. The saw starts. I groan and try to ignore the numbness in my hands and lie on my left like a good girl. The saw stops. I start to fall asleep. The phone rings... and here I am. Tired. Since I've been up, neither has the phone rang nor has the saw started up again...but I know if I even try and close my eyes ... so here I am.

Oh ... and I saw my first tomato!! I am so excited. Yeah, I'm strange that way. And guess what - just now as I went to take pictures of said tomato for you, my readers ... I saw another one! Now you shall be bombarded with garden pics. Because I just realized that in an 8x11 space I have the following: 17(!!) tomato plants, 3 cucs, 3 squash, a bunch of watermelon (which I will thin directly) 4 onion plants, numerous carrots and a bunch of lettuce. Did I mention the eggplant?

Oops. Someone was a tad over-reaching.




The wilderness that is my garden. I am very afraid.




First tomato. I am so proud!




Second tomato! I think it has tomato envy - look, it's hiding.
Middle children can be like that.


carrots and an onion, 2 bits.

Far too many carrots. Notice them cavorting with an escaped onion. The hussies.


Watermelons...

I have barely enough room there for ONE watermelon plant. But thinning them is killing me. I heart watermelon. *sigh*.


squash and cucs.

They are taking over in an insidious kind of way. I have to trellis them. Or something.


Peppers!

What more need be said?


lettuce

Far too many in too small a space. Ack.


onions

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with them or when they're ready other than "when the green shoots are droopy". No clue.


An extremely cute man

Note the very cute tuchas. Yum.

The results are in!

I thought I had it all under control. I hadn't panicked, hadn't gotten stressed. I called last Friday for results but was told it was too soon. I hardly thought about it over the long weekend. I promised myself I wouldn't call Tuesday either, because of said long weekend.

But I haven't been sleeping well. The numbness and tingling in my hands wakes me at night, I toss and turn and can't get comfortable. Thoughts have been racing through my mind - about everything and anything but not the amnio. Nosireebob, anything but. It's only been 10 days, after all.

Today I awoke grumpy. The sleeplessness has really been getting to me and I don't handle sleep deprivation well (yeah yeah, I know I have lots to look forward to). To top it off, the coffee maker was misbehaving and Jr was in one of his loveliest sullen moods - I guess 25 minute showers are a hardship. Anyway, I got to work only to find that my manager had given me the heaviest case load of anyone. By far. Yeah, always a nice thing to do to the pregnant girl with the swollen ankles. I said nothing. It's really just not worth it. Not yet, anyway. I'm honestly not asking for special treatment - just consideration.

I busied myself with work. At lunch time, I went searching for the phone number and finally called around 2. I left a message on the genetic counselor's voice mail. Around 4, I called again. Left a message with the secretary. By 4:30 I gave up and figured ... ah, not today. Guess the results weren't in yet.

At 4:45 the office phone rang. My heart stopped as I was called to the phone. It was the counselor. Without hesitation she told me "Your results are fine. All the chromosomes are normal, everything is normal. Your spina bifida test was also well within normal range." I started to cry, scaring the other nurses who knew pretty much what this must be about ... eventually managed to give them the thumbs up that all was well. I don't remember much else the GC said, but she reassured me that the baby is indeed a boy. I felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

A boy. A healthy, normal, sweet baby boy. I called John and told him through my tears ... our wonderful, healthy son.

I can finally relax a bit and enjoy this ... finally. I can plan ... finally. I can truly dream now ... because this dream may be coming true after all.